Can't Make Tracks

I want to run run run away with just the clothes on my back; I want to walk walk walk away and never look back, but I can't make tracks.
I want to scream scream scream that I'm not an idiot; but you won't hear me anyway because you only hear me talk.
If I had a wheelchair I would roll roll roll away; roll into the ocean and at the bottom stay; but I don't have a wheelchair and I can't make tracks.
I want to stand stand stand and do what I need to do but I can't stand and I can't make tracks.
I want to cry cry cry that you don't understand but you just call me crazy so I cry into my pillow once again.
I want to run, I want to walk, I want to stand, I want to cry cry cry but no one understands. My body turned against me and my mind has seen too much. I can only write, and pray and hope that one day I can run run run and make track after track after track.

Here's To You Lonely Blog Follower

I gather from an email that was sent to me with writing suggestions that someone misses my writing. I do apologize for the lengthy absence. I really am having trouble with the whole motivation to write thing. It seems often the motivation strikes and the computer is not available and then it's gone. Yes, it is a flimsy excuse since all I need do is ask to use the computer but oh well: there it is.

Big sigh and onward.

I have a lot on my mind lately regarding my father.
In order to understand how all of this transpired one must first somewhat understand the dynamic of my family. My father is married to a woman who is only about 5 years older than me; wife number 4. She has done some things that, well just say if I were Santa Claus she would be on the naughty list for life. My brothers and I do not have a working relationship for some bad things in my past. I don't want to go into detail just trust me when I say it is not petty. Okay, so here we go. I found out by reading a comment one of my brothers had posted on Facebook that some thing was wrong with my dad. I called to find out that he had been taken to a hospital ER due to having passed out. When I called his wife didn't say much just what that he had passed out on the kitchen floor. She then handed the phone to my dad and he said a doctor had not been in to see him yet. I thought I would get a call back when information was available. I was wrong. I did not hear back and when I called back I was told he has a blockage in his neck. I was not told how much of a blockage is was but told that he would have surgery the following day which was a Sunday. I got home from church and checked my phone; no one had called. I thought maybe they got a late start on the surgery so I waited a few more hours. No one called so I called again only to find out the surgery had been postponed. On Monday the same brother posted on Facebook that he was wanting prayer for my dad adding that he had 90% blockage in his neck. The routine was the same Monday; no one called me. I called and talked to my dad again and he told me the blockage had been removed and he was waiting to find out when he could go home. (My dad hates hospitals more than most people) Something about the way he was talking made me realize he wasn't really clear on what was done to him so I called the nurses station and asked for information. I was told he had had a heart capacity test and no stent was put in or anything done with his neck. By then I was ready to scream and throw things in frustration! Here I am stuck hundreds of miles away with no one to get any real information from!

I continued to call every day, sometimes twice a day to try to find out what was going on. He continued to believe that he would be released any time. When I called Tuesday he said the doctor had not come back in to see him at all on Monday and he was fed up and wanted to go home and have his church pray for him. Sure enough, when I called back later that day he was home.

God has been dealing with me about trusting Him and I have to say this one has been a whopper of a trial in that regard. I know God can heal my dad miraculously and completely without the help of modern medicine. But I also know all wisdom comes from him and doctors are gifted by Him. Yet I can't make my dad choose to let doctors do what they want to do and I can't intervene. Okay God, here I am trusting You that You have all this in Your Mighty hands and if You choose to take my dad home to You I will have to be okay with that. I want to see him again before that happens but I know I will see him again in any case.

And Forever You Shall Be Known As

I went to a doctor recently to have a plantar wart removed. This was not my first one; though the last one was over 10 years ago. The same doctor saw me today but not in his office because his office doesn't lower itself to take my "insurance". I digress; the doctor came in and since I hadn't seen him for years and had not record at this facility; he asked me if I have any health problems. I said yes and sighed heavily which prompted him to look at the information sent over by my doctor. Now I don't like to dwell on all my health issues but in order to make my point I must list them. I have osteoarthritis in both knees as well as my toes and ankles, spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia syndrome, major depression, COPD, sleep apnea, and diabetes. I also have an over active bladder and a history of ulcers. The doctor looks at the information my family doctor sent over and looked up and said " so mainly diabetes?" Yes I have been diagnosed as a diabetic. Do you know why I am? I am diagnosed as diabetic because one time; yes one time, my A1C was a whopping 6.3! I take no medication for it and subsequent tests have come in the 5 range. But because my AIC was over 6 one time I will forever be labeled diabetic. Now, you may wonder why this bothers me so much. It bothers me for the same reason I hated to list my depression medicine on my paperwork when seeing a new doctor before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Doctors looked at my weight, and the medication was on for depression and assumed my pain was a result of my depression. I abhor assumptions! I want a doctor to look beyond the surface and deal with my body as a whole; is that too much to ask? Just sayin' ya know? Grace and peace CAC

Public Mourns The Death Of Robin Williams

I am and many more are shocked to find out that Robin Williams; America's beloved actor and funny man; has apparently committed suicide. I am not a celebrity watcher, I feel that just because someone is famous doesn't give me the right to know every detail of his or her life. Therefore I had no idea Mr. Williams was suffering from depression. I also did not know that he had recently relapsed into drug use. I did know from hearing others talk that he had battled drug addiction. I do know that often the drug addiction and depression go hand in hand. His family is asking privacy at his horrific juncture in their lives, and I do hope they are allowed this humble and reasonable request. I know first hand what losing someone to suicide is like and I know how every one thinking they know details just makes it harder. My goal in writing about this is for one purpose and one purpose only; to shine a light on the need for education, treatment and de-stigmatization regarding depression. The time has come dear public, to shed the blinders we have on that mental illness is rare and won't touch our lives. We need to get serious about getting the word out that being mentally ill makes one week or odd. We need to get it our of our heads that depression is a sometimes feeling that goes away after a while. Though many people may only have one or a few problems with clinical depression there are also a lot of people for whom depression never really goes away. There are of course many posts on Facebook about Mr. Williams death and one just really got to me. A well meaning person said

Depression IS treatable. Medicine, counseling and faith can change things

. There is nothing inherently wrong with this but it just seems trite to me. Really, do you think Mr. Williams didn't seek help? Do you think his loving family didn't make every effort to make sure he went to counseling and doctors? Depression is so much more complicated than this quote indicates that it is. I watched for the third or fourth time a few days ago and movie called Ordinary People . The movie is a portrait of a family who are grieving the loss of the eldest of two sons in a boating accident. The portrait picks up at what appears to be a few months after the younger son has attempted suicide by slitting his wrists. If you have never seen this movie I highly recommend that you find it and watch it Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland are the parents and deliver a stellar performance along with Timothy Hutton playing the part of the younger son, Conrad. At one point in the movie a girl asks Conrad why he did it and he says;

It's like falling into a hole; a hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger. And you can't get out and all of the sudden it's inside you; you're the hole and your trapped and it's all over.

This is one the most accurate descriptions I have ever heard of what it feels like to be suicidal. My thoughts and prayers are with Mr. Williams family. The coming days, weeks and months will bring much pain. There will abundant sorrow, there will be guilt and there will be anger. I pray that somehow in the midst of all of these, the message of hope in Christ will get through and bring them comfort and peace. If you know someone who battles depression; don't tell them to suck it up. Don't tell them to pray and all will be well. Tell them to get help and be there for them, to listen and tell them the truth. Stay up all night with them if need be, stay up 2 nights in a row if need be. If you don't feel up to doing this or to help you out use this information and lift them to the Throne of Grace and pray to Almighty God that they will get help and choose life. Grace and peace CAC

Ban Mother's Day NOW!

I hate Mother's Day! There I said it and I am sure I am now considered at best very strange; probably more like downright awful. But I stand by it, I hate it. I hate thinking about my mother history, dismal as it is. I hate myself for the mistakes I made and the ones I continue to make as a mother. I am sick of sermons extolling the virtues of good mothers, godly, Proverbs woman mothers and knowing that I am not even close. I deplore that try as I might I expect some acknowledgment as though I might deserve it. I disdain the disappointment I always end up feeling when someone didn't remember what day it is.
But yesterday hit a new low in Mother's Days for me. My son told me that he feels like he could/ can never depend on me. When I told my other child what he said; she gave a lot of excuse for his harshness and lack of tact but she didn't disagree. She didn't disagree because she can't; it is the truth. The only prize I could ever win as a mother is for being around; because I was never and will never be "there" for my children.

In Which Molten Lava Flows From Her Mouth

I feel sometimes like I am a volcano. Trying so hard to leave so many things unsaid , so many thoughts not spoken, so many tears un-shed that I become unstable and suddenly erupt with little or no warning. Most people would never guess this of me. They wouldn't believe that I could anything but quiet and sweet. They don' realize that I am filled with smoldering lava. It stays there and it simmers; waiting for a that moment when all is quiet and seemingly calm; to boil and erupt; and burn every good thing that has grown, every step of progress made, and every hope ever dreamed.
Most people do not know that I am a monster.

But God knows, and somehow, He doesn't turn away, He doesn't turn His back and say "you are not worthy of my love, monster" Instead God embraces me and speaks in my ear softly of a love I cannot comprehend. He speaks of a love that sacrifices the very Son Of God, to save me. A love that doesn't exclude monsters, but instead tells me I am made in the very image of God and I am beautiful.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Where Oh Where Has She Gone?

Yes I am still alive; though little has change since my last post. I am overall less discouraged than when last I wrote though. Physically I am still battling lung issues, and the Fibromyalgia is not under control (because a body needs oxygen) and my back and neck are giving me fits. Add Osteoarthritis to the mix and you have no fun for sure. My weight continues to rise as I have no energy to cook or exercise. Round and round we go :<.
I went to a training seminar with Stuart Scott on Biblical Counseling (see ) at the behest of my pastor and learned a lot about myself. I also learned why secular counseling has left me wanting so. What a Christian needs is discipleship counseling. I am excited about where this training will take me and our small group in the future.
I am though still struggling with depression, especially this last week since my MD changed my medicine. I am hoping the withdrawal symptoms will end in the next day or two and that my emotions will level out some.
More later.

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

As Promised...finally

I promised over a month ago to tell more about the Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church Women's Retreat.
I always look forward greatly to Beth Moore events; she is a very gifted teacher who has a style I can relate to well. But I have to admit when I saw the Scripture passage she was going to talk on I was a little let down. Proverbs 31- "yeesh my self esteem is already low Beth, I don't need you to tell me I'm failing to be a "Proverbs 31 woman'!"
But then she said she was only going to talk about one verse- 26..
If you recall the video I posted it was related to this quote " WE as women are teachers and we are published authors; twitter, blogs, etc. and we need to let the Holy Spirit be our editor. We need to...
Eat if before we tweet it
Flog is before we blog it and
Face it before we Facebook it."
She then went on to give us 8 tastes of kindness; explaining what kindness is and in some cases what it is not. By the time it was over I was crying like a baby with repentance, relief and refreshment. The most heart wrenching for me was when she said kindness is a Savior and read Ephesians 2:4-10 and asked "Have you lost the wonder? "Oh yes I said oh yes I have". and though I had it back for a few hours, I say again, Oh yes, Lord I have lost the wonder. I have gone from that huddled form crying in a pew and feeling so refreshed a determined back to a burdened soul from whom kindness is very far away.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

Still Here For Now

I am, and have been for some months, profoundly depressed. I don't think I have ever really bounced back from the depression medication changes last year. I had to stop one I was on because it was damaging my liver. But I think I need the component that is in what I was on that damaged my liver is what I need to function better.
The last few months have been worse than ever and I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I don't even have the gumption to reply to emails from my daughter for pity sake! I can't tell you how long it has been since I talked to her on the phone.
I have gained back half of the weight I lost because I don't have any desire to cook and I crave all the stuff I don't need to eat and give in because why shouldn't I? It's not like there's any point in not giving in
Oh ya, my poor son, I treat him like crap most of the time. I am so irritable I yell at him and call him names almost every time he tries to talk to me.
I try to pray but just can't. I want to cry but most of the time can't do that either. I just sit in my chair or lie in bed and the days just melt together into a blur.

Windy Monday Ramblings

We had a nice break from the harsh cold for a couple of weeks but today are reminded it is a winter predicted to be very cold. The wind chill is 27 degrees the real temp being just under 10 degrees warmer than that. Much better, I realize than a lot of places but still about 15 degrees below our average for January.
I am sitting here waiting for my hair to dry enough to go outside. (I prefer not to use a blow dryer in the winter if I can help it; as it drys my hair out. I actually prefer to use one sparingly anyway as it is not supposed to be real good for ones' hair at all.) It occurred to me that since I am waiting for my hair to dry I could write a blog post, major revelation no? I don't know I don't write more, it's not like I don't have anything to say. I just can't seem to get up the gumption to actually try to organize what I have to say into something readable.
The mantra A writer writes every day flows through my mind frequently and is a source of self recrimination for me. I actually will correct people who call me a writer because I don't write every day. I accede to being called a poet; though feel that is not really right either; for I cannot recite to you anything I have written; nor can I recite the works of others.
I guess I fear if I have the label then I must accept that I have squandered a beautiful gift; more guilt is not something I need.

Diet Disaster

I have been silent a long time, I know. I think it is because I feel ashamed. You see, I am afraid I have let myself and everyone else down by "falling off the wagon". As faithful readers know,my daughter, whom I am very close to and who lived with me , moved out in August and then moved over 900 miles away to get married in October. Her moving out began a downhill slide that I am still climbing up from. I was depressed so didn't have the energy to fix meals, so I was eating the right foods the wrong way; larger portions of protein because I didn't fix a salad, etc. Then a couple of weeks before Christmas I was asked to make candies to help out a friend who was selling Christmas goodies and got in over her head. That did it; making those things and not being able to eat them got to me and I dove head first into the forbidden.
After the New Year, I halted my consumption of all things forbidden but still am struggling with eating in balance. I am sorry to say I have gained 15 pounds during this awful time. I am working on a fresh start but it is amazing how quickly old habits come back.

26 Years Ago

I was in the hospital resting up from labor and surgery that brought forth my first born, my son. I can't believe it was that long ago. So much has happened over the years, and here we are come full circle to living together once again; and once again I am failing him.
Happy Birthday, son. I hope I can learn to show you love over this next year better than I have thus far.

Relief and Redemption

I feel so much better than I did last week. It is like night and day. I am more grateful than anyone will ever know for all the prayers and encouragement I have received over these last few days THANK YOU and most of all thank God, Who through all is faithful.
I was able to be a part of my local Body of Christ Sunday and stand and praise the One Who gave all for me with renewed joy and fortitude. Praise His Holy Name, Lord God of All!

Primal Screams And Other Horrors

I let the stress of all the changes I am going through get the best of me today. I ended up doing a few primal screams in the basement, threatening to cut my son's hands off and did and said a few other things that mortify me in the recollection of them.
Please Lord, help keep from defining myself by my actions this afternoon. Lord help me remember Your mercies are ever flowing, and never fail. Help me remember that I am not You and that my failures don't define me.

Tears And A Tender Heart

I am brought ridiculously easy to tears these last few days and in way I feel like I know who I am again. Since I spent over the first half of my life depressed and untreated for it I had always been one to cry "at the drop of a hat". It really hasn't been until the last few years that medication has eased the flow of those tears. When I was a teenager and pretending to be a Christian, so many people remarked at my tears, that I have a tender heart. It is only in recent years I have come to know that in fact I do not have a tender heart apart from Christ; that on my own I am hard hearted and without compassion. All those tears were psychological pain overflowing and brain chemistry misfiring.
Now, this week I am in the throws of depression medication withdrawal and once again the tears flow and I must remind myself of what is real. I must look into my heart and know it is deceitful above all things and that if the tears are coming because I am tired or saw a sad commercial, it doesn't mean I am so compassionate, or overwhelmed. It simply means my brain chemistry is out of whack. To know who I am I must not rely on how I feel, but who God says I am in His Word. I am more than a conquer in Christ Jesus, I can rise above this trial through His power. I am chosen by before the foundation of the world by Jesus. My name is written in the palm of God's hand.
Thank you God that reality is found in Christ! (Colossians 2:17NIV)

Beating Around The Bush

I wonder why all desire to communicate must be met with the assumption that there is a point. Isn't it possible that one just desires to connect? Isn't is OK to just feel like hearing how someone's day went? Can't I just need to talk without having something to say?

I am in a fragile state of mind today. Once again I am facing changes in my medication and the effects are not something I would wish on my ex-husband (worst enemy). I did as my therapist advised this time and tried to let people know to gain some sort of support. Good news is requests for prayer have been met with faithfulness from my sisters and brothers in Christ and God. This time I have not become suicidal and out of control. Not so good news is I still don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to, and my most recent attempt was a miserable failure. I am trying to keep from saying I am a failure, trying not to feel I am. I just don't know how to receive help.

If this makes no sense I apologize. Just chalk it up to my muddled mind and pray that I can lean on Jesus right now and maybe I can make more sense later.

A Perfect Mess Blog Tour

God reminded me that I had A Perfect Mess by Lisa Harper right when I needed it. I was getting ready to read another book I am going to review when I looked at the date and realized there should be one before it. What it book it was! Once again God's timing is awesome and this book was just what I needed right now. .
A Perfect Mess's subtitle is Why You Don't Have to Worry About Being Good Enough for God and this is a big issue for me that I is always highlighted by my birthday. Many tears of gratitude grace the pages of my copy of this small yet powerful book.
Breaking down some of the chapter titles will give you a pretty good picture of the subject matter. Chapter One Walk This Way What Psalm I reveals about avoiding potholes in the path of life Chapter Two Leaping over Legalism What Psalm 62 says about wriggling out of the trap of wrong expectations Chapter Three Tumbling Toward Approval How Psalm 139 describes the way God sees the beauty behind our blemishes Chapter Four This Love Story Means Having To Say "I'm Sorry" What Psalm 51 reveals about deep cleaning our dirty cleaning our dirty hearts and much more, there are 12 chapters in all.
What I like most about this book was though the author has sense of humor and encourages us to look at things from a lighter side of things, she doesn't make light of God's Word. I love a book that has me getting my Bible along with it like this one does too. If you struggle at all with what you should be doing or know someone who is, this book needs to be on your list of must haves.
This is the summary the publisher sent:
Caught up in the self-imposed pressure to do and be all the things they think a Christian woman ought to do and be, countless women are working desperately to convince everyone, including God, that they have it all together. Few have any idea that the Creator of the universe looks at them with delight even when they yell at the dog, drive a minivan littered with French fries, or think bad words about that rude clerk at the store.
A Perfect Mess offers hope to every woman who yearns for a vibrant relationship with God but worries she isn’t good enough or doesn’t do enough to merit His affection. With characteristic authenticity, speaker and author Lisa Harper shares poignant stories from her own imperfect life to showcase the real-life relevancy of the Bible in the lives of modern women.
As she guides readers on a story-driven journey through selected Psalms, they will be inspired to experience for themselves how God’s incomparable love transforms the messiness of life into a gorgeous work of grace.
You can win a copy by commenting on this post or you can purchase one here here
Lisa Harper is a master storyteller whose lively approach connects the dots between the Bible era and modern life. She is a sought-after Bible teacher and speaker whose upcoming appearances include the national Women of Faith Conferences. A veteran of numerous radio and television programs and the author of several books, she also is a regular columnist for Today’s Christian Woman magazine. Lisa recently completed a master’s of theological studies from Covenant Theological Seminary. She makes her home outside Nashville.

Muddled And Jumbled

My heart and mind are a jumbled mass of emotions. I am awash in sadness that has me weighted down as surely as though I had boulders attached to my heart. Some of this sadness in explicable, some is not. Yet amidst all this, I am so filled with gratitude for the provision of my God through His people that I cannot put it in to words.
Denial aside finally, I have had to face the fact that I am depressed. Food has lost it's flavor, yet I crave it, sleep eludes me until I am exhausted then I cannot wake up. I cry about things I don't want to, yet can't cry about other things. I have the energy of a rock and about the same amount of empathy for others. The lies I have been telling myself are that "this is the real me". "That the other person people see is me pretending"; this is the lie I told my therapist last week. Thank God, he knows better and the words he spoke to me are beginning to penetrate my darkened heart. He reiterated the gospel to me, which at first made no sense. Surely he was not listening to me! I wasn't saying I had felt I had sin that couldn't be forgiven; I was saying I am worthless! I make no contribution to society, in fact I am a drain upon it. But he was having none of that. "Who decides worth?", he asked. "Is not the heart of the gospel that none of us are worthy?"
Since then this Truth has been working it's way into my heart; I cannot say it has gotten there yet, but it is getting there.
In the midst of all this, my daughter is in severe crisis and I am not able to be what she needs, crippled as I am at this time. I do not want to tell her business, as I have been guilty of before. I can only say her planned future is being met with tremendous obstacles and opposition.