Overdue

I am late in getting to many things of late, not the least of which is replying to my daughter's last few posts.
They are so deeply moving I feel inadequate to comment in my simple convoluted writing style. To say I am amazed is redundant yet true, to say I am moved to tears to see the incredible growth I have seen take place in her over these last months would be a gross understatement of the facts. She stepped out of her comfort zone, which was more difficult than one could imagine; made herself vulnerable in a way she didn't think she was capable of doing and God has been, as always, faithful beyond comprehension. I cannot voice the emotions swirling around in my heart over this. To watch her take these brave steps was so hard, yet it was I who held her hand while she did, just as I did when she began to stand and wobble as baby. I did not want to see her fall, yet I called to her from the across the room when she stood on the cusp of taking her first steps and said " come to me, I know you can do it". To say I am proud of her seems off somehow but I cannot come up with another was of putting it. I don't take any credit for the way she is, in fact I feel she is who she is in spite of me, I also don't credit her completely; though she is amazingly mature and intelligent. I know she would not be the woman she is without Christ tempering her pride and calling her out of herself.
I have made so many mistakes in parenting my children, and I just thank God He has had mercy on them and me, that those mistakes have not cost them as dearly as they could have.
I hope this will serve a sufficient comment my dear one.
I am also late in posting here, both in general and specifically. I mentioned I would be posting about my diet progress soon and as yet have not. I will do so in my next post; no later than tomorrow, I promise.
Neglect seems to sum up my life of late.
I have not been going to church much at all the last couple of months. I have been having a lot of trouble with my back and sitting in church is agonizing, as is standing. I feel like I am disappointing my daughter every time I don't make it, and I am disappointed in myself as well. If I were to be totally honest with myself I would have to say that if I didn't feel neglected by certain people I would try harder to push through the pain and go anyway. Whew, that was hard!
OK, as I said my back hurts so I am going to have to get out of this computer chair and get more comfortable so I need to make this the end of this post.

Bumping

and bumping, one says to herself, " you had to ask".

My children have been great at nudging me, maybe a little too good. No sitting on ones laurels now!
So I have been bumped, now what to write?



I have discovered Facebook, and should have known when the first person warned me not to get addicted, but I'm slow. By the time the second person warned me I was well on my way down addiction highway. Of course I can stop anytime I want to. Oh hang on it's been half an hour since I checked---um ya well---but---Facebook really is interesting, I think over half the attraction is figuring out how everything works. I am so nosey, I see something on someone's profile and I need to know how they did that, or where they found that. Some people think I am smart because I figure out how to use functions on cell phones et al but really it's just that I am just curious.
That's it for now. Thanks for the bumps J & D :P
Update on GI Diet progress coming soon!

Too Tired To Write

and in too much pain to think so enjoy some video of thunderstorms :) The first two are mine the other is from YouTube shot from an airplane during a thunderstorm.

Can You Tell I LIke This?

The Flip is so much fun!
You probably also don't realize I really like my pets, I mean I never post anything with them in it :P

Not To Beat A Dead Horse

but reading Job has brought up some things I am still struggling to move past. A few months ago I wrote some things that were critical of a group of people. I admit it was not the wisest thing I have ever done. I did not think about how it could be taken by some. I deleted the posts soon after and then just went ahead and deleted the whole blog. What niggles at my brain is how a someone I considered my best friend reacted to it, and her actions surrounding it. I had posted a lot of good things proir to that, lots of poetry and the like and not once did she comment on any of it. No, encourgement, praise, critquie, nothing. Then all of sudden wham. I guess I am still reeling from it somewhat.
Now I am reading Job ( the only thing I can usually say it great about August,;my Daily Bible put me in Job about midway through and I feel almost like I have come home again). I get to around Chapter 4 where Job's friends begin to talk. Eliphaz says Job has sinned and that he is being chastened by God; and while I am reading Jobs response to this it hits me. This is how I felt at that time and still do. I read Job's words in, Chapter 6:14-21 that really express what I feel as well as these later on - " you undermine your friend" and, " but you are forgers of lies, you are worthless physicians. Oh that you would be silent, and it would be your wisdom" or " Miserable comforters are you"
You see what Job's friends were saying was not all wrong; most of it was dead on right theologically. But they lacked compassion for Job and judged his position with God by his circumstances. I feel this is what my friend did to me. Had she been keeping up with my blog she should have known that I was not, as she accused, depending on others to lift my burdens from me rather than looking to God. She would have realized were it not for God's strength things would have been more than I could bear and I would be either dead or in the hospital's psych ward. But instead she assumed since I was pointing out that I had been abandoned by this group of people, that I was in need of admonishment for assuming someone owed me something or that I was being ungrateful for prior help.
Sigh, I know I need to move past this, I know I need to forgive and that part of that is letting it go, in spite of the fact that one never apologized for the attack. I need Jesus to show me how far the east is from the west; and show me how to fling these feelings that far.
Like Job, God spoke to me about my attitude and showed me that I could have leaned on Him more and accepted things for what they were without lashing becasue He was and is in control; but unlkie Job, God didn't put my friend in her place for me. Is this what I expect, or want? I mean imagine how those friends of Job must have felt after God spoke to them like that, small enough to " crawl under the floor", I would think. I don't want anyone to experience that on my behalf; I am not worthy of that by a long shot. Job afterall was blameless and upright, so not me.
But I do wonder sometimes what became of Job's relationship with his friends after this. Did their friendship continue, did it change?
Sigh, oh well I guess I will lay my stick down now, poor horse has surely had enough.

Rebuttals upon rebuttals

I feel like I stirred a hornets nest by what I said in my earlier post . Just to be clear I must say I do not disagree at all with what my daughter said. I understand where she is coming from and agree with her. What this guy said, though erroneous, was none the less what she needed to hear to make her see she had chosen the better thing. ( remember the talking donkey?)
It is so easy to get caught up in doing Christian activities, to be drawn into events with fellow believers and forget what is important; our relationship with Christ and showing that relationship to the lost. We can't very well reach the lost if we are always hanging out with believers. Community within the church is becoming, it seems, more important than reaching out to our community in general. If you ask the average Christian to come to lets say a Creative Memories Party (which, by the say I am having Monday in case I missed getting an invitation to you) 90% will tell you they are too busy. Too busy doing what? Bible Studies, Small Group meetings, preparation for SG Meetings, helping out in the Nursery, cleaning the church building and grounds, planning a baby shower, organizing a retreat, and of course family obligations. All good things every last one. I am just using the party as an example but it could be lots of things. Maybe someone calls to ask one to go out to lunch but doesn't want to say on the phone how heavy her heart is and what she really needs is someone to talk with and pray with? You see how it is? What is being neglected while so many are so very busy? Who is being neglected? This is part of what my daughter struggles against, sees the danger in and wants to avoid. We also tend to neglect our own prayer life and study of the Word when we are so caught up in all those good things we are doing.
I am reminded as I write of the parable of the Wedding Feast; veres 5 especially. They went their own ways, perhaps with important things begging their attention?
Hope this quiets the hornets, blowing smoke works on bees anyway. :)

More Fun With The Flip and Movie Making

Here is my Maria playing with our neighbor and his dog.

False Teaching

I am spurred to thought by my daughter's blog post.
Let me say first of all that I am not arguing with what she wrote; only pointing out some things to come to my mind upon hearing what she said this person was saying.
To spurn all teaching to ensure avoiding false teaching may be an effective way of doing so, but it is also an effective way of missing out on teaching anointed by the Holy Spirit.
First of all we need to look at some of the verses about false teaching. Check this out here. As you check cross references etc you will see that there are signs to look for in a false teacher. Now I ask you, why would we need to look for signs if we were to avoid all who claim to teach? The admonition itself implies that there are genuine teachers that we need to heed. I understand that in those times people did not have the whole of the Word of God. But I also understand that in this day and age there are so many versions of the Bible in existence and so many religions that claim the Bible as their foundation that we are in even greater need of sound Biblical teaching and exposition. Is this to say I agree with the whole of the way churches are run, no. Is this to say I think you are safe to pick up any Bible study you find in a store, online or wherever? Absolutely not! We must be very careful in how we choose what aids to use in Bible Study. Pray, inquire of more mature believers, and try to find out about the teacher; does his life bear witness to what he teaches?
As for attending Bible Studies and other services, I point you to Hebrews 10:25 says We need to meet in some fashion to lift one another up. Part of lifting one another is being taught from the Word of God.
I do agree with the idea that we need to stop depending on someone else to read the Bible for us; we need to be constantly in the Word in order to discern false teaching and also if we expect to hear from God, because this is the main way God speaks to us. However, relationships are imperative to our lives, relationships are God's pattern for us to understand how He wants to interact with us. In our imperfections His perfection is illuminated.
I am cautious of anyone who comes off dogmatic; I grew up with that and have seen the destructive nature of it. God's Word does not tell us to reject all teaching; in fact I find it contradicts that mandate. However, had I not read the Word I would not know this for myself. What I am saying is though this person's heart may be, I have no reason to doubt it is, pure, I can't agree with what I heard he said, and I think in some ways the things he said are a bit dangerous because they lend to thinking of one being an island or of cloistered living and that is not Biblical at all.

On a personal note, please pray for my sister, Lillie and she is undergoing hernia surgery at around 1 ( central time ) this afternoon. The hernia is quite severe and she has a shunt in her back making her a little higher risk as well as having Hepatitis. Thank you for praying.

Arachnophobes Beware

It was suggested I post about the spider we found on our porch last night. I decided to include both of the recent spider finds on our porch. The greenish one has us stumped. Does anyone out there know what in the world this thing is? It seems to have molted out of the thing at the top of it; very odd. I did some research and found something that sounds like it but the pictures don't match up. I hope it is not what I found because that was highly venomous and a bit aggressive. It seemed to us it was on the verge of dying but maybe it was fooling; who knows?
The real big oval one we found is a very docile and non venomous spider but has since died. We have not seen evidence of any of it's offspring though. We were hoping to have it around to catch pests.




So what do you think, are spiders bad, scary, gross, fascinating, terrifying ? I happen to think they are pretty amazing as long as they aren't' crawling on me.

Some things stay the same

I went back to my neurologist today and it was less than encouraging. I told him I was still experiencing quite a bit of pain and numbness in the left hand and arm and an odd tightness around my wrist. First of all he said the damage to the carpal tunnel was probably so severe before surgery that it just can't be fixed. Then of the tightness he said my obesity makes it likely that I would experience tightness because it causes more pulling of the tissues. Of course, my warped mind heard well it's no wonder you feel tightness the wonder is you don't feel on both sides since you're so fat!
Sigh, I know that is not what he said, I keep telling myself this over and over again.
He gave me a prescription for physical therapy saying it may help, and said to come back to him when I am done with it.
The good news here is I didn't come home and cry my eyes out and wallow in misery the rest of the day. Praise God; He has brought me at least that far!
I go to my family MD tomorrow so perhaps that will be more encouraging since he will be happy about my weight.

Oh yes, by the way, I forgot in my last post to thank someone for the nudge; thanks and sorry it took longer than I said it would!

Showing my age?

I was looking at a box of tissues on the coffee table this morning and it has a picture of herbs and says Parsley Sage Rosemary. I said where's Thyme? My daughter got that look of her face. You know the one; it says" now what are you rambling about?"
I said, you know (singing) " Parsley sage rosemary and thyme." This elicited another look such as one would give someone who just dropped down out of the sky at their feet.
Sigh, is it really so amazing that my 20 something daughter has never heard of Simon and Garfunkel? Am I really that old? :(
I guess I am.

AM Television Makes Me....

so freaking mad sometimes! I usually don't watch AM TV and this is why; I always see ( hear) something that just ticks me off. Today I somehow ended up stumbling across the Rachel Ray show. Today's topic was centered around the gal who played the wife on King of Queens, a sitcom a few years ago Leah Remini. I will leave you a link in a little bit. First I have to tell you what I think. The deal is this woman and her husband have a beautiful and intelligent 3 and half year old daughter that still takes a bottle, sleeps with them and keeps them up all night giving her first, milk, then another 4-6 bottles of water, and change her diapers. Yes diapers, that they need to keep their bed dry from all the liquid this kid is consuming. The excuse offered for this state of affairs is that they cannot stand to say no to her, it hurts Leah's heart to hear her baby cry. OH MY STARS! What does she think being a parent is all about?
I know people who have had just this sort of upbringing; their parents loved them into useless, lazy, manipulative people. I italicize loved because this is not real love people! It is not a healthy love. A parent has to love a child enough to say no, to see them hurt a little now to save them huge hurts later on. They have to love them enough to realize that they saying yes to them all the time will bring them nothing but misery when they get out into the world and realize not everyone will give them everything they want. Get real Leah! Love hurts! Love takes sacrifice, guts and determination.
I cannot begin to address every issue brought up in the show, see it for yourself and let me know what you think.
One thing that gets me is she talks about all the advice she has rejected and brings up that some have told her the child is manipulating her and Leah is like " Manipulating me to do what love her?" I practically yelled at the television.
"Manipulating you to get what she wants, cultivating a very unpleasant trait that if not dealt with now will follow her into adulthood and make her unable to have healthy relationships. If this is what you want for her, by all means give her a bottle until she graduates high school! Most people want to see their child learn more intelligent ways of getting their needs met, and try to teach children they don't always get what they want.
Why don't people understand the job of a parent is not to be liked, not to give all a child's mind can conceive of wanting, or be best buddies.
My daughter has heard this all of her life; the job of a parent is to raise up productive members of society. For Christians it is try to raise godly productive member of society.
OK I'm done, thanks for the use of the soapbox

More Fun With Produce

I think this borders on obsession now, my prowl for odd and interesting produce. Here are some of my most recent finds. Sorry for the poor quality of the blueberry video. Poor lighting choice on my part. I didn't look at it before I uploaded it; oops!
The cucumber reminds of one of those skinny balloons that isn't inflated all the way. And to think the gardner was going to throw it away! Tsk tsk!

Got me thinking

I read a blog post yesterday that got me to thinking.
I do have several difficult people in my life and I either tend to vent about them or hide. One of the difficult people in my life is a brother who abused me as a child and now seeks reconciliation. This is one I am really hiding from. I pray about it some, then tuck it away in closet until later, which turns into months later. Then something reminds me and I pray about it a little and on and on.
I want to forgive, know I am supposed to forgive as Christ forgave me, but whew, I don't know what that looks like. I know this isn't exactly the type of person Beth Moore was talking about but still it applies, and I am convicted again to pray and NOT put it in the closet but keep praying.

What I Should Have Said

You never know when your words may come back to haunt you. Had I known when I wrote a note to my daughter it would end up published I may have waxed more eloquent or chosen my words more carefully. If only I could be so wise, as to edit myself before I begin whether writing or speaking! But alas I often find instead I must explain further or remove foot, and most often apologize.
The note came about because of some recent discussions we have had about her feeling that she is not good wife material because she lacks what she feels is the appropriate drive to keep the house clean etc. I have been mulling it over ever since and while she was taking a nap all these things I wanted to say to her were going through my mind. Rather than hoping I would be able to string them all together again at a time when we were actually able to sit and talk again, I got some paper and wrote.
I love my daughter more than I could ever adequately express with the limitations of words and emotions. To say she is a treasure beyond price is the best I can come up with right now. She is the very best of me and her father and so much more. My heart breaks for her daily, yet sings for joy as well for the privilege of being her mother.
Had I given myself more time to write the note I would have added so much more, I would have reminded her of the some of the stories we have heard women tell on themselves in a group we were in. The ladies who never allow anyone to turn of the ceiling fans because they don't ever clean them, or the ones who didn't know how to cook anything that didn't come in a box, one who leaves her vacuum cleaner out all of the time and tells people who come over she was just vacuuming to cover for the mess the house is in; all of them married, some of them ones many look up to. But as I often do, I fixate on the flaws instead of building up and I don't tell her how proud I am of her for the really hard and wise choices she has been making in her personal life lately, I don't tell her I know she is harder than before to eat better. I don't tell her that I it is only because I want the very best for her that I said anything at all and I think she is wonderful no matter what. I should have said above all else I love her and nothing could ever make me stop loving her, nothing could make me ashamed of her, and if she got married today her husband would be able to proclaim he has found a priceless jewel.

The Blessedness of Answered Prayer

I read Psalm 30 this morning and it blessed me; hope it blesses you too.
Thank You God, for Your Word, for reminding me of Your faithfulness.

GI Diet Week 14

Sometimes it feels like I'm spitting in the ocean but I guess I am making more progress than that.

Another Day

Today is a little bit of a better day. Not so down, but pain is up some today; probably due to rain surrounding us.
I thank God for my daughter, who is to credit for praying and talking me out of the doldrums. She is so much more than I could ever have imagined fruit of my womb being. God has given her such wisdom and compassion. Thank You God, for her and for Your faithfulness to us.
Thank all of you for praying too.

The Dumps Would Be A Step Up

Having a bummer of a day. No reason; just one of those days that nothing is turning out the way I expected. I was going to take my son to a doctor appointment but it was cancelled, so my motivation for leaving the house, which was hanging by a thread anyway, just went totally away. Then I find out that something I was really looking forward to is not going to happen. No big deal, really but I get my hopes up about little things and then when they don't happen get disappointed like it was a big thing. I don't hope for big things, to my mind ( warped by deep depression mind you) hope is not something for me. I learned early in life that to hope was to hurt, yet I still can't stop hoping altogether I guess it is true that one needs hope to live. So I pin hope on silly things and then when they don't work out I am crushed.

Thanks for letting me dump on you bloggy folks,

Addiction hurts

I post today with a heavy heart. I just found out that my sister, who got out of jail on the day before I had my second carpal tunnel surgery, is using drugs again.
We had hoped and prayed that she would stay away from them; but alas, she has chosen to feed her addiction rather than fight it. I know it is hard, but I know her and I know she is strong and if she really wanted to beat this thing, she could do it. She is one of the strongest people I know, and it makes so angry that she is doing this to herself and to Mom and to her daughter. She has been put in jail three times now, once for fraud and twice for drugs.
I don't mean to be unsympathetic, I do know how hard it is, I watched one of my brothers go through the same thing, with alcohol and drugs, and now he is dead, died before he was 50 of cirrhosis. I know it is hard but I also know sympathy enables. I am so sad for her, for Mom, and B. Mostly Mom because I have seen her disappointed so many times and see how hard her heart is getting because of it. She prays and prays and feels God doesn't listen.
Oh Lord, God, I know Mom is wrong, I know You listen, I know You care. Please drew near to Mom right now and lift her up. Surround her with Your peace oh God, with your comfort and rest. Open her eyes to see Your faithfulness to her, that she will lift praised to Your Name and Worship You for Who You are.
Lord, please keep Your hand on Lillie, bring to her life what she needs in order to break the chains of addiction that bind her so tightly. Whatever it takes Lord, I beg of You, let it be so that she will soon be free and in that freedom renew her relationship with You, to a new and deeper one than she has ever known.
Bring healing Lord, to this family, I pray in Christ's precious Name, AMEN

Perspective

First of all let me apologize for being silent so long. I have just not been feeling very inspired lately. However, that is no excuse, I have this blog to make myself write, so I need to just do it!
I ask a favor of those you who actually check this regularly (bless you!); would you please if you don't see a post for a couple of days running just send a comment saying, "bump" or similar? Maybe that will get me off my behind.

Now to the post title, I found this poem this morning, that I had written over 2 years ago. It made me realize, that in spite of how little progress I think I have made, I have come far enough that I don't feel every day as I did in this poem. In fact I don't feel like that even every week and sometimes not for months. Thank You Lord, for bringing me this far!

Winner Takes All

Darkness swirling
Swirling around,
Ever threatening
To pull me down

Memories hovering on
The edge of my brain,
Elusive shadows I
Cannot contain

Dreams filled with anger
Shouting and distress
Awake filled with dread
Anxious and depressed

Ever fighting
An endless tide
Of pain and frustration
Yet it's fight or die

Endlessly praying
My heart would mend
Wanting so much
The bitterness to end

Trying to focus
On what is good
Because I know
That I should

Desiring each moment
To be free of this pain
Needing so much
A foothold to gain

Climbing, climbing
Ever so slow
I cannot look up
At far I must go

Hanging on with
All of my might
That the winds of change
Won't make me take flight.

Knowing, knowing
That if I fall
The darkness wins
And winner takes all.
CAC 2006