In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

As Promised...finally

I promised over a month ago to tell more about the Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church Women's Retreat.
I always look forward greatly to Beth Moore events; she is a very gifted teacher who has a style I can relate to well. But I have to admit when I saw the Scripture passage she was going to talk on I was a little let down. Proverbs 31- "yeesh my self esteem is already low Beth, I don't need you to tell me I'm failing to be a "Proverbs 31 woman'!"
But then she said she was only going to talk about one verse- 26..
If you recall the video I posted it was related to this quote " WE as women are teachers and we are published authors; twitter, blogs, etc. and we need to let the Holy Spirit be our editor. We need to...
Eat if before we tweet it
Flog is before we blog it and
Face it before we Facebook it."
She then went on to give us 8 tastes of kindness; explaining what kindness is and in some cases what it is not. By the time it was over I was crying like a baby with repentance, relief and refreshment. The most heart wrenching for me was when she said kindness is a Savior and read Ephesians 2:4-10 and asked "Have you lost the wonder? "Oh yes I said oh yes I have". and though I had it back for a few hours, I say again, Oh yes, Lord I have lost the wonder. I have gone from that huddled form crying in a pew and feeling so refreshed a determined back to a burdened soul from whom kindness is very far away.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

" McNugget" Madness and other lessons from Beth Moore

One never knows what one will hear when she attends a Beth Moore event. Today was a Living Proof Simulcast with Beth Moore and I was blessed to be able to attend due to a friends kindness. Kindness it turns out was the theme for today's event. In discussing how we can lose our selves in life's disappointments and frustrations Beth referred to this . I must admit I had never heard about it before so was anxious to see it when I got home. The story is that a woman came through a McDonald's drive thru early in the morning recently and ordered Chicken McNuggets. Of course she was told they are not available until lunch hours start. She was not satisfied and tried several times to get someone to cook her some anyway. When she didn't get her way she became violent. Hearing about it I knew that my behavior of late really wouldn't be much better than that woman's if any. I have had some major hissy fits at my son that send my Dorkie running for cover and cause my German Shepard to hang her head and emlpoy her "what do I do?" face. What did I have these fits about? Nothing more justified than wanting McNuggets at 6am. Oh sure I can try to justify it, just as I am sure this woman did her behavior. After all couldn't they have just cooked some up for her? But I the fact is that she was making it all about her not caring about the rules, not caring about the fact that the woman trying to serve her didn't make the rules; ;only caring that she wasn't getting what she wanted. I have been living my life for me, caring only about me. Living as though miy pain is the pain that should matter, as though my needs are the ones that should be met. Acting as though my loneliness is the only loneliness that hurts this deep. Truth is I need more kindness shown to me in my life, but also the truth the only One Whom I can depend on to show me kindness is My Savior and He has already shown me more kindness than I can wrap my head around by coming as a man and dying on the cross and defeating death and sin so I can be with Him forever.
I will try to write more about the simulcast. It was a wonderful day. I wish I had seen more people there whom I know needed refreshment from God's Word.

Still Here For Now

I am, and have been for some months, profoundly depressed. I don't think I have ever really bounced back from the depression medication changes last year. I had to stop one I was on because it was damaging my liver. But I think I need the component that is in what I was on that damaged my liver is what I need to function better.
The last few months have been worse than ever and I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I don't even have the gumption to reply to emails from my daughter for pity sake! I can't tell you how long it has been since I talked to her on the phone.
I have gained back half of the weight I lost because I don't have any desire to cook and I crave all the stuff I don't need to eat and give in because why shouldn't I? It's not like there's any point in not giving in
Oh ya, my poor son, I treat him like crap most of the time. I am so irritable I yell at him and call him names almost every time he tries to talk to me.
I try to pray but just can't. I want to cry but most of the time can't do that either. I just sit in my chair or lie in bed and the days just melt together into a blur.

New Design, Hope You Like It

Figured I couldn't get away with doing a new design and not posting. That would not have been a cool thing to do; though I did consider it. I think of a lot of things to write when I am not sitting in front of this thing but no sooner than I sit down at the computer my mind just goes to mush. Not that it needs to go far to get there ^.^
I am finally going to get some help with my housework. I signed up for a home health care worker the day I got out the hospital and it just got through the approval process this week. My worker is supposed to start today and should have been here half an hour ago but the office called 10 minutes after she was supposed to be here to say she was running late. I better like her a lot! I don't like people being late.

Happy Birthday To Me (yes I am still alive)

It actually was for once a very happy birthday. For the first time since I don't know when I didn't have a total meltdown about my birthday. At a time in my life when I feel like I am a total waste of space, I had the best birthday I can remember. The only thing that could have been better would have been to get a in person hug from my Sweetpea. But she did call and she and her brother went together on a present and got me season three of Frasier one of my favorite TV shows.
I am sorry for the absence. I have been very sick and coming back from it has been hard. I wound up in the hospital with pneumonia the week before Memorial Day and was in there a week. I still had very involved pneumonia when they released me and still have inflammation in my lungs now. Plus I developed a serious infection in my stomach called C- Dif caused by the large doses of strong antibiotics I was on for the pneumonia. As if I weren't weak enough from the pneumonia, I had diarrhea for almost a month!
I am still quite weak, so I am not getting anything done and it becomes a viscous cycle that easily leads to inertia if one is not careful and I really have not been careful. So pray for me; I have so much to tell but not the energy to put words to page.

My dear sweet daughter has informed me that I let her readers down by not posting a picture. I apologise and will try to remedy that now.

Last week I dog sat for a friend;



Perhaps herd sat would be more appropriate. The black blob at the back that looks like nothing is actually a curled up and laid upon dachshund puppy. I have two, a German Shepard mix not pictured and a Dorkie, and she has three, the bed they are all sacked out on is the German Shepard's bed! You can find more pics of mine in past posts but I will also publish more of them later on.
Sorry for the long absence; again. Thanks for the nudge Sweetpea!

Happy Easter Continued

As Paul Harvey would say; now for the rest of the story. In Mark 16 we read 1When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body. 2Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb 3and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?"

4But when they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. 5As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed.

6"Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. 7But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.' "

8Trembling and bewildered, the women went out and fled from the tomb. They said nothing to anyone, because they were afraid. and in Luke 24 we read 50When he had led them out to the vicinity of Bethany, he lifted up his hands and blessed them. 51While he was blessing them, he left them and was taken up into heaven. 52Then they worshiped him and returned to Jerusalem with great joy. 53And they stayed continually at the temple, praising God.

Without this, Jesus' death makes no difference. Had Jesus not risen from the dead, the job was only half done. The power of sin to leave us separated from God forever, would not have been broken. But, praise God, Jesus did rise from the dead and went back to Heaven and sat down at the right hand of God. Unlike the high priests before Him, Jesus' job was finished; no other sacrifice would ever be needed. The penalty was paid by the blood of God's own Son.
Hallelujah! Jesus Lives!

Happy Easter

Today is the day we commemorate death of, not a man, not a great teacher, nor a prophet but of the Son of God; . Why would the Son of God let Himself be murdered? There are many answers to that question but the only one that is true is this...to be the final sacrifice for sin; to bridge the gap between a Holy God and sinful man.
But today is not the end of Easter, it is only the beginning....
Stay tuned

Sigh, Some Say Inspiring, Some Say?

I found this "> on my daughters blog and for some reason it made me cry like a baby.

Spring Has Sprung; At Least For Today

It is a gorgeous day today, we have a had a few over the last week. It is meteorologic summer according to our weatherman and the weather seems to backing his story. I finally got tired of my knee keeping me cooped up and got out and washed my car and threw a ball for the dogs for a while. I am sure I will pay later but it sure was nice.
I came and in and got online and found this post from The One Year Bible on Facebook; thought it was very interesting if you can stick with the length of it.

Ta ta for now :)

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE; I Have Nothing To Say

I get food stamps, and in the state I live, Family Services requires a reinvestigation of eligibility every 3 months. This in itself I find to be a bit much for those who are also on SSI or SSA disability. They make one sign paperwork on both sides, for federal and for state assistance, saying that you are aware that these agencies share information. So, why not share that there have been no changes in federal benefits, so that paperwork isn't wasted 3 times a year to say what would be easily accessed by checking the computer database that we are warned they have?
Yet this is only the beginning of the inaneness of of governments choices when it comes to handling state assistance programs. What my son and I got in the mail yesterday is a perfect example. We both received letters from Family Services, we opened them to find a letter that with a heading on the first page: ACTION NOTICE It goes on to state that based on the last information reported there is no change in the food stamp benefits that you are receiving.
Now correct me if I am wrong but doesn't a notice of action usually mean an action was taken? Well apparently things work different in government.
Imagine if everything worked with the same smooth efficacy of our government agencies. One would call a auto repair shop to notify them one does not need repairs on ones car, or we would make an appointment our doctor to tell him we are feeling fine. How about your child's teacher calling to arrange a meeting to tell you they have no complaints or concerns about your child, that they are doing fine,average,and acceptable work. The possibilities are staggering, the ways we could waste time and resources just to report there is nothing to report.

Updating my "dern blog already"!

My dear sweet daughter sent me an email with the above imperative, so here I go.
Her suggested motivator was this Given the choice, would you rather sleep in or eat a delicious breakfast? Is there any food you love so much that you'd wake up at dawn or travel a great distance just to eat it?.

Off the top of my head I think I would say I would rather sleep, since I am not really awake enough when I first get up to enjoy a good breakfast. So that answers the first question and really answers part one of the second as well. However food I would travel a great distance for is another story. I would travel great distance for a few foods; really good liver being one of them as well as a nice tender elk steak...my mouth is watering as I type :-)~ I think I might travel awhile to have See's fudge egg, or my mother's cream filled long johns. ( that would be a real long trip she is hopefully, in Heaven). These are things I can think of off the top of my head, given time I could have a much larger list but I won't take the time since I would probably end up craving something on the list so bad I blow my diet again. Since I am having a hard time taking off the weight I gained over the holidays, I will pass on taking that detour.

Killing Our Children

I did not realize that Thursday the 21st of January; was an anniversary. I very sad 36th anniversary of the passing of Roe v Wade. Jon Piper is very eloquent in

Windy Monday Ramblings

We had a nice break from the harsh cold for a couple of weeks but today are reminded it is a winter predicted to be very cold. The wind chill is 27 degrees the real temp being just under 10 degrees warmer than that. Much better, I realize than a lot of places but still about 15 degrees below our average for January.
I am sitting here waiting for my hair to dry enough to go outside. (I prefer not to use a blow dryer in the winter if I can help it; as it drys my hair out. I actually prefer to use one sparingly anyway as it is not supposed to be real good for ones' hair at all.) It occurred to me that since I am waiting for my hair to dry I could write a blog post, major revelation no? I don't know I don't write more, it's not like I don't have anything to say. I just can't seem to get up the gumption to actually try to organize what I have to say into something readable.
The mantra A writer writes every day flows through my mind frequently and is a source of self recrimination for me. I actually will correct people who call me a writer because I don't write every day. I accede to being called a poet; though feel that is not really right either; for I cannot recite to you anything I have written; nor can I recite the works of others.
I guess I fear if I have the label then I must accept that I have squandered a beautiful gift; more guilt is not something I need.

Diet Disaster

I have been silent a long time, I know. I think it is because I feel ashamed. You see, I am afraid I have let myself and everyone else down by "falling off the wagon". As faithful readers know,my daughter, whom I am very close to and who lived with me , moved out in August and then moved over 900 miles away to get married in October. Her moving out began a downhill slide that I am still climbing up from. I was depressed so didn't have the energy to fix meals, so I was eating the right foods the wrong way; larger portions of protein because I didn't fix a salad, etc. Then a couple of weeks before Christmas I was asked to make candies to help out a friend who was selling Christmas goodies and got in over her head. That did it; making those things and not being able to eat them got to me and I dove head first into the forbidden.
After the New Year, I halted my consumption of all things forbidden but still am struggling with eating in balance. I am sorry to say I have gained 15 pounds during this awful time. I am working on a fresh start but it is amazing how quickly old habits come back.