A Nook

I just had to share this; check it out


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Homeostasis no more

This can be a good thing in our bodies; it is what keeps things running as they should. But God keeps tapping me on the head with this theme of accepting change. It is not something I do well, to say the least. None of us, I suppose really like change. Few relish the thought of it, yet some of us hold on for dear life even the things in our lives that our destructive, rather than embrace the change necessary to make things better. This response to change is what God is bringing me out of, yes kicking and screaming a bit, but I am getting there.
Emergence from the PIT was for me the hardest change I have ever endured. It is the hardest change still. One may think a person would emerge from the mire happy to be out, but not I. I was terrified. This life out of the pit was unfamiliar and scary. This vast expanse of space was strange and not at all comforting or warm. No, this freedom was not my home and I was not at all sure I wanted it to be. Much better, I reasoned to stay close to the edge just in case I needed to dive for cover or something. So I lived this way for many many years. Hanging close to the edge of the pit, loathing it but loving it. Desiring to be free from it but afraid to be to far from it's edge. Slipping back in when things life threw something at me I didn't want to face. Hating myself for falling back in, sighing at the snug fit and familiar air.
Change is hard, but I am learning that I can face it on the outside of the Pit and if I face it with God. Change is necessary for growth and I finally feel like I am reaching for the sun, rather than storing hunkering down and waiting for the storm. I cannot say I embrace change, but I can say I embrace Jesus, and I am ready to go where He takes me; even if it is out of the boat and onto dark choppy waters.

Rainy Days And A Cloudy Heart

My dear sweet daughter came by today and moved my computer into her old room. I was OK when I packed her stuff up, I was pretty alright when a guy came and got her bed. But this; today I filled with such sadness! It's like this act, this moving other stuff back in here is the final proof that she really is leaving me. In less than 2 weeks I will be minus a daughter. I will give her away and she will no longer be mine, but ours; his wife and my daughter. Once I give her to be married to him, I will have lost her. For in marrying, she becomes someone new. This is as it should be, but that doesn't make it easy. Though I look forward to knowing and loving this new person, I grieve the old. I grieve the lost chances to be a better mother, to prepare her better for what she has faced and will face. I grieve for the many hours of wasted time arguing and fighting when I should have been lavishing love on her instead. O God help me let these feelings go and give them over to You.
O God, be what I have not to my daughter, shelter her in Your arms and protect her as she enters this new phase of her life. Fill her with the knowledge of who she is in You so that she will be all she needs to be for her husband. Give her wings to fly on her own, to make her home one of peace and rest where she and her husband can relax and enjoy one another so that they can go out refreshed and renewed in Your service. In Jesus name, AMEN

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I had no idea this is what today was.
To all of those who have lost babies, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don't imagine to understand your pain, but I know God knows and I know you will be reunited with them someday. I pray God's unique comfort and peace envelope you and your families until then.

Relief and Redemption

I feel so much better than I did last week. It is like night and day. I am more grateful than anyone will ever know for all the prayers and encouragement I have received over these last few days THANK YOU and most of all thank God, Who through all is faithful.
I was able to be a part of my local Body of Christ Sunday and stand and praise the One Who gave all for me with renewed joy and fortitude. Praise His Holy Name, Lord God of All!

Primal Screams And Other Horrors

I let the stress of all the changes I am going through get the best of me today. I ended up doing a few primal screams in the basement, threatening to cut my son's hands off and did and said a few other things that mortify me in the recollection of them.
Please Lord, help keep from defining myself by my actions this afternoon. Lord help me remember Your mercies are ever flowing, and never fail. Help me remember that I am not You and that my failures don't define me.

Tears And A Tender Heart

I am brought ridiculously easy to tears these last few days and in way I feel like I know who I am again. Since I spent over the first half of my life depressed and untreated for it I had always been one to cry "at the drop of a hat". It really hasn't been until the last few years that medication has eased the flow of those tears. When I was a teenager and pretending to be a Christian, so many people remarked at my tears, that I have a tender heart. It is only in recent years I have come to know that in fact I do not have a tender heart apart from Christ; that on my own I am hard hearted and without compassion. All those tears were psychological pain overflowing and brain chemistry misfiring.
Now, this week I am in the throws of depression medication withdrawal and once again the tears flow and I must remind myself of what is real. I must look into my heart and know it is deceitful above all things and that if the tears are coming because I am tired or saw a sad commercial, it doesn't mean I am so compassionate, or overwhelmed. It simply means my brain chemistry is out of whack. To know who I am I must not rely on how I feel, but who God says I am in His Word. I am more than a conquer in Christ Jesus, I can rise above this trial through His power. I am chosen by before the foundation of the world by Jesus. My name is written in the palm of God's hand.
Thank you God that reality is found in Christ! (Colossians 2:17NIV)

Beating Around The Bush

I wonder why all desire to communicate must be met with the assumption that there is a point. Isn't it possible that one just desires to connect? Isn't is OK to just feel like hearing how someone's day went? Can't I just need to talk without having something to say?

I am in a fragile state of mind today. Once again I am facing changes in my medication and the effects are not something I would wish on my ex-husband (worst enemy). I did as my therapist advised this time and tried to let people know to gain some sort of support. Good news is requests for prayer have been met with faithfulness from my sisters and brothers in Christ and God. This time I have not become suicidal and out of control. Not so good news is I still don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to, and my most recent attempt was a miserable failure. I am trying to keep from saying I am a failure, trying not to feel I am. I just don't know how to receive help.

If this makes no sense I apologize. Just chalk it up to my muddled mind and pray that I can lean on Jesus right now and maybe I can make more sense later.