Here's To You Lonely Blog Follower

I gather from an email that was sent to me with writing suggestions that someone misses my writing. I do apologize for the lengthy absence. I really am having trouble with the whole motivation to write thing. It seems often the motivation strikes and the computer is not available and then it's gone. Yes, it is a flimsy excuse since all I need do is ask to use the computer but oh well: there it is.

Big sigh and onward.

I have a lot on my mind lately regarding my father.
In order to understand how all of this transpired one must first somewhat understand the dynamic of my family. My father is married to a woman who is only about 5 years older than me; wife number 4. She has done some things that, well just say if I were Santa Claus she would be on the naughty list for life. My brothers and I do not have a working relationship for some bad things in my past. I don't want to go into detail just trust me when I say it is not petty. Okay, so here we go. I found out by reading a comment one of my brothers had posted on Facebook that some thing was wrong with my dad. I called to find out that he had been taken to a hospital ER due to having passed out. When I called his wife didn't say much just what that he had passed out on the kitchen floor. She then handed the phone to my dad and he said a doctor had not been in to see him yet. I thought I would get a call back when information was available. I was wrong. I did not hear back and when I called back I was told he has a blockage in his neck. I was not told how much of a blockage is was but told that he would have surgery the following day which was a Sunday. I got home from church and checked my phone; no one had called. I thought maybe they got a late start on the surgery so I waited a few more hours. No one called so I called again only to find out the surgery had been postponed. On Monday the same brother posted on Facebook that he was wanting prayer for my dad adding that he had 90% blockage in his neck. The routine was the same Monday; no one called me. I called and talked to my dad again and he told me the blockage had been removed and he was waiting to find out when he could go home. (My dad hates hospitals more than most people) Something about the way he was talking made me realize he wasn't really clear on what was done to him so I called the nurses station and asked for information. I was told he had had a heart capacity test and no stent was put in or anything done with his neck. By then I was ready to scream and throw things in frustration! Here I am stuck hundreds of miles away with no one to get any real information from!

I continued to call every day, sometimes twice a day to try to find out what was going on. He continued to believe that he would be released any time. When I called Tuesday he said the doctor had not come back in to see him at all on Monday and he was fed up and wanted to go home and have his church pray for him. Sure enough, when I called back later that day he was home.

God has been dealing with me about trusting Him and I have to say this one has been a whopper of a trial in that regard. I know God can heal my dad miraculously and completely without the help of modern medicine. But I also know all wisdom comes from him and doctors are gifted by Him. Yet I can't make my dad choose to let doctors do what they want to do and I can't intervene. Okay God, here I am trusting You that You have all this in Your Mighty hands and if You choose to take my dad home to You I will have to be okay with that. I want to see him again before that happens but I know I will see him again in any case.

Ten Days of Gratitude Day 8

Today I am grateful for my son, Jonathan. Born 29 years ago today, he is my only son and greatest challenge in life. It started in the womb; he was Franks Breach

and had to born Cesarean section. He was also a dry birth and had an infection when he was born requiring him to remain in the hospital for a week after I was dismissed. Since I wanted to nurse him, I had to go the hospital every few hours to feed him and deliver expressed milk to get him through the night. He was a wonderful baby though. He never cried without obvious reason such as being hungry or needing a diaper change. He really didn't even have a lot of problems with teething. He was easily entertained and didn't require constant attention. I thought all this was normal. When his sister came along I saw that they were very different, but thought it was the average sibling differences and sex differences. We were fairly socially isolated so I had little to compare to. It wasn't until he started school that it became obvious that he was more different than we had realized. Before he was out of Kindergarten he had been tested by a team of experts that concluded that he was psychotic. He was diagnosed with psychotic disorder not otherwise specified because he didn't fit into any one disorder, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, autism et al. He has elements of all of these disorders though. This diagnosis was, of course, quite a blow and it took a lot of therapy for me to learn that it was not my fault and how to parent a special needs child. I failed miserably in so many ways but God is gracious and Jonathan seems to not hold it against me. He left home to live on his own and managed alright with a lot of help from me and his sister but we are living together again renting my daughter's house from her since she moved away to get married. Living with him as a adult is much different and I am challenged every day by our failure to communicate. We both has mental issues, that affect our ability to communicate our attempts are often like ships passing in the night. My son is one of the few people I have ever known that has no malice in him at all. He is genuine and honest; he does not lie. This can be interesting at times, since most people live their lives with lie as a necessity. One should not ask Jonathan a question if they don't want an honest answer. That said, I can't imagine my life without my son and when I see how most young men are I feel blessed beyond measure that my son is who and how he is. Happy Birthday Son I love you.

Ten Days of Gratitude Day

Sigh, I wrote this last night but forgot to publish it.

Today I am grateful for my mom, Della. She is not my birth mother; she died when I was eleven. This mom is my mom by choice. She married my dad when I was 15 and before she did I asked her if she would mind if I called her Mom; she replied that she would be honored and that as far as she was concerned I was her child as much as her own 3 children. She has held fast to that statement and for that alone she deserves this post about her. Yet she has done so much more. I will mention a few to give you an idea, by no means will it be comprehensive. Firstly, she gave me a glimmer of light in my dark, dark life. By the time she came along I was readily deeply depressed and suicidal. She was not in a position to do much to help me, but her love gave me a slender thread of hope that carried me through the rest my time at home. Later when I was married and a mother, when she and my dad divorced; Della called me to tell me and to reassure me that she was by no means divorcing me. She has proven that over and over again. She rode 3 days on a bus from Missouri, several times to visit us in California. She wrote letters faithfully and when I was in a destructive relationship headed nowhere, she opened her home to me and my children to come and stay with her while we got back on our feet. We stayed with her 3 months short of 2 years. Since we have been here she has been my rock and I don't know what I would have done without her. When I gave up my car because I realized it just wasn't affordable; she has been wonderful to take me to doctor appointment, grocery shopping and more whenever she was able to do so. I am so glad Della chose me to be her daughter.

What? Update? Really? YES finally

Ya well what can I say; you've heard it all before. I am saddened a great deal by the gaps -canyons- between my postings.
You see it is not that I don't have anything to say; it is that I have so much to say I get tired just at the thought of trying to narrow my thoughts and ideas down and make it into a cohesive group of words.
Some of the problem too is my computer; it hates me. It really hates me being online. I switched browsers and that has helped some but not enough. I probably have some sort of junk on my computer that the programs I have to remove junk can't remove.
See a computer for me is like a car is for some people. Said people use the car to move them from point A to point B; know to put gas in it and maybe think of putting oil in or changing it if a light comes on and won't go off But said drivers don't check tire pressure,nor check the battery or bother with radiator fluid and the like. All said people know is that after a while the car just stops working.
I know how to so some tings on my computer; rely on it for certain things. I have a virus protection program and I have a couple of programs that I run to " clean up" my computer. I have no idea, however, what those programs actually do and I have no clue if they are doing a good job or not. What I do know is that it no longer works the way it used to work and that when I want to do something online it seems to think I have all day to sit and wait for pages to load. Even though I have DSL I often wonder if dial up could be any slower.
Back to all the things I have to say...I need to bite the bullet and get things written down before my head explodes; or would that be implode? Oh well, just saying I said all that to say I am going to try to write more and if anyone is still following me; please kick me in the backside once in a awhile OK?
More later, I promise...
Before I go please pray for my mom and my sister Lillie; Lillie has Hep C . She has been unconscious for over a week brought on by high ammonia in her blood. She has pneumonia in both lungs, her kidneys are failing because her liver is dead and the shunts put in her liver have clogged. We waited almost a week for her to be transferred to the hospital that her liver doctor works out of. Her doctor ordered meds to keep her in a coma so she is not suffering, however if her lungs do not clear up, there is little that can done be done for her. To make matters worse my mom can't stay with her as she is hospitalized in a hospital that is 2 hours away and she can't afford lodging there.
Thanks and God bless you!

In Which Molten Lava Flows From Her Mouth

I feel sometimes like I am a volcano. Trying so hard to leave so many things unsaid , so many thoughts not spoken, so many tears un-shed that I become unstable and suddenly erupt with little or no warning. Most people would never guess this of me. They wouldn't believe that I could anything but quiet and sweet. They don' realize that I am filled with smoldering lava. It stays there and it simmers; waiting for a that moment when all is quiet and seemingly calm; to boil and erupt; and burn every good thing that has grown, every step of progress made, and every hope ever dreamed.
Most people do not know that I am a monster.

But God knows, and somehow, He doesn't turn away, He doesn't turn His back and say "you are not worthy of my love, monster" Instead God embraces me and speaks in my ear softly of a love I cannot comprehend. He speaks of a love that sacrifices the very Son Of God, to save me. A love that doesn't exclude monsters, but instead tells me I am made in the very image of God and I am beautiful.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Me And My Shadow....

This is a portrait taken by a local studio during the Christmas season as a kind of "give back to the community " program. It is me and my son, Jonathan. We also got individual ones; though I have no idea what to do with them. I don't know why anyone I know would want a picture of me, except my daughter and maybe my mom; and my son doesn't have any friends. I went to get the portraits done because of a lost dream of a family portrait I wanted done ever since the kids were in high school. So now I have these pictures and I had this idea for a post to use with this one. You see,J is my son and I love him dearly; he is one of the greatest blessing in my life; but he is also one of my greatest challenges . He has P.D.N.O.S. (Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) find out more here if you care to. He was diagnosed when he was about 6 years old. Of course you ought to know I am mentally ill myself. Turns out the communication problems he has due his mental illness, and the communication problems I have due to my mental illness have us at odds a good part of the time.
I digress; what prompted this blog post was scanning the pictures and remembering that my daughter left a comment that demanded pictures soon after I told her I had some done. This in turn inspired the title because the main thing that makes my son such a challenge to me but also such a blessing is that he has an unusually strong attachment to me. I could go on and on about that but for his sake I won't. Suffice it to say, thus the title of this post.
I love you, son; please don't ever doubt that.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

Still Here For Now

I am, and have been for some months, profoundly depressed. I don't think I have ever really bounced back from the depression medication changes last year. I had to stop one I was on because it was damaging my liver. But I think I need the component that is in what I was on that damaged my liver is what I need to function better.
The last few months have been worse than ever and I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I don't even have the gumption to reply to emails from my daughter for pity sake! I can't tell you how long it has been since I talked to her on the phone.
I have gained back half of the weight I lost because I don't have any desire to cook and I crave all the stuff I don't need to eat and give in because why shouldn't I? It's not like there's any point in not giving in
Oh ya, my poor son, I treat him like crap most of the time. I am so irritable I yell at him and call him names almost every time he tries to talk to me.
I try to pray but just can't. I want to cry but most of the time can't do that either. I just sit in my chair or lie in bed and the days just melt together into a blur.

Happy Birthday To Me (yes I am still alive)

It actually was for once a very happy birthday. For the first time since I don't know when I didn't have a total meltdown about my birthday. At a time in my life when I feel like I am a total waste of space, I had the best birthday I can remember. The only thing that could have been better would have been to get a in person hug from my Sweetpea. But she did call and she and her brother went together on a present and got me season three of Frasier one of my favorite TV shows.
I am sorry for the absence. I have been very sick and coming back from it has been hard. I wound up in the hospital with pneumonia the week before Memorial Day and was in there a week. I still had very involved pneumonia when they released me and still have inflammation in my lungs now. Plus I developed a serious infection in my stomach called C- Dif caused by the large doses of strong antibiotics I was on for the pneumonia. As if I weren't weak enough from the pneumonia, I had diarrhea for almost a month!
I am still quite weak, so I am not getting anything done and it becomes a viscous cycle that easily leads to inertia if one is not careful and I really have not been careful. So pray for me; I have so much to tell but not the energy to put words to page.

Updating my "dern blog already"!

My dear sweet daughter sent me an email with the above imperative, so here I go.
Her suggested motivator was this Given the choice, would you rather sleep in or eat a delicious breakfast? Is there any food you love so much that you'd wake up at dawn or travel a great distance just to eat it?.

Off the top of my head I think I would say I would rather sleep, since I am not really awake enough when I first get up to enjoy a good breakfast. So that answers the first question and really answers part one of the second as well. However food I would travel a great distance for is another story. I would travel great distance for a few foods; really good liver being one of them as well as a nice tender elk steak...my mouth is watering as I type :-)~ I think I might travel awhile to have See's fudge egg, or my mother's cream filled long johns. ( that would be a real long trip she is hopefully, in Heaven). These are things I can think of off the top of my head, given time I could have a much larger list but I won't take the time since I would probably end up craving something on the list so bad I blow my diet again. Since I am having a hard time taking off the weight I gained over the holidays, I will pass on taking that detour.

26 Years Ago

I was in the hospital resting up from labor and surgery that brought forth my first born, my son. I can't believe it was that long ago. So much has happened over the years, and here we are come full circle to living together once again; and once again I am failing him.
Happy Birthday, son. I hope I can learn to show you love over this next year better than I have thus far.

Rainy Days And A Cloudy Heart

My dear sweet daughter came by today and moved my computer into her old room. I was OK when I packed her stuff up, I was pretty alright when a guy came and got her bed. But this; today I filled with such sadness! It's like this act, this moving other stuff back in here is the final proof that she really is leaving me. In less than 2 weeks I will be minus a daughter. I will give her away and she will no longer be mine, but ours; his wife and my daughter. Once I give her to be married to him, I will have lost her. For in marrying, she becomes someone new. This is as it should be, but that doesn't make it easy. Though I look forward to knowing and loving this new person, I grieve the old. I grieve the lost chances to be a better mother, to prepare her better for what she has faced and will face. I grieve for the many hours of wasted time arguing and fighting when I should have been lavishing love on her instead. O God help me let these feelings go and give them over to You.
O God, be what I have not to my daughter, shelter her in Your arms and protect her as she enters this new phase of her life. Fill her with the knowledge of who she is in You so that she will be all she needs to be for her husband. Give her wings to fly on her own, to make her home one of peace and rest where she and her husband can relax and enjoy one another so that they can go out refreshed and renewed in Your service. In Jesus name, AMEN

Primal Screams And Other Horrors

I let the stress of all the changes I am going through get the best of me today. I ended up doing a few primal screams in the basement, threatening to cut my son's hands off and did and said a few other things that mortify me in the recollection of them.
Please Lord, help keep from defining myself by my actions this afternoon. Lord help me remember Your mercies are ever flowing, and never fail. Help me remember that I am not You and that my failures don't define me.

Beating Around The Bush

I wonder why all desire to communicate must be met with the assumption that there is a point. Isn't it possible that one just desires to connect? Isn't is OK to just feel like hearing how someone's day went? Can't I just need to talk without having something to say?

I am in a fragile state of mind today. Once again I am facing changes in my medication and the effects are not something I would wish on my ex-husband (worst enemy). I did as my therapist advised this time and tried to let people know to gain some sort of support. Good news is requests for prayer have been met with faithfulness from my sisters and brothers in Christ and God. This time I have not become suicidal and out of control. Not so good news is I still don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to, and my most recent attempt was a miserable failure. I am trying to keep from saying I am a failure, trying not to feel I am. I just don't know how to receive help.

If this makes no sense I apologize. Just chalk it up to my muddled mind and pray that I can lean on Jesus right now and maybe I can make more sense later.

Should Have Read This Yesterday

I subscribe to several blogs but usually don't have the ambition to actually keep up with them. This is something I have been feeling bad about and hoping to improve upon, so I was glancing at my Google Reader on my homepage and a title caught my eye. I clicked on it and found this . Notice the date, God was trying to communicate with me but I was not listening; better late than never though, right?
Sorry for the pity party yesterday, thanks for your support.

Happy Birthday United States of America

What are you doing for the fourth?

is a question a lot of people ask. My answer has almost always been nothing. We don't have a BBQ, and we don't friends or family that include us in their celebrations and we don't buy fireworks. Occasionally we have gone to see the city's display; we did the first year we moved here as we had arrived earlier that day and it seemed fitting. But for the most part we spend the weekend at home. Yet I don't feel we are really missing anything because today is not about all that to me. To me all that is like baking a cake and throwing myself a party for someone else' s birthday. To me this day is a time to reflect on the great vision of our forefathers in founding this country where freedom reigns. It is a time to thank God for the privilege of being in born in this country and praying for those who must face the harshness of living in countries where I would be considered wealthy and living for Christ means constant fear of imprisonment and or torture of themselves or family members.
Don't get me wrong,I don't have a problem with the other ways of celebrating this day. As I said I have participated in them as well. But I don't want them to be my focus.
I do hope for a safe and fun fourth for everyone, but I also hope for a time of thoughtful gratitude as well.

Saints In Limbo Blog Tour

I read this book and thoroughly enjoyed it; but I am running out of time to come up with my own review so I will use the summary from the publisher. I know you will enjoy it too. So please click here to order your own copy.
Ever since her husband Joe died, Velma True’s world has been limited to what she can see while clinging to one of the multicolored threads tied to the porch railing of her home outside Echo, Florida.

When a mysterious stranger appears at her door on her birthday and presents Velma with a special gift, she is rattled by the object’s ability to take her into her memories–a place where Joe still lives, her son Rudy is still young, unaffected by the world’s hardness, and the beginning is closer than the end. As secrets old and new come to light, Velma wonders if it’s possible to be unmoored from the past’s deep roots and find a reason to hope again.

Author Bio
River Jordan is a critically acclaimed novelist and playwright whose unique mixture of southern and mystic writing has drawn comparisons to Sarah Addison Allen, Leif Enger, and Flannery O’Connor. Her previous works include The Messenger of Magnolia Street, lauded by Kirkus Reviews as “a beautifully written, atmospheric tale.” She speaks around the country and makes her home in Nashville.

They Call Him Taishi

Bet you can't guess where I am right now? I am roughly 500 miles from home is a place called Suwanee,Georgia. Now you may be asking why am I so far from home? Well it is a very long story but I will begin to tell you here, but you must promise that you won't judge until you have read the whole story which may take a few posts. Just be patient, OK?

Sigh,it all started roughly 5 years ago. My daughter had started an online journal to keep up with her, then, best friend that she had met in 5th grade and and had to leave when we moved at the end of 6th grade.
I made sure she was careful about it; at the time we didn't have a home computer so she had to go to the library to update. When she was 19 she got an apartment of her own with her new best friend and had moved her journal over to a section for Christians. Not long after this guy from Georgia left a comment on one of her posts and they began to talk back and forth through email. He called himself Taishi, but his name is Joshua, and within a few weeks they exchanged phone numbers.
Things went on like this for a few months and then things began to change. They started to argue a lot; he was getting away from Christ and questioning his beliefs and starting to party and do drugs and stuff. Eventually she and him stopped talking at all because he said some really hurtful things to her and she was grieved by that and his unwillingness to give up his lifestyle.
I think it was over a year that they didn't talk then somehow the lines of communication were opened back up. I am not sure who initiated it but she had grown a lot in her faith and maturity and was now able to handle things better and he was learning that he didn't have all the answers as well. At this point we are probably over 3 years into the relationship.
Things went along kind of up and down for about a year of more, her trying to gently nudge him away from his lifestyle, arguments ensuing and apologies and so on.Then her got arrested. Not only was he caught with drugs, but with enough to get charged with posession with intent to distribute, a felony. Waiting for his court day was a nightmare for him and I believe this is what turned him back to Christ. He was really scared he would have to go to prison and very well could have. On his court date he pleaded no contest and got probation, I am not sure how long in total but he got over 6 months of extremely strict probation, he has to be in his house by 7pm!
More later. Remember, don't judge.

That Dog Stole My Underwear!

The above is one of the many shouts to be heard in this house over the last couple of months as we have a new addition to the household; Dharma.

Dharma is a Dorkie ( a Yorkie, Dachshund mix) I found on this website at the first of the year. I had to have them hold her for me until I had the money; which they were nice to do with a small deposit. They had already named her, I would not have chosen her name but it's OK. I would have named her Gobo or Wembley which don't mean much to anyone who is not a fan of Fraggle Rock . She really does resemble a Fraggle which my daughter was the first to notice by sayi8ng she looked like a Jim Henson character. It wasn't until I took her to get shots and the vet called her Fraggle that we made the connection to the show we used to watch when she and her brother were toddlers.


She is now 5 months old and at last weigh in about 3 weeks ago she was 5.5 lbs. A real porker eh? She is not at all spoiled or anything ;)
Maria is great with her, very gentle and patient. Of course Betty doesn't like her but we were planning on giving up Betty anyway, we just haven't found her a home yet. Betty has done better with her than expected though. So far she has not even come close to hurting her, only growled at her for getting to close. I make sure and praise her well for this.
I have tons of pics and will be posting them as well as video. It has been interesting around here for sure. She steals anything she can get her teeth on, even things bigger than she is! When she as just 3 and half months old and all of 3 pounds,I had my vacuum cleaner taken apart and she took the dirt catcher and took off with it. She steals socks, shoes, trash, pens, pill bottles, books, toilet brushes (yuck) and more. If something hits the floor it's a race to get it picked up before she comes and grabs it.
More later. Have great week!



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I Will Praise Him In This Storm

I believe God is Who He says He is and I believe God can do what He says He can do. I keep telling myself this over and over again as I absorb the news that, once again, my daughter has lost her job. The boss had made an agreement with the employee that she replaced that if she ever wanted to come back she could have her job back. Tomorrow will be her last day.
Already I am seeing her fall into destructive behavior, and I lift her to the God of All and pray that He will lift her up. I pray He will pick her up from the pit and put her feet on the solid Rock, and give me wisdom, to know what to say and when to say it, or when to just not say anything at all. I pray god fills her heart with His joy and her mind with peace.
Thank You God, for You are Faithful.