Can't Make Tracks

I want to run run run away with just the clothes on my back; I want to walk walk walk away and never look back, but I can't make tracks.
I want to scream scream scream that I'm not an idiot; but you won't hear me anyway because you only hear me talk.
If I had a wheelchair I would roll roll roll away; roll into the ocean and at the bottom stay; but I don't have a wheelchair and I can't make tracks.
I want to stand stand stand and do what I need to do but I can't stand and I can't make tracks.
I want to cry cry cry that you don't understand but you just call me crazy so I cry into my pillow once again.
I want to run, I want to walk, I want to stand, I want to cry cry cry but no one understands. My body turned against me and my mind has seen too much. I can only write, and pray and hope that one day I can run run run and make track after track after track.

And Forever You Shall Be Known As

I went to a doctor recently to have a plantar wart removed. This was not my first one; though the last one was over 10 years ago. The same doctor saw me today but not in his office because his office doesn't lower itself to take my "insurance". I digress; the doctor came in and since I hadn't seen him for years and had not record at this facility; he asked me if I have any health problems. I said yes and sighed heavily which prompted him to look at the information sent over by my doctor. Now I don't like to dwell on all my health issues but in order to make my point I must list them. I have osteoarthritis in both knees as well as my toes and ankles, spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia syndrome, major depression, COPD, sleep apnea, and diabetes. I also have an over active bladder and a history of ulcers. The doctor looks at the information my family doctor sent over and looked up and said " so mainly diabetes?" Yes I have been diagnosed as a diabetic. Do you know why I am? I am diagnosed as diabetic because one time; yes one time, my A1C was a whopping 6.3! I take no medication for it and subsequent tests have come in the 5 range. But because my AIC was over 6 one time I will forever be labeled diabetic. Now, you may wonder why this bothers me so much. It bothers me for the same reason I hated to list my depression medicine on my paperwork when seeing a new doctor before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Doctors looked at my weight, and the medication was on for depression and assumed my pain was a result of my depression. I abhor assumptions! I want a doctor to look beyond the surface and deal with my body as a whole; is that too much to ask? Just sayin' ya know? Grace and peace CAC

Public Mourns The Death Of Robin Williams

I am and many more are shocked to find out that Robin Williams; America's beloved actor and funny man; has apparently committed suicide. I am not a celebrity watcher, I feel that just because someone is famous doesn't give me the right to know every detail of his or her life. Therefore I had no idea Mr. Williams was suffering from depression. I also did not know that he had recently relapsed into drug use. I did know from hearing others talk that he had battled drug addiction. I do know that often the drug addiction and depression go hand in hand. His family is asking privacy at his horrific juncture in their lives, and I do hope they are allowed this humble and reasonable request. I know first hand what losing someone to suicide is like and I know how every one thinking they know details just makes it harder. My goal in writing about this is for one purpose and one purpose only; to shine a light on the need for education, treatment and de-stigmatization regarding depression. The time has come dear public, to shed the blinders we have on that mental illness is rare and won't touch our lives. We need to get serious about getting the word out that being mentally ill makes one week or odd. We need to get it our of our heads that depression is a sometimes feeling that goes away after a while. Though many people may only have one or a few problems with clinical depression there are also a lot of people for whom depression never really goes away. There are of course many posts on Facebook about Mr. Williams death and one just really got to me. A well meaning person said

Depression IS treatable. Medicine, counseling and faith can change things

. There is nothing inherently wrong with this but it just seems trite to me. Really, do you think Mr. Williams didn't seek help? Do you think his loving family didn't make every effort to make sure he went to counseling and doctors? Depression is so much more complicated than this quote indicates that it is. I watched for the third or fourth time a few days ago and movie called Ordinary People . The movie is a portrait of a family who are grieving the loss of the eldest of two sons in a boating accident. The portrait picks up at what appears to be a few months after the younger son has attempted suicide by slitting his wrists. If you have never seen this movie I highly recommend that you find it and watch it Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland are the parents and deliver a stellar performance along with Timothy Hutton playing the part of the younger son, Conrad. At one point in the movie a girl asks Conrad why he did it and he says;

It's like falling into a hole; a hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger. And you can't get out and all of the sudden it's inside you; you're the hole and your trapped and it's all over.

This is one the most accurate descriptions I have ever heard of what it feels like to be suicidal. My thoughts and prayers are with Mr. Williams family. The coming days, weeks and months will bring much pain. There will abundant sorrow, there will be guilt and there will be anger. I pray that somehow in the midst of all of these, the message of hope in Christ will get through and bring them comfort and peace. If you know someone who battles depression; don't tell them to suck it up. Don't tell them to pray and all will be well. Tell them to get help and be there for them, to listen and tell them the truth. Stay up all night with them if need be, stay up 2 nights in a row if need be. If you don't feel up to doing this or to help you out use this information and lift them to the Throne of Grace and pray to Almighty God that they will get help and choose life. Grace and peace CAC

Ten Days of Gratitude Day 8

Today I am grateful for my son, Jonathan. Born 29 years ago today, he is my only son and greatest challenge in life. It started in the womb; he was Franks Breach

and had to born Cesarean section. He was also a dry birth and had an infection when he was born requiring him to remain in the hospital for a week after I was dismissed. Since I wanted to nurse him, I had to go the hospital every few hours to feed him and deliver expressed milk to get him through the night. He was a wonderful baby though. He never cried without obvious reason such as being hungry or needing a diaper change. He really didn't even have a lot of problems with teething. He was easily entertained and didn't require constant attention. I thought all this was normal. When his sister came along I saw that they were very different, but thought it was the average sibling differences and sex differences. We were fairly socially isolated so I had little to compare to. It wasn't until he started school that it became obvious that he was more different than we had realized. Before he was out of Kindergarten he had been tested by a team of experts that concluded that he was psychotic. He was diagnosed with psychotic disorder not otherwise specified because he didn't fit into any one disorder, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism et al. He has elements of all of these disorders though. This diagnosis was, of course, quite a blow and it took a lot of therapy for me to learn that it was not my fault and how to parent a special needs child. I failed miserably in so many ways but God is gracious and Jonathan seems to not hold it against me. He left home to live on his own and managed alright with a lot of help from me and his sister but we are living together again renting my daughter's house from her since she moved away to get married. Living with him as a adult is much different and I am challenged every day by our failure to communicate. We both has mental issues, that affect our ability to communicate our attempts are often like ships passing in the night. My son is one of the few people I have ever known that has no malice in him at all. He is genuine and honest; he does not lie. This can be interesting at times, since most people live their lives with lie as a necessity. One should not ask Jonathan a question if they don't want an honest answer. That said, I can't imagine my life without my son and when I see how most young men are I feel blessed beyond measure that my son is who and how he is. Happy Birthday Son I love you.

Me And My Shadow....

This is a portrait taken by a local studio during the Christmas season as a kind of "give back to the community " program. It is me and my son, Jonathan. We also got individual ones; though I have no idea what to do with them. I don't know why anyone I know would want a picture of me, except my daughter and maybe my mom; and my son doesn't have any friends. I went to get the portraits done because of a lost dream of a family portrait I wanted done ever since the kids were in high school. So now I have these pictures and I had this idea for a post to use with this one. You see,J is my son and I love him dearly; he is one of the greatest blessing in my life; but he is also one of my greatest challenges . He has P.D.N.O.S. (Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) find out more here if you care to. He was diagnosed when he was about 6 years old. Of course you ought to know I am mentally ill myself. Turns out the communication problems he has due his mental illness, and the communication problems I have due to my mental illness have us at odds a good part of the time.
I digress; what prompted this blog post was scanning the pictures and remembering that my daughter left a comment that demanded pictures soon after I told her I had some done. This in turn inspired the title because the main thing that makes my son such a challenge to me but also such a blessing is that he has an unusually strong attachment to me. I could go on and on about that but for his sake I won't. Suffice it to say, thus the title of this post.
I love you, son; please don't ever doubt that.

Where Oh Where Has She Gone?

Yes I am still alive; though little has change since my last post. I am overall less discouraged than when last I wrote though. Physically I am still battling lung issues, and the Fibromyalgia is not under control (because a body needs oxygen) and my back and neck are giving me fits. Add Osteoarthritis to the mix and you have no fun for sure. My weight continues to rise as I have no energy to cook or exercise. Round and round we go :<.
I went to a training seminar with Stuart Scott on Biblical Counseling (see ) at the behest of my pastor and learned a lot about myself. I also learned why secular counseling has left me wanting so. What a Christian needs is discipleship counseling. I am excited about where this training will take me and our small group in the future.
I am though still struggling with depression, especially this last week since my MD changed my medicine. I am hoping the withdrawal symptoms will end in the next day or two and that my emotions will level out some.
More later.

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.