30 Days Of Gratitude Day 4

I am grateful for my 5 month old grandson, Joseph.  I never understood how it felt to have a grand child; though many have tried to tell me over the years.  I never got it and understand now why I didn't because it defies explanation.  I can't say I love him more than own children but it's a different kind of love.  Almost like the love I have for my children exploded and became this little person. Agghh!  There I go trying to explain it!
I am grateful for him though; for every aching muscle and bone from watching him 2 1/2 days a week.  Im grateful for every smile, for every laugh, for every scream and every tear.  I am grateful for every mile I have walked with him screaming in my ear and every head butt and pinch and every hair he's pulled out of my head.
I am so blessed to have been able to move close enough to spend so much time with him and treasure every moment.
Thank you God for my dear sweet grandson and for letting me live close to him.

30 Days Of Gratitude Day 3

I am thankful for my son in law.  4 years ago I would not have said the same. My daughter was married to an awful person ,
Now she is married to someone who loves her and loves God. I could go on and on about how I know he loves her but that is not my place.  I have made the mistake of sharing too much of her personal life in the past.  I am just so happy they found one another and am proud to have him in the family. Thank you God for a wonderful son in law who loves You and loves my daugher.

30 Days Of Gratitude Day Two

I am thankful for my daughter.  She was my surprise who tested the limits of my sanity and patience for the first 4 years of her life.  She started doing everything early and once she started talking at 4 months she never stopped.  I was not in a frame of mind to appreciate her and she had a rough go of things having a brother with Severe Emotional Disturbance.  But she has become a treasure without price. She is scary smart, loyal, dedicated and the most loving person I have ever known.  She loves God with her whole heart and loves her family the same way.  She has done more for me and her brother than I could ever numerate.  Those 4 years of challenges with her were well worth the price of what she has become. Thank you God for my intelligent, beautiful and loving daughter.

30 Days Of Gratiftude

Sigh; I am already behind.  I will do three days today and hopefully get the rest of the month done on time.

Day One
I am thankful for my son.  He will be 33 this month and we've had a rocky road.  I've had a lot of people ask me over the years if I ever wished he had been "normal".  The answer has always been; and always will be, no. I have seen a lot of "normal"boys and this is what I saw.  They wore their pants out before they outgrew them, they got extremely dirty all the time.  They climbed trees and got on top of buildings and threw rocks and more.  My son never wore out anything but shoes and that wasn't until he was in his teens.   They shunned hugs from their moms and dads. My son never got dirty; or scared me with death defying defeats of gravity. My son loved giving hugs and never shied from telling me he loves me.  Thank you God; for my son.  We have our squabbles and strains but I wouldn't trade him for 10 "normal" boys.

Can't Make Tracks

I want to run run run away with just the clothes on my back; I want to walk walk walk away and never look back, but I can't make tracks.
I want to scream scream scream that I'm not an idiot; but you won't hear me anyway because you only hear me talk.
If I had a wheelchair I would roll roll roll away; roll into the ocean and at the bottom stay; but I don't have a wheelchair and I can't make tracks.
I want to stand stand stand and do what I need to do but I can't stand and I can't make tracks.
I want to cry cry cry that you don't understand but you just call me crazy so I cry into my pillow once again.
I want to run, I want to walk, I want to stand, I want to cry cry cry but no one understands. My body turned against me and my mind has seen too much. I can only write, and pray and hope that one day I can run run run and make track after track after track.

New Year New Challenges And Blessings

Wow; what a long time it's been since I posted.  I have no new excuses.

I do; however, have wonderful news.  I am about to be a grandma for the first time!  My sweet daughter and her new and much improved husband are having a little boy in May.  His name will be Joseph  I really should have written about this much sooner.  Lack of enthusiasm has no bearing on not writing about it though.  I am beyond thrilled.

In light of the impending birth of said grandson I decided to leave my hometown of the last 18 1/2 years and move to where my daughter and son in law live.  I uprooted myself and my son and with  my daughter's help ( a lot of help) we packed up and moved. We are currently staying with my daughter and son in law and looking for a place to rent.  Adding two people, two dogs and a cat to a two bedroom condo is interesting to say the least.  I am overwhelmed at the generosity and kindness of my daughter and son in law.  

Thanks kids!  I love you.   

Where I'm At

The pain is always there lurking; it's fury quieted by the pills, so many pills that you begins to trust. You think that with the shots and nerve burns and medicine; that you may be able to push through and endure.
Then one day you sit down on a yard sale chair (left out too many seasons in the weather; you think too late) and crrrrraaaackkk and as it shatters so does all the faith you have held on to over the last 2+ years. You hit the concrete amongst pieces of the chair and the crescendo of pain sends you sprawling down the slippery slope to the dreaded Pit. The place where sleep is a precious diamond illusive and coveted. A place where showers area Mt. Everest that you are unequipped to climb You slide down to the edge of this Pit so dreaded, so dark and so horribly familiar and comfortable. The Pit pulses in anticipation at your decent. The stench is nauseating yet intoxicating too; and you are once again faced with the decision; do you keep sliding and welcome the darkness? Or do you begin the painstaking work to build your faith once again and let the Light shine once again?
Maybe tomorrow...