I was in the hospital resting up from labor and surgery that brought forth my first born, my son. I can't believe it was that long ago. So much has happened over the years, and here we are come full circle to living together once again; and once again I am failing him.
Happy Birthday, son. I hope I can learn to show you love over this next year better than I have thus far.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Pre-Wedding Woes and Worries
Sigh, still decompressing a week later, from a grueling couple of days driving to and from Georgia to take my daughter to give her in marriage and then come home. The trip started out on a sour note when my car that had run fine began to act up and eventually die after I took it to the shop to have it checked out for the trip. I took it in Tuesday, asked them to change the oil, winterize and give it good looking over as I was planning long trip Thursday. From where we live to her new home is almost 500 miles. So they did as I asked, pronounced it fit for travel and I went on my way. Thursday morning I went to babysit for our Ladies Bible Study at my church and when I got ready to come home the check engine light came on. I took in back to the shop and they said it was probably just a mis-read and reset it; if it were to come back on bring it back. So I left, went to meet my daughter to run some errands with her. We drove the car she was borrowing and when we finished I got in my car and head home and the light came back on. I drove it to the shop; by now it was 4pm and we were supposed to leave at 7pm. They looked it over and said it needed a complete tune-up. So my daughter shelled out over $260 to get that done and we paid them and left to have dinner with the people she had been staying with and told them we would pick up the car after as they would be closed when we got back. So we went to dinner, came back followed by our dinner companions as Danielle had their other car. Went to start the car and it didn't want to start. Finally got it to run, ran a little rough on the way home but started right back up when we stopped it at home and restarted it. Packed up the trunk and animals and got ready to go, turned the key and nothing...
Called the shop number no answer, no machine, nothing. So I called our wonderful friend Jerry, who was the one who got me the car and he and his wife brought over their car for us to take.
Once we got on the road things went as smoothly as one can expect when traveling with a cat and dog and three women. We had to stop several times to clean up the cat and his carrier; good reminder for Danielle that she may not want a baby right away. Her cat is a house cat and had no idea what to do outside except breathe the fresh air. She cleaned up the messes without complaint though; a real trooper my girl.
It rained the entire way there; sometimes quite hard but most of the time just steady downpour. I drove all the way there since my mom can't drive well and my dear sweet daughter ended up sleeping almost all the way there. She had told me she would drive part of the way, but she exhausted herself so thoroughly before the trip she just wasn't up for it. I didn't mind; sitting in the car would have been harder on me than doing the driving; at least not any easier.
We got to our destination almost an hour before we were expected to arrive; got out and stretched our legs and found our way to where we would leave Danielle so she and her fiance could get all their last minute stuff done before the wedding. My mom and I then went on to get some breakfast and find a motel so we could get some rest.
Prior to our leaving I was told by Danielle that my mom had asked to go with us and said if she could go she would pay for the motel. So this is what I expected would be the case. However, while we were eating breakfast the check came and my mom picked it up and said she would pay for it since I was paying for the motel. I was stunned; still am but didn't, don't know what to say. Thankfully that day was payday for me so I had the funds in my bank account but it was my entire budget for the month for personal money; food I can't get with my food stamps, medicines, etc.
It also ended up that I had to pay for gas to get home as well though I am not sure why that happened except that I did not have the for-site to talk to Danielle about that before the wedding and she didn't have any money on her then.
So there you have the tone of the trip, stress and more stress and God's grace was present and needed through it all. I will write about the wedding in another post.
Once home my dear rescuer Jerry, got the car to the shop and they discovered the intake manifold, made of plastic, had cracked. I don't know if they admitted any fault in that or not; all I know is my car is back and running fine now and I didn't get a bill for it. Thank You God for Jerry and Peg and all Your provision.
Called the shop number no answer, no machine, nothing. So I called our wonderful friend Jerry, who was the one who got me the car and he and his wife brought over their car for us to take.
Once we got on the road things went as smoothly as one can expect when traveling with a cat and dog and three women. We had to stop several times to clean up the cat and his carrier; good reminder for Danielle that she may not want a baby right away. Her cat is a house cat and had no idea what to do outside except breathe the fresh air. She cleaned up the messes without complaint though; a real trooper my girl.
It rained the entire way there; sometimes quite hard but most of the time just steady downpour. I drove all the way there since my mom can't drive well and my dear sweet daughter ended up sleeping almost all the way there. She had told me she would drive part of the way, but she exhausted herself so thoroughly before the trip she just wasn't up for it. I didn't mind; sitting in the car would have been harder on me than doing the driving; at least not any easier.
We got to our destination almost an hour before we were expected to arrive; got out and stretched our legs and found our way to where we would leave Danielle so she and her fiance could get all their last minute stuff done before the wedding. My mom and I then went on to get some breakfast and find a motel so we could get some rest.
Prior to our leaving I was told by Danielle that my mom had asked to go with us and said if she could go she would pay for the motel. So this is what I expected would be the case. However, while we were eating breakfast the check came and my mom picked it up and said she would pay for it since I was paying for the motel. I was stunned; still am but didn't, don't know what to say. Thankfully that day was payday for me so I had the funds in my bank account but it was my entire budget for the month for personal money; food I can't get with my food stamps, medicines, etc.
It also ended up that I had to pay for gas to get home as well though I am not sure why that happened except that I did not have the for-site to talk to Danielle about that before the wedding and she didn't have any money on her then.
So there you have the tone of the trip, stress and more stress and God's grace was present and needed through it all. I will write about the wedding in another post.
Once home my dear rescuer Jerry, got the car to the shop and they discovered the intake manifold, made of plastic, had cracked. I don't know if they admitted any fault in that or not; all I know is my car is back and running fine now and I didn't get a bill for it. Thank You God for Jerry and Peg and all Your provision.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Homeostasis no more
This can be a good thing in our bodies; it is what keeps things running as they should. But God keeps tapping me on the head with this theme of accepting change. It is not something I do well, to say the least. None of us, I suppose really like change. Few relish the thought of it, yet some of us hold on for dear life even the things in our lives that our destructive, rather than embrace the change necessary to make things better. This response to change is what God is bringing me out of, yes kicking and screaming a bit, but I am getting there.
Emergence from the PIT was for me the hardest change I have ever endured. It is the hardest change still. One may think a person would emerge from the mire happy to be out, but not I. I was terrified. This life out of the pit was unfamiliar and scary. This vast expanse of space was strange and not at all comforting or warm. No, this freedom was not my home and I was not at all sure I wanted it to be. Much better, I reasoned to stay close to the edge just in case I needed to dive for cover or something. So I lived this way for many many years. Hanging close to the edge of the pit, loathing it but loving it. Desiring to be free from it but afraid to be to far from it's edge. Slipping back in when things life threw something at me I didn't want to face. Hating myself for falling back in, sighing at the snug fit and familiar air.
Change is hard, but I am learning that I can face it on the outside of the Pit and if I face it with God. Change is necessary for growth and I finally feel like I am reaching for the sun, rather than storing hunkering down and waiting for the storm. I cannot say I embrace change, but I can say I embrace Jesus, and I am ready to go where He takes me; even if it is out of the boat and onto dark choppy waters.
Emergence from the PIT was for me the hardest change I have ever endured. It is the hardest change still. One may think a person would emerge from the mire happy to be out, but not I. I was terrified. This life out of the pit was unfamiliar and scary. This vast expanse of space was strange and not at all comforting or warm. No, this freedom was not my home and I was not at all sure I wanted it to be. Much better, I reasoned to stay close to the edge just in case I needed to dive for cover or something. So I lived this way for many many years. Hanging close to the edge of the pit, loathing it but loving it. Desiring to be free from it but afraid to be to far from it's edge. Slipping back in when things life threw something at me I didn't want to face. Hating myself for falling back in, sighing at the snug fit and familiar air.
Change is hard, but I am learning that I can face it on the outside of the Pit and if I face it with God. Change is necessary for growth and I finally feel like I am reaching for the sun, rather than storing hunkering down and waiting for the storm. I cannot say I embrace change, but I can say I embrace Jesus, and I am ready to go where He takes me; even if it is out of the boat and onto dark choppy waters.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Rainy Days And A Cloudy Heart
My dear sweet daughter came by today and moved my computer into her old room. I was OK when I packed her stuff up, I was pretty alright when a guy came and got her bed. But this; today I filled with such sadness! It's like this act, this moving other stuff back in here is the final proof that she really is leaving me. In less than 2 weeks I will be minus a daughter. I will give her away and she will no longer be mine, but ours; his wife and my daughter. Once I give her to be married to him, I will have lost her. For in marrying, she becomes someone new. This is as it should be, but that doesn't make it easy. Though I look forward to knowing and loving this new person, I grieve the old. I grieve the lost chances to be a better mother, to prepare her better for what she has faced and will face. I grieve for the many hours of wasted time arguing and fighting when I should have been lavishing love on her instead. O God help me let these feelings go and give them over to You.
O God, be what I have not to my daughter, shelter her in Your arms and protect her as she enters this new phase of her life. Fill her with the knowledge of who she is in You so that she will be all she needs to be for her husband. Give her wings to fly on her own, to make her home one of peace and rest where she and her husband can relax and enjoy one another so that they can go out refreshed and renewed in Your service. In Jesus name, AMEN
O God, be what I have not to my daughter, shelter her in Your arms and protect her as she enters this new phase of her life. Fill her with the knowledge of who she is in You so that she will be all she needs to be for her husband. Give her wings to fly on her own, to make her home one of peace and rest where she and her husband can relax and enjoy one another so that they can go out refreshed and renewed in Your service. In Jesus name, AMEN
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
I had no idea this is what today was.
To all of those who have lost babies, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don't imagine to understand your pain, but I know God knows and I know you will be reunited with them someday. I pray God's unique comfort and peace envelope you and your families until then.
To all of those who have lost babies, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don't imagine to understand your pain, but I know God knows and I know you will be reunited with them someday. I pray God's unique comfort and peace envelope you and your families until then.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Relief and Redemption
I feel so much better than I did last week. It is like night and day. I am more grateful than anyone will ever know for all the prayers and encouragement I have received over these last few days THANK YOU and most of all thank God, Who through all is faithful.
I was able to be a part of my local Body of Christ Sunday and stand and praise the One Who gave all for me with renewed joy and fortitude. Praise His Holy Name, Lord God of All!
I was able to be a part of my local Body of Christ Sunday and stand and praise the One Who gave all for me with renewed joy and fortitude. Praise His Holy Name, Lord God of All!
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