It's Just The Dark Before The Morning

I don't know if I have mentioned before that I do BSF ; but I do. This year we are doing Isaiah which has just been added to the studies BSF does. They also do Acts of The Apostles,Romans, John, Genesis, The Life of Moses and The Minor Prophets. But I digress a bit. I bring up BSF because I have not been keeping up with my study this year. I have not done well in that area for a couple of years now but never as bad as this time. I counted up and I have not completed half of the lessons for this year so far. I was not really surprised at the number but it was painful to face none the less. The reason I counted them up is I have made a determination to finish strong. That said; I finished my whole lesson this week which was on Isaiah 49. You can read the passage here . I did the whole lesson and was so blessed. What blessed me most was verses 7-13 and even more so when I read it in the Message .
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead!
Mountains, send up cheers!
God has comforted his people.
He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people
That's me! I am His people and He has comforted me, is comforting me.

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

Pre-Wedding Woes and Worries

Sigh, still decompressing a week later, from a grueling couple of days driving to and from Georgia to take my daughter to give her in marriage and then come home. The trip started out on a sour note when my car that had run fine began to act up and eventually die after I took it to the shop to have it checked out for the trip. I took it in Tuesday, asked them to change the oil, winterize and give it good looking over as I was planning long trip Thursday. From where we live to her new home is almost 500 miles. So they did as I asked, pronounced it fit for travel and I went on my way. Thursday morning I went to babysit for our Ladies Bible Study at my church and when I got ready to come home the check engine light came on. I took in back to the shop and they said it was probably just a mis-read and reset it; if it were to come back on bring it back. So I left, went to meet my daughter to run some errands with her. We drove the car she was borrowing and when we finished I got in my car and head home and the light came back on. I drove it to the shop; by now it was 4pm and we were supposed to leave at 7pm. They looked it over and said it needed a complete tune-up. So my daughter shelled out over $260 to get that done and we paid them and left to have dinner with the people she had been staying with and told them we would pick up the car after as they would be closed when we got back. So we went to dinner, came back followed by our dinner companions as Danielle had their other car. Went to start the car and it didn't want to start. Finally got it to run, ran a little rough on the way home but started right back up when we stopped it at home and restarted it. Packed up the trunk and animals and got ready to go, turned the key and nothing...
Called the shop number no answer, no machine, nothing. So I called our wonderful friend Jerry, who was the one who got me the car and he and his wife brought over their car for us to take.
Once we got on the road things went as smoothly as one can expect when traveling with a cat and dog and three women. We had to stop several times to clean up the cat and his carrier; good reminder for Danielle that she may not want a baby right away. Her cat is a house cat and had no idea what to do outside except breathe the fresh air. She cleaned up the messes without complaint though; a real trooper my girl.
It rained the entire way there; sometimes quite hard but most of the time just steady downpour. I drove all the way there since my mom can't drive well and my dear sweet daughter ended up sleeping almost all the way there. She had told me she would drive part of the way, but she exhausted herself so thoroughly before the trip she just wasn't up for it. I didn't mind; sitting in the car would have been harder on me than doing the driving; at least not any easier.
We got to our destination almost an hour before we were expected to arrive; got out and stretched our legs and found our way to where we would leave Danielle so she and her fiance could get all their last minute stuff done before the wedding. My mom and I then went on to get some breakfast and find a motel so we could get some rest.
Prior to our leaving I was told by Danielle that my mom had asked to go with us and said if she could go she would pay for the motel. So this is what I expected would be the case. However, while we were eating breakfast the check came and my mom picked it up and said she would pay for it since I was paying for the motel. I was stunned; still am but didn't, don't know what to say. Thankfully that day was payday for me so I had the funds in my bank account but it was my entire budget for the month for personal money; food I can't get with my food stamps, medicines, etc.
It also ended up that I had to pay for gas to get home as well though I am not sure why that happened except that I did not have the for-site to talk to Danielle about that before the wedding and she didn't have any money on her then.
So there you have the tone of the trip, stress and more stress and God's grace was present and needed through it all. I will write about the wedding in another post.
Once home my dear rescuer Jerry, got the car to the shop and they discovered the intake manifold, made of plastic, had cracked. I don't know if they admitted any fault in that or not; all I know is my car is back and running fine now and I didn't get a bill for it. Thank You God for Jerry and Peg and all Your provision.

Homeostasis no more

This can be a good thing in our bodies; it is what keeps things running as they should. But God keeps tapping me on the head with this theme of accepting change. It is not something I do well, to say the least. None of us, I suppose really like change. Few relish the thought of it, yet some of us hold on for dear life even the things in our lives that our destructive, rather than embrace the change necessary to make things better. This response to change is what God is bringing me out of, yes kicking and screaming a bit, but I am getting there.
Emergence from the PIT was for me the hardest change I have ever endured. It is the hardest change still. One may think a person would emerge from the mire happy to be out, but not I. I was terrified. This life out of the pit was unfamiliar and scary. This vast expanse of space was strange and not at all comforting or warm. No, this freedom was not my home and I was not at all sure I wanted it to be. Much better, I reasoned to stay close to the edge just in case I needed to dive for cover or something. So I lived this way for many many years. Hanging close to the edge of the pit, loathing it but loving it. Desiring to be free from it but afraid to be to far from it's edge. Slipping back in when things life threw something at me I didn't want to face. Hating myself for falling back in, sighing at the snug fit and familiar air.
Change is hard, but I am learning that I can face it on the outside of the Pit and if I face it with God. Change is necessary for growth and I finally feel like I am reaching for the sun, rather than storing hunkering down and waiting for the storm. I cannot say I embrace change, but I can say I embrace Jesus, and I am ready to go where He takes me; even if it is out of the boat and onto dark choppy waters.

Primal Screams And Other Horrors

I let the stress of all the changes I am going through get the best of me today. I ended up doing a few primal screams in the basement, threatening to cut my son's hands off and did and said a few other things that mortify me in the recollection of them.
Please Lord, help keep from defining myself by my actions this afternoon. Lord help me remember Your mercies are ever flowing, and never fail. Help me remember that I am not You and that my failures don't define me.

Tears And A Tender Heart

I am brought ridiculously easy to tears these last few days and in way I feel like I know who I am again. Since I spent over the first half of my life depressed and untreated for it I had always been one to cry "at the drop of a hat". It really hasn't been until the last few years that medication has eased the flow of those tears. When I was a teenager and pretending to be a Christian, so many people remarked at my tears, that I have a tender heart. It is only in recent years I have come to know that in fact I do not have a tender heart apart from Christ; that on my own I am hard hearted and without compassion. All those tears were psychological pain overflowing and brain chemistry misfiring.
Now, this week I am in the throws of depression medication withdrawal and once again the tears flow and I must remind myself of what is real. I must look into my heart and know it is deceitful above all things and that if the tears are coming because I am tired or saw a sad commercial, it doesn't mean I am so compassionate, or overwhelmed. It simply means my brain chemistry is out of whack. To know who I am I must not rely on how I feel, but who God says I am in His Word. I am more than a conquer in Christ Jesus, I can rise above this trial through His power. I am chosen by before the foundation of the world by Jesus. My name is written in the palm of God's hand.
Thank you God that reality is found in Christ! (Colossians 2:17NIV)

Beating Around The Bush

I wonder why all desire to communicate must be met with the assumption that there is a point. Isn't it possible that one just desires to connect? Isn't is OK to just feel like hearing how someone's day went? Can't I just need to talk without having something to say?

I am in a fragile state of mind today. Once again I am facing changes in my medication and the effects are not something I would wish on my ex-husband (worst enemy). I did as my therapist advised this time and tried to let people know to gain some sort of support. Good news is requests for prayer have been met with faithfulness from my sisters and brothers in Christ and God. This time I have not become suicidal and out of control. Not so good news is I still don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to, and my most recent attempt was a miserable failure. I am trying to keep from saying I am a failure, trying not to feel I am. I just don't know how to receive help.

If this makes no sense I apologize. Just chalk it up to my muddled mind and pray that I can lean on Jesus right now and maybe I can make more sense later.

Muddled And Jumbled

My heart and mind are a jumbled mass of emotions. I am awash in sadness that has me weighted down as surely as though I had boulders attached to my heart. Some of this sadness in explicable, some is not. Yet amidst all this, I am so filled with gratitude for the provision of my God through His people that I cannot put it in to words.
Denial aside finally, I have had to face the fact that I am depressed. Food has lost it's flavor, yet I crave it, sleep eludes me until I am exhausted then I cannot wake up. I cry about things I don't want to, yet can't cry about other things. I have the energy of a rock and about the same amount of empathy for others. The lies I have been telling myself are that "this is the real me". "That the other person people see is me pretending"; this is the lie I told my therapist last week. Thank God, he knows better and the words he spoke to me are beginning to penetrate my darkened heart. He reiterated the gospel to me, which at first made no sense. Surely he was not listening to me! I wasn't saying I had felt I had sin that couldn't be forgiven; I was saying I am worthless! I make no contribution to society, in fact I am a drain upon it. But he was having none of that. "Who decides worth?", he asked. "Is not the heart of the gospel that none of us are worthy?"
Since then this Truth has been working it's way into my heart; I cannot say it has gotten there yet, but it is getting there.
In the midst of all this, my daughter is in severe crisis and I am not able to be what she needs, crippled as I am at this time. I do not want to tell her business, as I have been guilty of before. I can only say her planned future is being met with tremendous obstacles and opposition.

Winner Night Watchman

Congratulations Nicole, you have won Night Watchman. I will get to your book to you soon. Enjoy and thanks for your participation.

Saints In Limbo Blog Tour

I read this book and thoroughly enjoyed it; but I am running out of time to come up with my own review so I will use the summary from the publisher. I know you will enjoy it too. So please click here to order your own copy.
Ever since her husband Joe died, Velma True’s world has been limited to what she can see while clinging to one of the multicolored threads tied to the porch railing of her home outside Echo, Florida.

When a mysterious stranger appears at her door on her birthday and presents Velma with a special gift, she is rattled by the object’s ability to take her into her memories–a place where Joe still lives, her son Rudy is still young, unaffected by the world’s hardness, and the beginning is closer than the end. As secrets old and new come to light, Velma wonders if it’s possible to be unmoored from the past’s deep roots and find a reason to hope again.

Author Bio
River Jordan is a critically acclaimed novelist and playwright whose unique mixture of southern and mystic writing has drawn comparisons to Sarah Addison Allen, Leif Enger, and Flannery O’Connor. Her previous works include The Messenger of Magnolia Street, lauded by Kirkus Reviews as “a beautifully written, atmospheric tale.” She speaks around the country and makes her home in Nashville.

They Call Him Taishi

Bet you can't guess where I am right now? I am roughly 500 miles from home is a place called Suwanee,Georgia. Now you may be asking why am I so far from home? Well it is a very long story but I will begin to tell you here, but you must promise that you won't judge until you have read the whole story which may take a few posts. Just be patient, OK?

Sigh,it all started roughly 5 years ago. My daughter had started an online journal to keep up with her, then, best friend that she had met in 5th grade and and had to leave when we moved at the end of 6th grade.
I made sure she was careful about it; at the time we didn't have a home computer so she had to go to the library to update. When she was 19 she got an apartment of her own with her new best friend and had moved her journal over to a section for Christians. Not long after this guy from Georgia left a comment on one of her posts and they began to talk back and forth through email. He called himself Taishi, but his name is Joshua, and within a few weeks they exchanged phone numbers.
Things went on like this for a few months and then things began to change. They started to argue a lot; he was getting away from Christ and questioning his beliefs and starting to party and do drugs and stuff. Eventually she and him stopped talking at all because he said some really hurtful things to her and she was grieved by that and his unwillingness to give up his lifestyle.
I think it was over a year that they didn't talk then somehow the lines of communication were opened back up. I am not sure who initiated it but she had grown a lot in her faith and maturity and was now able to handle things better and he was learning that he didn't have all the answers as well. At this point we are probably over 3 years into the relationship.
Things went along kind of up and down for about a year of more, her trying to gently nudge him away from his lifestyle, arguments ensuing and apologies and so on.Then her got arrested. Not only was he caught with drugs, but with enough to get charged with posession with intent to distribute, a felony. Waiting for his court day was a nightmare for him and I believe this is what turned him back to Christ. He was really scared he would have to go to prison and very well could have. On his court date he pleaded no contest and got probation, I am not sure how long in total but he got over 6 months of extremely strict probation, he has to be in his house by 7pm!
More later. Remember, don't judge.

Perspective

I think we all could a change in our perspective once in awhile. Check out this to get a change in yours today. It pierced my heart pretty good, let me tell ya!
Have a blessed day and a good weekend. It will be raining here; hope someone gets some time in the outdoors with sunshine.

Time Marches On

My baby turns 24 today! I can't believe it! Where has the time gone? Wasn't it just a only 5 or 6 years ago that I held her in my arms in the hospital and gazed into her bright blue eyes filled with knowing? Just a few years ago that she was getting into the pantry and taking cocoa mix and cereal and dumping them in her brother's closet? Surely it has not been over 20 years since I was thinking one of us would not survive another year of this!
Had I known this day would come this fast, would I have treasured those days of testing her limits and pushing the line? How many times would I have said I love you instead of NO or DON'T? How many times would I have just let the housework go and instead sit and hold her in my arms, smelling the sweetness of her baby skin and feeling her heart beat next to mine?
Those of you who have small children, I implore you, treasure each moment, let them make messes, snuggle all you can, because you will turn around one day and see them graduating high school, blink and they have graduated college or moved across the country for a great career opportunity. Close your eyes and the phone will wake you to hear I'm getting married. Hold on to them, for tomorrow, they will insist you let them go.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETPEA;
I am so very humbled to have been given the privilege of being your mother and proud to call you my roommate and friend. I pray you will be as blessed as you have blessed me; for I could not wish you anything greater than this. I love you.

So This Is Why I Stopped Eating "Regular" Food!

I went to a Home Party for a popular kitchen gadget company last night and I decided to live a little and just eat what was being prepared instead of eating at home and refraining as usual. The demonstration dishes were a fake lasagna dish made with tortillas, canned sauce, etc. and a dessert pizza; which used a sugar cookie dough crust, whipped topping with cream cheese, pineapples, bananas, and strawberry ice cream topping. I only had a little slice of the dessert and a small serving of the main dish. I didn't even eat all the dessert. I felt like I had just poured a bag of sugar down my throat afterwords and today? Today I feel awful! OK part of it is the chair I sat in, and part of it is the weather changing but still- I feel like a giant slug, moving through freshly poured cement! I don't think I will be tempted to "cheat" again anytime soon, if ever. I don't like feeling this way!

On a diffrent note, I found this messing around online earlier today.
If you insert Jesus Christ where she says inside it is pretty right on. The direction our nation has taken is certainly scary, and if we stay on this course our future looks pretty bleak. If you don't regularly pray for our nation and our youth, I hope you will consider changing that. I know I will.
Yet still I praise God, for He is Worthy and He is our Hope and Help.

Dinner With A Perfect Stranger Blog Tour

Dinner With A Perfect Stranger by David Gregory is a large blessing in a small package.
Only 100 pages long, this little book does a great job of presenting Jesus and His Father to would be critics and detractors.
A man receives an invitation to dinner with none other than, Jesus of Nazareth and goes simply to play along with what he feels is an obvious joke on him by one of his colleagues. What he finds when he gets there is only the first surprise of the evening as he converses with a man who knows a lot about him and has some very interesting answers to his questions.
Well told, historically and Biblically accurate; this story will warm the hearts of the devout to the skeptic. It is a well written, interesting and perfectly paced while also being informative and even fun. I highly recommend this book and look forward to the companion, A Day with A Perfect Stranger.

What if a fascinating stranger knew you better than you know yourself?

When her husband comes home with a farfetched story about eating dinner with someone he believes to be Jesus, Mattie Cominsky thinks this may signal the end of her shaky marriage. Convinced that Nick is, at best, turning into a religious nut, the self-described agnostic hopes that a quick business trip will give her time to think things through.

On board the plane, Mattie strikes up a conversation with a fellow passenger. When she discovers their shared scorn for religion, she confides her frustration over her husband’s recent conversion. The stranger suggests that perhaps her husband isn’t seeking religion but true spiritual connection, an idea that prompts her to reflect on her own search for fulfillment.

As their conversation turns to issues of spiritual longing and deeper questions about the nature of God, Mattie finds herself increasingly drawn to this insightful stranger. But when the discussion unexpectedly turns personal, touching on things she’s never told anyone, Mattie is startled and disturbed. Who is this man who seems to peer straight into her soul?

David Gregory is the author of the best-selling books Dinner with a Perfect Stranger and A Day with a Perfect Stranger, and coauthor of two nonfiction books. After a ten-year business career, he returned to school to study religion and communications, earning graduate degrees from The University of North Texas and Dallas Theological Seminary. A native Texan, David now devotes himself to writing full time.


You can learn more about and purchase these books here or here

Blog Tour Of The Echo Within by Robert Benson

This is an interesting little book. I would not call it theologically sound, yet it could be useful for one whom finds herself feeling unable to hear the voice of God. It would be a great starting point, as long as one did not stop here but went on to read her Bible and consult with her pastor. I feel the author stops short of getting into any real relevant spiritual meat. Whether this is because he does not have his own insight to provide it or is trying to appeal to a wider audience by not digging deeper I am not sure. I hope it is not the former. There is too much of a "I'm OK, You're OK" type of thing going on here. While God has created us and desires to be a part of our lives, we must realize that without the finished work of Jesus Christ; looking inside ourselves for answers will leave us empty and lost.

I was enchanted by Mr Benson's anecdotes from his life; as a child and as a grown person. I like his writing style, it seems as though he is sitting across from you in the room and having a conversation. It is well written, with just the right amount of humor to make it move along quickly and just enough personal whimsy to keep one turning the pages. I think I would like to someday check out some of his other works, as this is the first book of his I have read.
This would be good book to give to someone as long as you made sure they did not use it on it's own to discern direction.
This is the information from the publisher
The Echo Within is a profoundly affecting, honest look at the myriad ways we are drawn into our life’s best work.
Written out of his own lifelong search for and response to the calling voice of God, Robert Benson recounts his discovery of the meaning of vocation, work, and purpose through the ups and downs inherent in family life, professional choice, and spiritual experience. With clarity and insight, and in the elegant prose for which he is known, he gently invites and encourages readers to find such deep truths for their lives as well. In particular, he illuminates the way for readers to explore:
· ways to sense the Holy in our pursuits, both in the pursuits themselves and within ourselves.
· how to fall into our vocation and chart a course toward it at the same time.
· how to love the work we do, and the process of doing it.
Robert Benson has written more than a dozen books about the discovery of the sacred in the midst of our ordinary lives, including Between the Dreaming and the Coming True, Home By Another Way, and Digging In. His work has been critically acclaimed in a wide range of publications from The New York Times and USA Today to Spirituality & Health and The Benedictine Review. He is an alumnus of The Upper Room’s Academy for Spiritual Formation and was recently named a Living Spiritual Teacher by SpiritualityandPractice.com. He lives in Nashville, Tennessee.



You can purchase this book at
or herehere.
Or you could have a chance at winning a copy of your own by commenting on this post. I will choose two comments by random number generator on March 14 Good luck!

Stop That Thief, She Stole A Priceless Plastic....

I am overdue for an update, as usual. I am trying to do better, really I am!

I mentioned in an earlier post that my daughter was fired from her job. I didn't go into details at the time as I was deeply depressed at the time. But the details beg to be shared.
Those of you who don't know my daughter may not believe there is not more to the story, but trust me there is not. I would think the same thing of someone I didn't know if I were told something like the following. My daughter worked for National Asset Recovery Services, she started in August on last year. NARS has Cafeterias in their workplace but they are not open all shifts. She was working the 2-11 pm shift one Saturday about 2 weeks ago,and brought a salad to work. The cafeteria wasn't open but since other times she had brought a salad and they had given her a fork, she simply hopped over the counter and grabbed a fork. Almost a week later she was called in from her desk and told she what she had done constituted breaking and entering and robbery and she was immediately fired.

She had NEVER been in trouble before, never been late for work, had just earned a free jeans for a week pass for doing well at her job the day before. Like I said, if I didn't' know her I would think, she had to have been messing up all along. It still amazes me, and everyone I tell thinks I am joking at first. I wish I were! Some have chastised her for not fighting it, but for what? Why would one want to work for someone who treats valuable employees like this?

Sigh, we were both stunned and discouraged for awhile. She went back to her old standby BK, whom she was still working for part time anyway, and started working on her resume. Stay tuned for the happy conclusion to this saga. Also coming soon, more blog tours and giveaways.

In the meantime, please pray for me and for her, that we will not hold bitterness in our hearts over this and allow the enemy a foothold in our lives.

Pinpricks Of Light

My sweet daughter shared a song with me earlier this evening. I have listened to it three times now,and am beginning to feel the Light penetrating.

Thank you dear daughter, thank you to those who have commented, and prayed, and thank YOU God. Please let me feel Your love.">

Walls of Silence

It is said one's job as a parent is never done and I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. But one can't parent a child forever either and therein is the conundrum.
When one's child becomes an adult and one has not raised them as in the best of ways most of their lives; one is faced with a lot of drama.
I find myself, as a parent who made a ton of mistakes, with seeing my daughter suffer for those mistakes. Not just that, but since my failures(along with those of her father's) have instilled in her a deep lack of trust; she also will not talk to me about her struggles. She doesn't believe that there is nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her, and she doesn't believe I can help her. Her belief is founded in how she saw me most of her childhood. I have been profoundly depressed most of her life and when she needed me most, I was often too caught up in my own pain to notice, and now I fear the same thing is happening again. I have been going through an especially hard time with depression for over 4 months and I have just been struck with this odd feeling the last few days that something has happened, that I have once again missed some pivotal time event or struggle in her life. I see her hurting and I hurt for her, but we pass through our days in silence, pretending our respective walls of pain are merely small hills or bumps.
Trust is an issue for me as well, though I deal express it differently. I tend to give everyone trust just so I watch them break that trust proving to myself that I was right all along and no one can be trusted. My daughter on the other hand holds on to trust like it was precious jewels that she must guard with her life. She would rather die than relinquish it.
How can we learn to stop being the people our past has made us and learn to be the people God knows we can be?

Ch ch ch changes

Did some messing around; let me know what you think!