Ten Days Of Gratitude Day 9

Today I am grateful for my daughter.

My daughter, Danielle was not planned; I've been told one should not tell her child she was an accident but I don't agree. When I think of how I felt about my daughter at first I think of the word serendipity; it means happy accident. My daughter was definitely serendipity. Danielle was not an easy baby. She was always crying, no matter what I did, she was rarely not crying. The only times she was not crying was when she was sleeping, eating, or if I was carrying her and walking around with her. If I sat down, she would cry, if I put her in her crib, she cried...you get the picture.She began talking when she was 4 months old and has been full steam head since. She could talk the stripe off a skunk! When she started walking she was a terror; she stole food from the pantry and "cooked" in her brother's closet. She began dressing herself before she was 3 and would not let me help her at all, even when she one day tried wearing a blouse as a pair of pants. There were many times I thought she would not survive her childhood. She was defiant beyond reason and her pre-teen years had me pulling my hair out. I spent my time being ridiculously frustrated with her and being in awe of her. Her intelligence and creativity astounded me daily. Then suddenly all that was over this amazing thing happened; she became human! She was helpful and gracious. Her wit and wisdom have always been ahead of her time yet she maintains an innocence that is refreshing even now. This creature that was once my nemesis was now my ally and we became very close. She grew into a beautiful woman that is now my best friend. There are not words enough to enumerate all Danielle has done to help me above and beyond the call of family duty. Would I to try to write even half one would grow tired of ready the many pages. It is because of her that I now have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Her quest for truth led to me finding Him too. Everyone who meets her, finds her kind, engaging, and wise and I am blessed beyond description to have her a part of my life. Danielle is my treasure, my one and only daughter, my sister in Christ and my friend. I love you Sweetpea!

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

Muddled And Jumbled

My heart and mind are a jumbled mass of emotions. I am awash in sadness that has me weighted down as surely as though I had boulders attached to my heart. Some of this sadness in explicable, some is not. Yet amidst all this, I am so filled with gratitude for the provision of my God through His people that I cannot put it in to words.
Denial aside finally, I have had to face the fact that I am depressed. Food has lost it's flavor, yet I crave it, sleep eludes me until I am exhausted then I cannot wake up. I cry about things I don't want to, yet can't cry about other things. I have the energy of a rock and about the same amount of empathy for others. The lies I have been telling myself are that "this is the real me". "That the other person people see is me pretending"; this is the lie I told my therapist last week. Thank God, he knows better and the words he spoke to me are beginning to penetrate my darkened heart. He reiterated the gospel to me, which at first made no sense. Surely he was not listening to me! I wasn't saying I had felt I had sin that couldn't be forgiven; I was saying I am worthless! I make no contribution to society, in fact I am a drain upon it. But he was having none of that. "Who decides worth?", he asked. "Is not the heart of the gospel that none of us are worthy?"
Since then this Truth has been working it's way into my heart; I cannot say it has gotten there yet, but it is getting there.
In the midst of all this, my daughter is in severe crisis and I am not able to be what she needs, crippled as I am at this time. I do not want to tell her business, as I have been guilty of before. I can only say her planned future is being met with tremendous obstacles and opposition.

They Call Him Taishi

Bet you can't guess where I am right now? I am roughly 500 miles from home is a place called Suwanee,Georgia. Now you may be asking why am I so far from home? Well it is a very long story but I will begin to tell you here, but you must promise that you won't judge until you have read the whole story which may take a few posts. Just be patient, OK?

Sigh,it all started roughly 5 years ago. My daughter had started an online journal to keep up with her, then, best friend that she had met in 5th grade and and had to leave when we moved at the end of 6th grade.
I made sure she was careful about it; at the time we didn't have a home computer so she had to go to the library to update. When she was 19 she got an apartment of her own with her new best friend and had moved her journal over to a section for Christians. Not long after this guy from Georgia left a comment on one of her posts and they began to talk back and forth through email. He called himself Taishi, but his name is Joshua, and within a few weeks they exchanged phone numbers.
Things went on like this for a few months and then things began to change. They started to argue a lot; he was getting away from Christ and questioning his beliefs and starting to party and do drugs and stuff. Eventually she and him stopped talking at all because he said some really hurtful things to her and she was grieved by that and his unwillingness to give up his lifestyle.
I think it was over a year that they didn't talk then somehow the lines of communication were opened back up. I am not sure who initiated it but she had grown a lot in her faith and maturity and was now able to handle things better and he was learning that he didn't have all the answers as well. At this point we are probably over 3 years into the relationship.
Things went along kind of up and down for about a year of more, her trying to gently nudge him away from his lifestyle, arguments ensuing and apologies and so on.Then her got arrested. Not only was he caught with drugs, but with enough to get charged with posession with intent to distribute, a felony. Waiting for his court day was a nightmare for him and I believe this is what turned him back to Christ. He was really scared he would have to go to prison and very well could have. On his court date he pleaded no contest and got probation, I am not sure how long in total but he got over 6 months of extremely strict probation, he has to be in his house by 7pm!
More later. Remember, don't judge.

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