Ten Days of Gratitude Day 8

Today I am grateful for my son, Jonathan. Born 29 years ago today, he is my only son and greatest challenge in life. It started in the womb; he was Franks Breach

and had to born Cesarean section. He was also a dry birth and had an infection when he was born requiring him to remain in the hospital for a week after I was dismissed. Since I wanted to nurse him, I had to go the hospital every few hours to feed him and deliver expressed milk to get him through the night. He was a wonderful baby though. He never cried without obvious reason such as being hungry or needing a diaper change. He really didn't even have a lot of problems with teething. He was easily entertained and didn't require constant attention. I thought all this was normal. When his sister came along I saw that they were very different, but thought it was the average sibling differences and sex differences. We were fairly socially isolated so I had little to compare to. It wasn't until he started school that it became obvious that he was more different than we had realized. Before he was out of Kindergarten he had been tested by a team of experts that concluded that he was psychotic. He was diagnosed with psychotic disorder not otherwise specified because he didn't fit into any one disorder, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism et al. He has elements of all of these disorders though. This diagnosis was, of course, quite a blow and it took a lot of therapy for me to learn that it was not my fault and how to parent a special needs child. I failed miserably in so many ways but God is gracious and Jonathan seems to not hold it against me. He left home to live on his own and managed alright with a lot of help from me and his sister but we are living together again renting my daughter's house from her since she moved away to get married. Living with him as a adult is much different and I am challenged every day by our failure to communicate. We both has mental issues, that affect our ability to communicate our attempts are often like ships passing in the night. My son is one of the few people I have ever known that has no malice in him at all. He is genuine and honest; he does not lie. This can be interesting at times, since most people live their lives with lie as a necessity. One should not ask Jonathan a question if they don't want an honest answer. That said, I can't imagine my life without my son and when I see how most young men are I feel blessed beyond measure that my son is who and how he is. Happy Birthday Son I love you.

Happy Birthday To Me (yes I am still alive)

It actually was for once a very happy birthday. For the first time since I don't know when I didn't have a total meltdown about my birthday. At a time in my life when I feel like I am a total waste of space, I had the best birthday I can remember. The only thing that could have been better would have been to get a in person hug from my Sweetpea. But she did call and she and her brother went together on a present and got me season three of Frasier one of my favorite TV shows.
I am sorry for the absence. I have been very sick and coming back from it has been hard. I wound up in the hospital with pneumonia the week before Memorial Day and was in there a week. I still had very involved pneumonia when they released me and still have inflammation in my lungs now. Plus I developed a serious infection in my stomach called C- Dif caused by the large doses of strong antibiotics I was on for the pneumonia. As if I weren't weak enough from the pneumonia, I had diarrhea for almost a month!
I am still quite weak, so I am not getting anything done and it becomes a viscous cycle that easily leads to inertia if one is not careful and I really have not been careful. So pray for me; I have so much to tell but not the energy to put words to page.

26 Years Ago

I was in the hospital resting up from labor and surgery that brought forth my first born, my son. I can't believe it was that long ago. So much has happened over the years, and here we are come full circle to living together once again; and once again I am failing him.
Happy Birthday, son. I hope I can learn to show you love over this next year better than I have thus far.

A Perfect Mess Blog Tour

God reminded me that I had A Perfect Mess by Lisa Harper right when I needed it. I was getting ready to read another book I am going to review when I looked at the date and realized there should be one before it. What it book it was! Once again God's timing is awesome and this book was just what I needed right now. .
A Perfect Mess's subtitle is Why You Don't Have to Worry About Being Good Enough for God and this is a big issue for me that I is always highlighted by my birthday. Many tears of gratitude grace the pages of my copy of this small yet powerful book.
Breaking down some of the chapter titles will give you a pretty good picture of the subject matter. Chapter One Walk This Way What Psalm I reveals about avoiding potholes in the path of life Chapter Two Leaping over Legalism What Psalm 62 says about wriggling out of the trap of wrong expectations Chapter Three Tumbling Toward Approval How Psalm 139 describes the way God sees the beauty behind our blemishes Chapter Four This Love Story Means Having To Say "I'm Sorry" What Psalm 51 reveals about deep cleaning our dirty cleaning our dirty hearts and much more, there are 12 chapters in all.
What I like most about this book was though the author has sense of humor and encourages us to look at things from a lighter side of things, she doesn't make light of God's Word. I love a book that has me getting my Bible along with it like this one does too. If you struggle at all with what you should be doing or know someone who is, this book needs to be on your list of must haves.
This is the summary the publisher sent:
Caught up in the self-imposed pressure to do and be all the things they think a Christian woman ought to do and be, countless women are working desperately to convince everyone, including God, that they have it all together. Few have any idea that the Creator of the universe looks at them with delight even when they yell at the dog, drive a minivan littered with French fries, or think bad words about that rude clerk at the store.
A Perfect Mess offers hope to every woman who yearns for a vibrant relationship with God but worries she isn’t good enough or doesn’t do enough to merit His affection. With characteristic authenticity, speaker and author Lisa Harper shares poignant stories from her own imperfect life to showcase the real-life relevancy of the Bible in the lives of modern women.
As she guides readers on a story-driven journey through selected Psalms, they will be inspired to experience for themselves how God’s incomparable love transforms the messiness of life into a gorgeous work of grace.
You can win a copy by commenting on this post or you can purchase one here here
Lisa Harper is a master storyteller whose lively approach connects the dots between the Bible era and modern life. She is a sought-after Bible teacher and speaker whose upcoming appearances include the national Women of Faith Conferences. A veteran of numerous radio and television programs and the author of several books, she also is a regular columnist for Today’s Christian Woman magazine. Lisa recently completed a master’s of theological studies from Covenant Theological Seminary. She makes her home outside Nashville.

It's My Birthday & I'll Cry If I Want To

I hate my birthday. I usually really do wish I were never born, and hate that on my birthday people actually want to celebrate my birth.
Ya I know it's not a good Christian attitude, but it is how I feel. Most days I can ignore how I feel about myself but this day smacks me right in the face with it.
Now I fear I sound ungrateful for all the well wishes and gifts, and that makes me feel even worse. I'm sorry. I do appreciate everything. I am just glad this day is almost over!

Time Marches On

My baby turns 24 today! I can't believe it! Where has the time gone? Wasn't it just a only 5 or 6 years ago that I held her in my arms in the hospital and gazed into her bright blue eyes filled with knowing? Just a few years ago that she was getting into the pantry and taking cocoa mix and cereal and dumping them in her brother's closet? Surely it has not been over 20 years since I was thinking one of us would not survive another year of this!
Had I known this day would come this fast, would I have treasured those days of testing her limits and pushing the line? How many times would I have said I love you instead of NO or DON'T? How many times would I have just let the housework go and instead sit and hold her in my arms, smelling the sweetness of her baby skin and feeling her heart beat next to mine?
Those of you who have small children, I implore you, treasure each moment, let them make messes, snuggle all you can, because you will turn around one day and see them graduating high school, blink and they have graduated college or moved across the country for a great career opportunity. Close your eyes and the phone will wake you to hear I'm getting married. Hold on to them, for tomorrow, they will insist you let them go.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETPEA;
I am so very humbled to have been given the privilege of being your mother and proud to call you my roommate and friend. I pray you will be as blessed as you have blessed me; for I could not wish you anything greater than this. I love you.