My heart and mind are a jumbled mass of emotions. I am awash in sadness that has me weighted down as surely as though I had boulders attached to my heart. Some of this sadness in explicable, some is not. Yet amidst all this, I am so filled with gratitude for the provision of my God through His people that I cannot put it in to words.
Denial aside finally, I have had to face the fact that I am depressed. Food has lost it's flavor, yet I crave it, sleep eludes me until I am exhausted then I cannot wake up. I cry about things I don't want to, yet can't cry about other things. I have the energy of a rock and about the same amount of empathy for others. The lies I have been telling myself are that "this is the real me". "That the other person people see is me pretending"; this is the lie I told my therapist last week. Thank God, he knows better and the words he spoke to me are beginning to penetrate my darkened heart. He reiterated the gospel to me, which at first made no sense. Surely he was not listening to me! I wasn't saying I had felt I had sin that couldn't be forgiven; I was saying I am worthless! I make no contribution to society, in fact I am a drain upon it. But he was having none of that. "Who decides worth?", he asked. "Is not the heart of the gospel that none of us are worthy?"
Since then this Truth has been working it's way into my heart; I cannot say it has gotten there yet, but it is getting there.
In the midst of all this, my daughter is in severe crisis and I am not able to be what she needs, crippled as I am at this time. I do not want to tell her business, as I have been guilty of before. I can only say her planned future is being met with tremendous obstacles and opposition.
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