Here's To You Lonely Blog Follower

I gather from an email that was sent to me with writing suggestions that someone misses my writing. I do apologize for the lengthy absence. I really am having trouble with the whole motivation to write thing. It seems often the motivation strikes and the computer is not available and then it's gone. Yes, it is a flimsy excuse since all I need do is ask to use the computer but oh well: there it is.

Big sigh and onward.

I have a lot on my mind lately regarding my father.
In order to understand how all of this transpired one must first somewhat understand the dynamic of my family. My father is married to a woman who is only about 5 years older than me; wife number 4. She has done some things that, well just say if I were Santa Claus she would be on the naughty list for life. My brothers and I do not have a working relationship for some bad things in my past. I don't want to go into detail just trust me when I say it is not petty. Okay, so here we go. I found out by reading a comment one of my brothers had posted on Facebook that some thing was wrong with my dad. I called to find out that he had been taken to a hospital ER due to having passed out. When I called his wife didn't say much just what that he had passed out on the kitchen floor. She then handed the phone to my dad and he said a doctor had not been in to see him yet. I thought I would get a call back when information was available. I was wrong. I did not hear back and when I called back I was told he has a blockage in his neck. I was not told how much of a blockage is was but told that he would have surgery the following day which was a Sunday. I got home from church and checked my phone; no one had called. I thought maybe they got a late start on the surgery so I waited a few more hours. No one called so I called again only to find out the surgery had been postponed. On Monday the same brother posted on Facebook that he was wanting prayer for my dad adding that he had 90% blockage in his neck. The routine was the same Monday; no one called me. I called and talked to my dad again and he told me the blockage had been removed and he was waiting to find out when he could go home. (My dad hates hospitals more than most people) Something about the way he was talking made me realize he wasn't really clear on what was done to him so I called the nurses station and asked for information. I was told he had had a heart capacity test and no stent was put in or anything done with his neck. By then I was ready to scream and throw things in frustration! Here I am stuck hundreds of miles away with no one to get any real information from!

I continued to call every day, sometimes twice a day to try to find out what was going on. He continued to believe that he would be released any time. When I called Tuesday he said the doctor had not come back in to see him at all on Monday and he was fed up and wanted to go home and have his church pray for him. Sure enough, when I called back later that day he was home.

God has been dealing with me about trusting Him and I have to say this one has been a whopper of a trial in that regard. I know God can heal my dad miraculously and completely without the help of modern medicine. But I also know all wisdom comes from him and doctors are gifted by Him. Yet I can't make my dad choose to let doctors do what they want to do and I can't intervene. Okay God, here I am trusting You that You have all this in Your Mighty hands and if You choose to take my dad home to You I will have to be okay with that. I want to see him again before that happens but I know I will see him again in any case.

The Commercialization Of Church-Money Changers In The Temple?

Please hear me when I say that I am not trying to sow dissention among believers by anything that I write. I am writing my thoughts and opinions as of this moment which may change as God gives me knowledge or conviction on them.

It has been on my mind for a while now what I see happening over and over again with churches. I see several in my community and many more nationwide that seem to missing the point. I say seem to because I don't go to all of them. However God's Word says we will know by their fruit and the fruit I am seeing is not pleasant to eye or good for food as it were.

One thing I see a lot are electronic signs going up at churches. I know we live in the age of information and we want to give people what they crave by putting everything we have available on a sign. I get it, I really do. But I don't like it. I don't like it one little bit. When I see electronic signs at a church it just doesn't feel right. I seems more like a business. Of course that is what a lot of churches have become; businesses. Many are incorporated; like a business and it makes me think of Jesus throwing the money changers out of the temple.

*sigh* And then there are the coffee bars and bookstores inside some churches. Hey I love me some coffee and I am all for having a fellowship time around coffee before church. I am not for selling the coffee. Again, I get the idea behind it; serve up some lattes and make sure people actually get to the service on time because they didn't have to stop at a Starbucks or some such place before church. I get wanting to be relevant and all that. Maybe the price of the coffee only covers the cost of making it; I don't know. I have never attended a church that has a coffee bar in it. I have only seen one when attending a concert at a church and the coffee bar was not open at the time. Still it seems to me to be a slipper slope. Just what lengths will churches go to in order to be trendy? Will we put circus performers in the lobbies? Will we have Ice Bucket challenges in masse in the church parking lot?

I hear the argument for these things to be that we are called to outreach the get them hooked then reel them in
thinking. But aren't Jesus and the Apostles our examples of outreach? Did they go into a town and put on a show? No, they came proclaiming the Gospel. Yes, Jesus and the Apostles performed miracles but never in a showman way of doing it. In fact Jesus often withdrew from the crowds after performing a miracle. Look at your Bible in the Gospels and see if I am not right. When we worry more about how many people we have in church than sharing the Gospel in church I believe we have missed the point.

Just when did the Gospel, the fact that God's Son left Heaven, became a little baby, grew into a man without sin and allowed Himself to be murdered, rose from the dead and ascended back into Heaven so that anyone who believes on Him would be free of the curse of sin and live with God forever; when did this Gospel become boring? When did the Gospel become irrelevant? When did the Gospel start coming in second to programs and hooks?

I am often asked if I watch this preacher or that preacher on television. Most people are shocked that I do not. I don't because many of them are more about hawking their special study Bible, or their book, etc. than preaching the Word of God. Many spend more time asking, nay pleading for money than they do helping one understand more of what the Bible says and how to apply it to our lives. Many live in mansions and drive expensive cars while widows and orphans go without to support their ministry
. Many speak at churches that are filled to the brim with people in expensive suits and designer dresses and shoes who would turn away a homeless person outside the church but give faithfully to support the ministry. ( I have nothing against wealthy Christians per say just those who are hearers of the Word and not doers of the Word who put themselves on pedestals claiming God has blessed them) No, don't watch most preachers on television. I hear and see on Facebook people quoting some TV preacher or other and I just shake my head. When did we decide we would rather follow men who talk well instead of Jesus?

These are things I ponder when I see those electronic church signs. And I pray, I pray that what people find inside that church isn't as flashy as the sign; but more glorious than a million blinking lights- the truth from God's Word.

Getting tired here folks; hope I didn't ramble too much.

Grace and peace CAC

The Story Begins

The Body of Believers I worship with is beginning an exciting endeavor starting tomorrow. We are going to read through the Bible in the format of

The Story

.



Tomorrow we start as a congregation reading through this; Sunday morning services and small groups will study what we read each week. Services start at 10:30 am on Sunday and small groups will be held on Sunday evenings at 6pm, and Tuesday through Thursday evenings at 7pm. Wednesday evenings will have programs for children and youth as well. There is an exception for the Sunday group this week as there is a conflicting program. They will meet on Monday at 7 this week only. As you can see there are many choices for attending a small group. I am looking forward to and hope that we will have some new folks joining us as we do this. We are located on Bloomfield Road just across from Cape LaCroix apartments.

In closing I want to share something our pastor sent in an email this week.


"If you simply judge books by their covers, you might pass this book by. Its title is Ozark Childhood: Stories from a Simpler Time and Place. There are a few faces on the front that are surely unfamiliar to you and an author whose name you would not recognize. On the back cover is a picture of the author who, with his white beard, might remind you of Santa Claus. And maybe he is. You see, this book of mine is a valued gift. I was hooked as soon as I started reading the 'Acknowledgements' page. (Don’t laugh. Some people read the obituaries in newspapers; I read the Acknowledgement pages in books.) I was hooked when I saw the names of people dear to me. Raymond and Gladys Elkins—my deceased grandparents. Betty Elkins Brown—my mother. Bill Elkins—my uncle who has also passed away. Sara, my aunt. Dave and Jody, my cousins. And the author, David Elkins, my uncle. This is not just any book; this is a book about my family tree. The stories would probably not be of any interest to you, but they are to me. That’s what happens when you hear part of your story. Something that seems lifeless comes to life. Something that looks dull becomes dynamite, firing up your heart and igniting your imagination. You are reminded that you are part of something bigger than you are, that began before you and will continue on after you."


This is exactly why God wants you to know His story. He wants to take you into His house where He has framed photos of your ancestors––folks you may not know––lining the walls of His house. Stories of a family patriarch named Abraham whose faith was as great as any. A matriarch named Ruth with courage that would make the most hardened warrior proud. A stubborn Jonah and his improbable fish tale. Impetuous Peter and his big mouth. Persistent Paul and his adventures in preaching. Yet who He wants most of all for you to meet in His story is His Son. He desires for you to look long into the eyes of Jesus Christ and hear His claims that what He began in the first chapter of creation He will realize at the last chapter of the New Creation, where a perfect people can live in a perfect place with their perfect Lord. The perfect place is on the Storyboard. The question is, “Are you?” You can be there when you find your place in His Story.

See you on Sunday! Come prepared for a blessings!


Grace and Peace CAC

Shake Rattle And Sift

Finally I'm back; sorry it has taken me so long. There has been some issues with computer sharing in the household.
I have a lot of things rattling around in this mess of mind I have. I will try to sort some of them out here. Firstly I have been thinking a lot about the situations in Iraq and Syria.
I am dumbfounded at the disparity of the news coverage compared to Ferguson MO. James Wright Foley's execution finally caused the attention to come back to what is going on in Iraq. I can't imagine the pain Mr. Foley's family is going through right now but neither can I imagine the choice all those family's in Iraq are having to make just because they don't believe the same way a small group of people think they should. I am also puzzled as to why many Christians weren't saying much of anything about Iraq until they heard about other Christian's dying for their faith. How is it worse that Christians were beheaded and such those who are Muslim etc.? It seems to me it would be worse the other way around because at least the Christians have real hope beyond this life. I guess I am just plain disgusted with human beings right now.
Let me preface my next rant thusly; I try really hard not to be racist; I don't judge people based on what they look like or where they come from but prejudice is; I believe an inescapable human condition.
The situation in Ferguson has finally turned a corner. Last night was; at last, peaceful. I just find it odd and irksome that what made the difference seems to be that Attorney General Eric Holder came to town. Mr. Holder is black. I just have a hard time believing that a white Attorney General coming to town would have had the same impact as Mr. Holder's did. I also saw a poll on the news that 60% of black people approve of President Obama's response to what was going on in Ferguson. Really? He refused to come back from his vacation in an act of support until a white journalist was beheaded in Iraq; but that's okay. Why? Because he is a black president? Why was it okay for Obama to basically ignore what was going on in Ferguson; yet so a previous administration to be vilified for the failings of FEMA during hurricane Katrina? Why do people rage about inequality and then partake of it with the same mouth? Why is it okay to vote for someone on the basis of race alone then cry about racism?
See I think all of these things and have all these questions I am afraid to say or ask for fear that I will be criticized for these thoughts. I just don't understand the way people think. I know I can't understand what it is like to be black; to have the color of my skin be who and what I am before anything else. But does that mean I have no right to say anything? Does that mean I have no right to an opinion?
See, the way I see what happened in Ferguson wasn't " look what those black people are doing" it was " look what those angry people are doing". My concerns were for the families trapped in their homes and businesses that were unable to open or damaged or both. My fear was that the violence would begat more violence; that the anger would give birth to more anger. My fears were realized all to truly and my heart weeps for this country that our communities can so easily be divided and torn apart. In the depths of my being I mourn for the Michael Browns of this world. But even more my heart mourns each man, woman and child whose lives were brutally taken from them by ISIS. My heart is torn in pieces over the parents who had to watch their children starve to spare them torture and beheading. I can't fathom how a world can sit by and so little in the face of these things. How often we as humans bemoan what is wrong with the world rather than reaching out to do something about the things we can change.
I shake my head in sorrow and confusion as these thoughts rattle around in my head and in writing I am trying to sift out all the prejudice and hurt. I cry out to God for patience with my fellow man and especially my brothers and sisters in Christ when I see a lack of empathy for those who don't know the redeeming power of grace through Jesus Christ. My spirit bleeds a little each time I see a professing Christian judge another's sin rather than lift them up. My spirit mourns when I replay in my head things I have said in anger rather than understanding. How easily we spout Bible verses to condemn but forget the words of our Savior that He did not come into the world to condemn it but to save it. I cry out to God to help me see through His eyes and I as I do all the stuff I wrote above no longer matters.
I hope I have not offended any one; it is not my intention.
Grace and peace CAC

And We're Back....

Okay so I've been gone a good long time and you are thinking "here we go again". Well I can't blame you for that. I really have been lax in writing. I could blame on it on the fact that my computer and XP parted ways and I couldn't type on my tablet. I could, but that would be a lie. The truth is I wasn't writing before my computer started messing up. The truth is I just don't make myself write what is whirling around in my head. I do write a lot in my head. I have lain in bed and composed a plethora of essays on a myriad of subjects. I just don't bother to write any of them down. I have been convicted of late though that this needs to stop. I may not be a great writer but I wouldn't be composing all these things in my head if they were not meant to be shared. God keeps sending little reminders to me about writing my story. Finally He has cracked the thick skull I have and I am seeing that though my story may not be well written it is mine, it is His and I should share. I won't be able to share my story if I don't get into the habit of writing. Also God has done some amazing things in my life and I need to let people know. So starting next post I will tell you some of these things. So, this is where you, reader come in. I need help. I need to know what you want to read about. Is there something I shared with you that you think others would like to hear. Do you have questions about what I believe or think about something? Please, PLEASE give me some feedback to get me started. Also, I really need some accountability. I am pledging to write at least one post 2x a week. I need someone to kick me in the hind end if I don't post for more than 3 days. My goal is by the end of the year to be posting daily. Thank you in advance. May God bless you and keep you. CAC

Ten Days Of Gratitude Day 10

Today I am grateful for this day. I am grateful for what this day means as a Native of the United States of America. I am grateful that a brave group of people chose to leave the tyranny of a country that told them the way they chose to worship God was wrong and refusal to go along would mean prison or worse. Though not everyone that came over with them shared their beliefs and some of them lost their way afterwards, that foundation is still there, and something to be appreciated. I am grateful that I have family to share this day with; though we are not complete, with my daughter in Georgia, and my sister in Heaven, it is good to have someone to share this time with. I know my daughter will be with the other part of her family and that is okay. Most of all today and every day I am grateful for my God and Savior, Jesus Christ. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and make sure you do something for someone that has less than you before the weekend is over. God Bless You.

Ten Days Of Gratitude Day 4

Today I am grateful for BSF (Bible Study Fellowship).  BSF is a non-denominational, international  Bible Study program that takes one through an entire book of the Bible or group of books ie Minor Prophets, through notes, study questions, discussion groups, and lecture.  This fourfold approach works well to get into God's Word and understand how to apply it to one's life.  I have attended BSF for about 5 years off and on and it has been a huge blessing in my life.  I have learned so much about myself and God through these studies and have also made some great friends and prayer warriors.
If you are looking for something to make  you feel more connected to God, and the body of Christ; I highly recommend you consider  joining a BSF group near you. For more information go here

I am a whore

I don't know how the pastor of your church introduces his sermon on Sunday but this song was how ours introduced his sermon this week.
I was introduced to this song by my daughter so I was familiar with it; a good half of the congregation were not; I could tell by the looks on their faces. Some of them had looks revulsion or anger at the crude words. But overall the reaction was one of pure repentance as one by one we saw ourselves as we truly are.
I cried all the way through the song as note by note conviction tore me apart until I was, once again, seeing myself in perspective. I forget so easily what Jesus' death
rescues me from every day that I let Him. So often I find myself talking about some one like I am better than they are or some such foolishness. But I am not, I am a whore and I need God's mercy and forgiveness; I need Jesus blood every second of every day.

In Which Molten Lava Flows From Her Mouth

I feel sometimes like I am a volcano. Trying so hard to leave so many things unsaid , so many thoughts not spoken, so many tears un-shed that I become unstable and suddenly erupt with little or no warning. Most people would never guess this of me. They wouldn't believe that I could anything but quiet and sweet. They don' realize that I am filled with smoldering lava. It stays there and it simmers; waiting for a that moment when all is quiet and seemingly calm; to boil and erupt; and burn every good thing that has grown, every step of progress made, and every hope ever dreamed.
Most people do not know that I am a monster.

But God knows, and somehow, He doesn't turn away, He doesn't turn His back and say "you are not worthy of my love, monster" Instead God embraces me and speaks in my ear softly of a love I cannot comprehend. He speaks of a love that sacrifices the very Son Of God, to save me. A love that doesn't exclude monsters, but instead tells me I am made in the very image of God and I am beautiful.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

It's Just The Dark Before The Morning

I don't know if I have mentioned before that I do BSF ; but I do. This year we are doing Isaiah which has just been added to the studies BSF does. They also do Acts of The Apostles,Romans, John, Genesis, The Life of Moses and The Minor Prophets. But I digress a bit. I bring up BSF because I have not been keeping up with my study this year. I have not done well in that area for a couple of years now but never as bad as this time. I counted up and I have not completed half of the lessons for this year so far. I was not really surprised at the number but it was painful to face none the less. The reason I counted them up is I have made a determination to finish strong. That said; I finished my whole lesson this week which was on Isaiah 49. You can read the passage here . I did the whole lesson and was so blessed. What blessed me most was verses 7-13 and even more so when I read it in the Message .
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead!
Mountains, send up cheers!
God has comforted his people.
He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people
That's me! I am His people and He has comforted me, is comforting me.

As Promised...finally

I promised over a month ago to tell more about the Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church Women's Retreat.
I always look forward greatly to Beth Moore events; she is a very gifted teacher who has a style I can relate to well. But I have to admit when I saw the Scripture passage she was going to talk on I was a little let down. Proverbs 31- "yeesh my self esteem is already low Beth, I don't need you to tell me I'm failing to be a "Proverbs 31 woman'!"
But then she said she was only going to talk about one verse- 26..
If you recall the video I posted it was related to this quote " WE as women are teachers and we are published authors; twitter, blogs, etc. and we need to let the Holy Spirit be our editor. We need to...
Eat if before we tweet it
Flog is before we blog it and
Face it before we Facebook it."
She then went on to give us 8 tastes of kindness; explaining what kindness is and in some cases what it is not. By the time it was over I was crying like a baby with repentance, relief and refreshment. The most heart wrenching for me was when she said kindness is a Savior and read Ephesians 2:4-10 and asked "Have you lost the wonder? "Oh yes I said oh yes I have". and though I had it back for a few hours, I say again, Oh yes, Lord I have lost the wonder. I have gone from that huddled form crying in a pew and feeling so refreshed a determined back to a burdened soul from whom kindness is very far away.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

" McNugget" Madness and other lessons from Beth Moore

One never knows what one will hear when she attends a Beth Moore event. Today was a Living Proof Simulcast with Beth Moore and I was blessed to be able to attend due to a friends kindness. Kindness it turns out was the theme for today's event. In discussing how we can lose our selves in life's disappointments and frustrations Beth referred to this . I must admit I had never heard about it before so was anxious to see it when I got home. The story is that a woman came through a McDonald's drive thru early in the morning recently and ordered Chicken McNuggets. Of course she was told they are not available until lunch hours start. She was not satisfied and tried several times to get someone to cook her some anyway. When she didn't get her way she became violent. Hearing about it I knew that my behavior of late really wouldn't be much better than that woman's if any. I have had some major hissy fits at my son that send my Dorkie running for cover and cause my German Shepard to hang her head and emlpoy her "what do I do?" face. What did I have these fits about? Nothing more justified than wanting McNuggets at 6am. Oh sure I can try to justify it, just as I am sure this woman did her behavior. After all couldn't they have just cooked some up for her? But I the fact is that she was making it all about her not caring about the rules, not caring about the fact that the woman trying to serve her didn't make the rules; ;only caring that she wasn't getting what she wanted. I have been living my life for me, caring only about me. Living as though miy pain is the pain that should matter, as though my needs are the ones that should be met. Acting as though my loneliness is the only loneliness that hurts this deep. Truth is I need more kindness shown to me in my life, but also the truth the only One Whom I can depend on to show me kindness is My Savior and He has already shown me more kindness than I can wrap my head around by coming as a man and dying on the cross and defeating death and sin so I can be with Him forever.
I will try to write more about the simulcast. It was a wonderful day. I wish I had seen more people there whom I know needed refreshment from God's Word.

Happy Easter

Today is the day we commemorate death of, not a man, not a great teacher, nor a prophet but of the Son of God; . Why would the Son of God let Himself be murdered? There are many answers to that question but the only one that is true is this...to be the final sacrifice for sin; to bridge the gap between a Holy God and sinful man.
But today is not the end of Easter, it is only the beginning....
Stay tuned

Pre-Wedding Woes and Worries

Sigh, still decompressing a week later, from a grueling couple of days driving to and from Georgia to take my daughter to give her in marriage and then come home. The trip started out on a sour note when my car that had run fine began to act up and eventually die after I took it to the shop to have it checked out for the trip. I took it in Tuesday, asked them to change the oil, winterize and give it good looking over as I was planning long trip Thursday. From where we live to her new home is almost 500 miles. So they did as I asked, pronounced it fit for travel and I went on my way. Thursday morning I went to babysit for our Ladies Bible Study at my church and when I got ready to come home the check engine light came on. I took in back to the shop and they said it was probably just a mis-read and reset it; if it were to come back on bring it back. So I left, went to meet my daughter to run some errands with her. We drove the car she was borrowing and when we finished I got in my car and head home and the light came back on. I drove it to the shop; by now it was 4pm and we were supposed to leave at 7pm. They looked it over and said it needed a complete tune-up. So my daughter shelled out over $260 to get that done and we paid them and left to have dinner with the people she had been staying with and told them we would pick up the car after as they would be closed when we got back. So we went to dinner, came back followed by our dinner companions as Danielle had their other car. Went to start the car and it didn't want to start. Finally got it to run, ran a little rough on the way home but started right back up when we stopped it at home and restarted it. Packed up the trunk and animals and got ready to go, turned the key and nothing...
Called the shop number no answer, no machine, nothing. So I called our wonderful friend Jerry, who was the one who got me the car and he and his wife brought over their car for us to take.
Once we got on the road things went as smoothly as one can expect when traveling with a cat and dog and three women. We had to stop several times to clean up the cat and his carrier; good reminder for Danielle that she may not want a baby right away. Her cat is a house cat and had no idea what to do outside except breathe the fresh air. She cleaned up the messes without complaint though; a real trooper my girl.
It rained the entire way there; sometimes quite hard but most of the time just steady downpour. I drove all the way there since my mom can't drive well and my dear sweet daughter ended up sleeping almost all the way there. She had told me she would drive part of the way, but she exhausted herself so thoroughly before the trip she just wasn't up for it. I didn't mind; sitting in the car would have been harder on me than doing the driving; at least not any easier.
We got to our destination almost an hour before we were expected to arrive; got out and stretched our legs and found our way to where we would leave Danielle so she and her fiance could get all their last minute stuff done before the wedding. My mom and I then went on to get some breakfast and find a motel so we could get some rest.
Prior to our leaving I was told by Danielle that my mom had asked to go with us and said if she could go she would pay for the motel. So this is what I expected would be the case. However, while we were eating breakfast the check came and my mom picked it up and said she would pay for it since I was paying for the motel. I was stunned; still am but didn't, don't know what to say. Thankfully that day was payday for me so I had the funds in my bank account but it was my entire budget for the month for personal money; food I can't get with my food stamps, medicines, etc.
It also ended up that I had to pay for gas to get home as well though I am not sure why that happened except that I did not have the for-site to talk to Danielle about that before the wedding and she didn't have any money on her then.
So there you have the tone of the trip, stress and more stress and God's grace was present and needed through it all. I will write about the wedding in another post.
Once home my dear rescuer Jerry, got the car to the shop and they discovered the intake manifold, made of plastic, had cracked. I don't know if they admitted any fault in that or not; all I know is my car is back and running fine now and I didn't get a bill for it. Thank You God for Jerry and Peg and all Your provision.

Homeostasis no more

This can be a good thing in our bodies; it is what keeps things running as they should. But God keeps tapping me on the head with this theme of accepting change. It is not something I do well, to say the least. None of us, I suppose really like change. Few relish the thought of it, yet some of us hold on for dear life even the things in our lives that our destructive, rather than embrace the change necessary to make things better. This response to change is what God is bringing me out of, yes kicking and screaming a bit, but I am getting there.
Emergence from the PIT was for me the hardest change I have ever endured. It is the hardest change still. One may think a person would emerge from the mire happy to be out, but not I. I was terrified. This life out of the pit was unfamiliar and scary. This vast expanse of space was strange and not at all comforting or warm. No, this freedom was not my home and I was not at all sure I wanted it to be. Much better, I reasoned to stay close to the edge just in case I needed to dive for cover or something. So I lived this way for many many years. Hanging close to the edge of the pit, loathing it but loving it. Desiring to be free from it but afraid to be to far from it's edge. Slipping back in when things life threw something at me I didn't want to face. Hating myself for falling back in, sighing at the snug fit and familiar air.
Change is hard, but I am learning that I can face it on the outside of the Pit and if I face it with God. Change is necessary for growth and I finally feel like I am reaching for the sun, rather than storing hunkering down and waiting for the storm. I cannot say I embrace change, but I can say I embrace Jesus, and I am ready to go where He takes me; even if it is out of the boat and onto dark choppy waters.

Rainy Days And A Cloudy Heart

My dear sweet daughter came by today and moved my computer into her old room. I was OK when I packed her stuff up, I was pretty alright when a guy came and got her bed. But this; today I filled with such sadness! It's like this act, this moving other stuff back in here is the final proof that she really is leaving me. In less than 2 weeks I will be minus a daughter. I will give her away and she will no longer be mine, but ours; his wife and my daughter. Once I give her to be married to him, I will have lost her. For in marrying, she becomes someone new. This is as it should be, but that doesn't make it easy. Though I look forward to knowing and loving this new person, I grieve the old. I grieve the lost chances to be a better mother, to prepare her better for what she has faced and will face. I grieve for the many hours of wasted time arguing and fighting when I should have been lavishing love on her instead. O God help me let these feelings go and give them over to You.
O God, be what I have not to my daughter, shelter her in Your arms and protect her as she enters this new phase of her life. Fill her with the knowledge of who she is in You so that she will be all she needs to be for her husband. Give her wings to fly on her own, to make her home one of peace and rest where she and her husband can relax and enjoy one another so that they can go out refreshed and renewed in Your service. In Jesus name, AMEN

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I had no idea this is what today was.
To all of those who have lost babies, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
I don't imagine to understand your pain, but I know God knows and I know you will be reunited with them someday. I pray God's unique comfort and peace envelope you and your families until then.

Relief and Redemption

I feel so much better than I did last week. It is like night and day. I am more grateful than anyone will ever know for all the prayers and encouragement I have received over these last few days THANK YOU and most of all thank God, Who through all is faithful.
I was able to be a part of my local Body of Christ Sunday and stand and praise the One Who gave all for me with renewed joy and fortitude. Praise His Holy Name, Lord God of All!

Primal Screams And Other Horrors

I let the stress of all the changes I am going through get the best of me today. I ended up doing a few primal screams in the basement, threatening to cut my son's hands off and did and said a few other things that mortify me in the recollection of them.
Please Lord, help keep from defining myself by my actions this afternoon. Lord help me remember Your mercies are ever flowing, and never fail. Help me remember that I am not You and that my failures don't define me.