And Forever You Shall Be Known As

I went to a doctor recently to have a plantar wart removed. This was not my first one; though the last one was over 10 years ago. The same doctor saw me today but not in his office because his office doesn't lower itself to take my "insurance". I digress; the doctor came in and since I hadn't seen him for years and had not record at this facility; he asked me if I have any health problems. I said yes and sighed heavily which prompted him to look at the information sent over by my doctor. Now I don't like to dwell on all my health issues but in order to make my point I must list them. I have osteoarthritis in both knees as well as my toes and ankles, spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia syndrome, major depression, COPD, sleep apnea, and diabetes. I also have an over active bladder and a history of ulcers. The doctor looks at the information my family doctor sent over and looked up and said " so mainly diabetes?" Yes I have been diagnosed as a diabetic. Do you know why I am? I am diagnosed as diabetic because one time; yes one time, my A1C was a whopping 6.3! I take no medication for it and subsequent tests have come in the 5 range. But because my AIC was over 6 one time I will forever be labeled diabetic. Now, you may wonder why this bothers me so much. It bothers me for the same reason I hated to list my depression medicine on my paperwork when seeing a new doctor before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Doctors looked at my weight, and the medication was on for depression and assumed my pain was a result of my depression. I abhor assumptions! I want a doctor to look beyond the surface and deal with my body as a whole; is that too much to ask? Just sayin' ya know? Grace and peace CAC

Shake Rattle And Sift

Finally I'm back; sorry it has taken me so long. There has been some issues with computer sharing in the household.
I have a lot of things rattling around in this mess of mind I have. I will try to sort some of them out here. Firstly I have been thinking a lot about the situations in Iraq and Syria.
I am dumbfounded at the disparity of the news coverage compared to Ferguson MO. James Wright Foley's execution finally caused the attention to come back to what is going on in Iraq. I can't imagine the pain Mr. Foley's family is going through right now but neither can I imagine the choice all those family's in Iraq are having to make just because they don't believe the same way a small group of people think they should. I am also puzzled as to why many Christians weren't saying much of anything about Iraq until they heard about other Christian's dying for their faith. How is it worse that Christians were beheaded and such those who are Muslim etc.? It seems to me it would be worse the other way around because at least the Christians have real hope beyond this life. I guess I am just plain disgusted with human beings right now.
Let me preface my next rant thusly; I try really hard not to be racist; I don't judge people based on what they look like or where they come from but prejudice is; I believe an inescapable human condition.
The situation in Ferguson has finally turned a corner. Last night was; at last, peaceful. I just find it odd and irksome that what made the difference seems to be that Attorney General Eric Holder came to town. Mr. Holder is black. I just have a hard time believing that a white Attorney General coming to town would have had the same impact as Mr. Holder's did. I also saw a poll on the news that 60% of black people approve of President Obama's response to what was going on in Ferguson. Really? He refused to come back from his vacation in an act of support until a white journalist was beheaded in Iraq; but that's okay. Why? Because he is a black president? Why was it okay for Obama to basically ignore what was going on in Ferguson; yet so a previous administration to be vilified for the failings of FEMA during hurricane Katrina? Why do people rage about inequality and then partake of it with the same mouth? Why is it okay to vote for someone on the basis of race alone then cry about racism?
See I think all of these things and have all these questions I am afraid to say or ask for fear that I will be criticized for these thoughts. I just don't understand the way people think. I know I can't understand what it is like to be black; to have the color of my skin be who and what I am before anything else. But does that mean I have no right to say anything? Does that mean I have no right to an opinion?
See, the way I see what happened in Ferguson wasn't " look what those black people are doing" it was " look what those angry people are doing". My concerns were for the families trapped in their homes and businesses that were unable to open or damaged or both. My fear was that the violence would begat more violence; that the anger would give birth to more anger. My fears were realized all to truly and my heart weeps for this country that our communities can so easily be divided and torn apart. In the depths of my being I mourn for the Michael Browns of this world. But even more my heart mourns each man, woman and child whose lives were brutally taken from them by ISIS. My heart is torn in pieces over the parents who had to watch their children starve to spare them torture and beheading. I can't fathom how a world can sit by and so little in the face of these things. How often we as humans bemoan what is wrong with the world rather than reaching out to do something about the things we can change.
I shake my head in sorrow and confusion as these thoughts rattle around in my head and in writing I am trying to sift out all the prejudice and hurt. I cry out to God for patience with my fellow man and especially my brothers and sisters in Christ when I see a lack of empathy for those who don't know the redeeming power of grace through Jesus Christ. My spirit bleeds a little each time I see a professing Christian judge another's sin rather than lift them up. My spirit mourns when I replay in my head things I have said in anger rather than understanding. How easily we spout Bible verses to condemn but forget the words of our Savior that He did not come into the world to condemn it but to save it. I cry out to God to help me see through His eyes and I as I do all the stuff I wrote above no longer matters.
I hope I have not offended any one; it is not my intention.
Grace and peace CAC

In Which Molten Lava Flows From Her Mouth

I feel sometimes like I am a volcano. Trying so hard to leave so many things unsaid , so many thoughts not spoken, so many tears un-shed that I become unstable and suddenly erupt with little or no warning. Most people would never guess this of me. They wouldn't believe that I could anything but quiet and sweet. They don' realize that I am filled with smoldering lava. It stays there and it simmers; waiting for a that moment when all is quiet and seemingly calm; to boil and erupt; and burn every good thing that has grown, every step of progress made, and every hope ever dreamed.
Most people do not know that I am a monster.

But God knows, and somehow, He doesn't turn away, He doesn't turn His back and say "you are not worthy of my love, monster" Instead God embraces me and speaks in my ear softly of a love I cannot comprehend. He speaks of a love that sacrifices the very Son Of God, to save me. A love that doesn't exclude monsters, but instead tells me I am made in the very image of God and I am beautiful.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

Sigh, Some Say Inspiring, Some Say?

I found this "> on my daughters blog and for some reason it made me cry like a baby.