And Forever You Shall Be Known As

I went to a doctor recently to have a plantar wart removed. This was not my first one; though the last one was over 10 years ago. The same doctor saw me today but not in his office because his office doesn't lower itself to take my "insurance". I digress; the doctor came in and since I hadn't seen him for years and had not record at this facility; he asked me if I have any health problems. I said yes and sighed heavily which prompted him to look at the information sent over by my doctor. Now I don't like to dwell on all my health issues but in order to make my point I must list them. I have osteoarthritis in both knees as well as my toes and ankles, spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia syndrome, major depression, COPD, sleep apnea, and diabetes. I also have an over active bladder and a history of ulcers. The doctor looks at the information my family doctor sent over and looked up and said " so mainly diabetes?" Yes I have been diagnosed as a diabetic. Do you know why I am? I am diagnosed as diabetic because one time; yes one time, my A1C was a whopping 6.3! I take no medication for it and subsequent tests have come in the 5 range. But because my AIC was over 6 one time I will forever be labeled diabetic. Now, you may wonder why this bothers me so much. It bothers me for the same reason I hated to list my depression medicine on my paperwork when seeing a new doctor before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Doctors looked at my weight, and the medication was on for depression and assumed my pain was a result of my depression. I abhor assumptions! I want a doctor to look beyond the surface and deal with my body as a whole; is that too much to ask? Just sayin' ya know? Grace and peace CAC

Ferguson Missouri; My Humble Opinion And Prayer

I live about 130 miles south of Ferguson so I offer this disclaimer; I am not in the middle of this only watching from afar. I also want to point out to anyone who may happen upon this that I am white and don't know first hand what it is like to be black. I talked to someone who has a tumbler account recently and she said everything she is seeing regarding Ferguson makes it sound like the police are bullying a bunch of peaceful protesters. Though there has been a lot of overreaction on the part of the police in the area; that is not he whole story. What happened to Michael Brown was wrong, awful, and possibly criminal. I would like to know how taking to the streets and burning down small businesses that individuals not involved in what happened is an appropriate response. How does all of this violence do anything to bring peace and comfort to Michael's family? Michael's mother has called for calm from the very beginning of this and if she can be patient and wait for an investigation; why then can't everyone? Many of those protesting don't even live in Ferguson; making crowds even harder for the police to handle. I get solidarity, I do. What I don't get is what looting and violence do to further solidarity. Surely there are other things we could be doing to speak to the injustice we see and feel. Prayer services and/ or letter writing campaigns come to mind. Yes, racism and discrimination exists and it is wrong. But I can't think of one example from history that the kind of behavior we are seeing in Ferguson right now has brought about positive change. Malcolm X abandoned his violent stance as did Nelson Mandela. Martin Luther King never approved of this kind of behavior and though he was murdered his family has carried on with that message because it is still a valid message. We cannot respond to ugliness with more ugliness. Peace begins in the heart of the individual who says " I will rise above the darkness, not become a part of it". There is so much that can be said on this topic, so much is wrong with what is happening right now. I urge all to withhold judgment until more is known. I do believe an independent investigation is a good idea so that the results will be believed by everyone. I found this video; he says things I think only a black man can say on the subject. Pardon the swearing here In closing I pray for peace and justice in Ferguson MO. I pray the truth will come out quickly and that somehow we will learn from this madness and tragedy. Grace and peace CAC

Germs And Bugs; Oh My!

The big news story lately is Ebola and I have a few things on my mind about it. I am seeing a lot of postings on Facebook and the like that say people are worried. It is being said that the media is not telling us the whole truth and so on. Here's the deal folks, if you are depending solely on the media to inform you of anything; shame on you! Most people have at our disposal a plethora of information via the internet. We also have books, you know those things with pages between a cover that may or may not have a picture on them? Inform yourself; and take reasonable precautions. Panic and rumor mongering do no one any good and usually do harm. Worry is pointless and sinful. Our hope, as Christians is in God as well as should be our trust. As I indicated above; we need to use the brains God gave us and be rational folks. Ebola has been in the country for a long time; in labs being studied so that treatments can be developed. Yes, it is a new strain and we can't predict how much it has mutated at this point but we must; again I say not panic. A bit of aside here is that I am appalled at the lack of knowledge people have about the necessity for basic hygiene. I was in a public restroom a few days ago and a young woman was leaving a stall as I was washing my hands and went directly out the door. I wanted to run after her and yell at her; DON'T YOU WASH YOUR HANDS AFTER YOU USE THE BATHROOOM! (By the way, she was quite able bodied and come out of the handicapped stall and I with my cane had to use the narrow stall.) I also can't believe the number of people I see coughing and sneezing into their hands! Come on people! Cough or sneeze into your elbow; I taught my kids this when I they were toddlers and I know it was taught at school too. I have auto immune disease and when I leave the house I get sick about half of the time. Some stores have sanitizing wipes for one to wipe down cart handles with but not all of them do. I wonder how much urine and other unimaginable things do we touch every time we grab a shopping cart? Now think about how easily something like Ebola could take hold just because we don't think! Back to my main point. What are we to so in this time of uncertainty? Panic? No, but spread the word about hygiene, practice it yourself and pray. Pray for your own protection but more important pray for those in charge of studying this problem and for those in other countries who are in the throws of this epidemic and seeing loved ones and friends falling dead all around them. Pray for wisdom for the leaders of other countries as well as the leaders our country. There is so much going on in the world that is troubling and downright frightening. Yet we are not powerless and without hope. We have the very power that raised Christ from the dead within us! Maybe we should start acting like it. I know I need to! My intention is not to beat up on or offend anyone. I am just sharing my thoughts. Love one another and pray. I close with this Matthew 6:25-34 Grace and peace CAC

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

As Promised...finally

I promised over a month ago to tell more about the Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church Women's Retreat.
I always look forward greatly to Beth Moore events; she is a very gifted teacher who has a style I can relate to well. But I have to admit when I saw the Scripture passage she was going to talk on I was a little let down. Proverbs 31- "yeesh my self esteem is already low Beth, I don't need you to tell me I'm failing to be a "Proverbs 31 woman'!"
But then she said she was only going to talk about one verse- 26..
If you recall the video I posted it was related to this quote " WE as women are teachers and we are published authors; twitter, blogs, etc. and we need to let the Holy Spirit be our editor. We need to...
Eat if before we tweet it
Flog is before we blog it and
Face it before we Facebook it."
She then went on to give us 8 tastes of kindness; explaining what kindness is and in some cases what it is not. By the time it was over I was crying like a baby with repentance, relief and refreshment. The most heart wrenching for me was when she said kindness is a Savior and read Ephesians 2:4-10 and asked "Have you lost the wonder? "Oh yes I said oh yes I have". and though I had it back for a few hours, I say again, Oh yes, Lord I have lost the wonder. I have gone from that huddled form crying in a pew and feeling so refreshed a determined back to a burdened soul from whom kindness is very far away.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

Pre-Wedding Woes and Worries

Sigh, still decompressing a week later, from a grueling couple of days driving to and from Georgia to take my daughter to give her in marriage and then come home. The trip started out on a sour note when my car that had run fine began to act up and eventually die after I took it to the shop to have it checked out for the trip. I took it in Tuesday, asked them to change the oil, winterize and give it good looking over as I was planning long trip Thursday. From where we live to her new home is almost 500 miles. So they did as I asked, pronounced it fit for travel and I went on my way. Thursday morning I went to babysit for our Ladies Bible Study at my church and when I got ready to come home the check engine light came on. I took in back to the shop and they said it was probably just a mis-read and reset it; if it were to come back on bring it back. So I left, went to meet my daughter to run some errands with her. We drove the car she was borrowing and when we finished I got in my car and head home and the light came back on. I drove it to the shop; by now it was 4pm and we were supposed to leave at 7pm. They looked it over and said it needed a complete tune-up. So my daughter shelled out over $260 to get that done and we paid them and left to have dinner with the people she had been staying with and told them we would pick up the car after as they would be closed when we got back. So we went to dinner, came back followed by our dinner companions as Danielle had their other car. Went to start the car and it didn't want to start. Finally got it to run, ran a little rough on the way home but started right back up when we stopped it at home and restarted it. Packed up the trunk and animals and got ready to go, turned the key and nothing...
Called the shop number no answer, no machine, nothing. So I called our wonderful friend Jerry, who was the one who got me the car and he and his wife brought over their car for us to take.
Once we got on the road things went as smoothly as one can expect when traveling with a cat and dog and three women. We had to stop several times to clean up the cat and his carrier; good reminder for Danielle that she may not want a baby right away. Her cat is a house cat and had no idea what to do outside except breathe the fresh air. She cleaned up the messes without complaint though; a real trooper my girl.
It rained the entire way there; sometimes quite hard but most of the time just steady downpour. I drove all the way there since my mom can't drive well and my dear sweet daughter ended up sleeping almost all the way there. She had told me she would drive part of the way, but she exhausted herself so thoroughly before the trip she just wasn't up for it. I didn't mind; sitting in the car would have been harder on me than doing the driving; at least not any easier.
We got to our destination almost an hour before we were expected to arrive; got out and stretched our legs and found our way to where we would leave Danielle so she and her fiance could get all their last minute stuff done before the wedding. My mom and I then went on to get some breakfast and find a motel so we could get some rest.
Prior to our leaving I was told by Danielle that my mom had asked to go with us and said if she could go she would pay for the motel. So this is what I expected would be the case. However, while we were eating breakfast the check came and my mom picked it up and said she would pay for it since I was paying for the motel. I was stunned; still am but didn't, don't know what to say. Thankfully that day was payday for me so I had the funds in my bank account but it was my entire budget for the month for personal money; food I can't get with my food stamps, medicines, etc.
It also ended up that I had to pay for gas to get home as well though I am not sure why that happened except that I did not have the for-site to talk to Danielle about that before the wedding and she didn't have any money on her then.
So there you have the tone of the trip, stress and more stress and God's grace was present and needed through it all. I will write about the wedding in another post.
Once home my dear rescuer Jerry, got the car to the shop and they discovered the intake manifold, made of plastic, had cracked. I don't know if they admitted any fault in that or not; all I know is my car is back and running fine now and I didn't get a bill for it. Thank You God for Jerry and Peg and all Your provision.

Homeostasis no more

This can be a good thing in our bodies; it is what keeps things running as they should. But God keeps tapping me on the head with this theme of accepting change. It is not something I do well, to say the least. None of us, I suppose really like change. Few relish the thought of it, yet some of us hold on for dear life even the things in our lives that our destructive, rather than embrace the change necessary to make things better. This response to change is what God is bringing me out of, yes kicking and screaming a bit, but I am getting there.
Emergence from the PIT was for me the hardest change I have ever endured. It is the hardest change still. One may think a person would emerge from the mire happy to be out, but not I. I was terrified. This life out of the pit was unfamiliar and scary. This vast expanse of space was strange and not at all comforting or warm. No, this freedom was not my home and I was not at all sure I wanted it to be. Much better, I reasoned to stay close to the edge just in case I needed to dive for cover or something. So I lived this way for many many years. Hanging close to the edge of the pit, loathing it but loving it. Desiring to be free from it but afraid to be to far from it's edge. Slipping back in when things life threw something at me I didn't want to face. Hating myself for falling back in, sighing at the snug fit and familiar air.
Change is hard, but I am learning that I can face it on the outside of the Pit and if I face it with God. Change is necessary for growth and I finally feel like I am reaching for the sun, rather than storing hunkering down and waiting for the storm. I cannot say I embrace change, but I can say I embrace Jesus, and I am ready to go where He takes me; even if it is out of the boat and onto dark choppy waters.

Tears And A Tender Heart

I am brought ridiculously easy to tears these last few days and in way I feel like I know who I am again. Since I spent over the first half of my life depressed and untreated for it I had always been one to cry "at the drop of a hat". It really hasn't been until the last few years that medication has eased the flow of those tears. When I was a teenager and pretending to be a Christian, so many people remarked at my tears, that I have a tender heart. It is only in recent years I have come to know that in fact I do not have a tender heart apart from Christ; that on my own I am hard hearted and without compassion. All those tears were psychological pain overflowing and brain chemistry misfiring.
Now, this week I am in the throws of depression medication withdrawal and once again the tears flow and I must remind myself of what is real. I must look into my heart and know it is deceitful above all things and that if the tears are coming because I am tired or saw a sad commercial, it doesn't mean I am so compassionate, or overwhelmed. It simply means my brain chemistry is out of whack. To know who I am I must not rely on how I feel, but who God says I am in His Word. I am more than a conquer in Christ Jesus, I can rise above this trial through His power. I am chosen by before the foundation of the world by Jesus. My name is written in the palm of God's hand.
Thank you God that reality is found in Christ! (Colossians 2:17NIV)

Beating Around The Bush

I wonder why all desire to communicate must be met with the assumption that there is a point. Isn't it possible that one just desires to connect? Isn't is OK to just feel like hearing how someone's day went? Can't I just need to talk without having something to say?

I am in a fragile state of mind today. Once again I am facing changes in my medication and the effects are not something I would wish on my ex-husband (worst enemy). I did as my therapist advised this time and tried to let people know to gain some sort of support. Good news is requests for prayer have been met with faithfulness from my sisters and brothers in Christ and God. This time I have not become suicidal and out of control. Not so good news is I still don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to, and my most recent attempt was a miserable failure. I am trying to keep from saying I am a failure, trying not to feel I am. I just don't know how to receive help.

If this makes no sense I apologize. Just chalk it up to my muddled mind and pray that I can lean on Jesus right now and maybe I can make more sense later.