In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

My dear sweet daughter has informed me that I let her readers down by not posting a picture. I apologise and will try to remedy that now.

Last week I dog sat for a friend;



Perhaps herd sat would be more appropriate. The black blob at the back that looks like nothing is actually a curled up and laid upon dachshund puppy. I have two, a German Shepard mix not pictured and a Dorkie, and she has three, the bed they are all sacked out on is the German Shepard's bed! You can find more pics of mine in past posts but I will also publish more of them later on.
Sorry for the long absence; again. Thanks for the nudge Sweetpea!

The Vanishing Sculptor Blog Tour

The Vanishing Sculptor by Donita K. Paul
I am still reading this book so I am going to publish a summary from the publisher.
Thus far I am enjoying my first time reading this author. If you are a fan and have read the earlier books in this series I have no doubt you are in for a real treat.

Return to the world of the dragon keepers, where the fate of three missing statues will determine the fate of the world. Tipper, a young emerlindian woman, has been responsible for the upkeep of her family’s estate since her sculptor father disappeared several years ago. To make ends meet, she’s been forced to sell off the artwork he left behind. When at last her father returns, accompanied by two strangers from a distant land, Tipper discovers that her actions have unbalanced the foundation of her world, as well as her father’s life, and she must act quickly to undo the threat. But how can she save her father and the world on her own? The task is too huge for one person, so she gathers the help of some unlikely companions—including her guardian, the giant parrot Beccaroon, the wizard Fenworth, and his librarian Librettowit—and sets out on a quest, eventually witnessing the loving care and miraculous resources of Wulder.

Join new characters and old friends on a journey into a fantasy that inhabits the same world as the DragonKeeper Chronicles, but in a different country and an earlier time, where the people know little of Wulder and nothing of Paladin.

Author Bio:

Donita K. Paul is a retired teacher and author of numerous novellas, short stories, and eight novels, including the best-selling DragonKeeper Chronicles, a series which has sold more than a quarter million books to date. The winner of multiple awards, she lives in Colorado Springs, Colorado, where she spends time mentoring and encouraging young writers. Visit her online at donitakpaul.com.

You may purchase this book here or you can leave a comment on this post for a chance to win a copy. Happy reading!

Sisterchicks in Wooden Shoes Blog Tour

My apologies to the author and publisher for the tardiness of this post.
Sisterchicks in Wooden Shoes by Robin Jones Gunn
Summer Finley makes a decision to realize a lifelong dream when she is faced with the news of an abnormal mammogram. She heads for Holland where she enjoys tulips, wooden shoes, and her best friend, Noelle,
Noelle and Summer have been pen pals since fourth grade, but have never met face-to-face. Through decades of correspondence, they have developed an abiding friendship. A week of together helps both of them release anxiety and develop a deeper trust in God. When Summer finally reveals the news of her abnormal medical report, Noelle finds the freedom to share a her own deep heartache,and both women discover they needed each other more than they realized.
This book made me laugh so hard at times I cried but also touched my heart tenderly and deeply as well. Summer's exploits in Holland were funny and the descriptions of the flowers and shops and things made me want to go to Holland for myself. That is not easy to do for this homebody. I am sure you will thoroughly enjoy this book in the Sisterchick series. This was my first foray into this particular author's works. I had heard of the Sisterchick books but dismissed them as frivolity. I was quite mistaken in that opinion and plan to catch up on the series as well as the other books this author has written.
Publisher note
Women ages 35 and up, readers of Christian Boomer Lit, and fans of books such as The Yada Yada Prayer Group will enjoy Robin Jones Gunn’s humorous and uplifting style. True-to-life characters and moments of poignancy bring a deeper understanding of the value of life and the gift of true friends. Readers guide and bonus material included.
Robin Jones Gunn is the best-selling and award-winning author of over seventy books, including the Glenbrooke, Christy Miller, Sierra Jensen, Katie Weldon, and Christy and Todd.The College Years teen series. The Sisterchicks® series has sold more than 300,000 units, bringing her total sales to more than 3.5 million books worldwide. A Christy Award winner, Robin is a popular speaker, both at home and abroad, and is frequently interviewed on radio and on television. www.robingunn.com www.sisterchicks.com

For a chance to win your own copy leave a comment on this post. You can also purchase here
Happy reading!

Stealing Home Blog Tour

I must admit I had my doubts about this book when I heard about it. I didn't think I would really enjoy a book about a baseball player. I am happy to report I was wrong. This book is about so much more than baseball and yet made me appreciate the game and those who love it too. Stealing Home transported me back to the early 1900's so effectively I felt a bit of culture shock at coming back to reality when I finished the book. The writing in this book makes reading it a delight and putting it down a disappointment. The characters are quite believable and likable. Duke Dennison, Ned Clovis, Ellie and Morris were as real to me as my own daughter for the time I was reading this engaging book and linger with me still. I see in my mind, the tilt of Ellie's head as she observes people coming off of the train and the frustration of Ned's brow when someone turns away while talking to him. Even now I can see Duke's cocky grin the first time he meets Ellie and Morris' smile as Duke deposits "a whole" five dollars in his hand.
I look forward to finding more books by this author; whose bio follows.
Allison Pittman spent seventeen years as a high school English teacher, and then shunned the advice of “experts,” quit her day job and set out to write novels that bring glory to God. She relishes inspiring other writers and leading the theater arts group at her church. She and her husband and three sons live in Universal City, Texas.
If you would like to own a copy of this book go here to purchase or you can leave a comment on this post for a chance to win a copy. Happy reading!

They Call Him Taishi

Bet you can't guess where I am right now? I am roughly 500 miles from home is a place called Suwanee,Georgia. Now you may be asking why am I so far from home? Well it is a very long story but I will begin to tell you here, but you must promise that you won't judge until you have read the whole story which may take a few posts. Just be patient, OK?

Sigh,it all started roughly 5 years ago. My daughter had started an online journal to keep up with her, then, best friend that she had met in 5th grade and and had to leave when we moved at the end of 6th grade.
I made sure she was careful about it; at the time we didn't have a home computer so she had to go to the library to update. When she was 19 she got an apartment of her own with her new best friend and had moved her journal over to a section for Christians. Not long after this guy from Georgia left a comment on one of her posts and they began to talk back and forth through email. He called himself Taishi, but his name is Joshua, and within a few weeks they exchanged phone numbers.
Things went on like this for a few months and then things began to change. They started to argue a lot; he was getting away from Christ and questioning his beliefs and starting to party and do drugs and stuff. Eventually she and him stopped talking at all because he said some really hurtful things to her and she was grieved by that and his unwillingness to give up his lifestyle.
I think it was over a year that they didn't talk then somehow the lines of communication were opened back up. I am not sure who initiated it but she had grown a lot in her faith and maturity and was now able to handle things better and he was learning that he didn't have all the answers as well. At this point we are probably over 3 years into the relationship.
Things went along kind of up and down for about a year of more, her trying to gently nudge him away from his lifestyle, arguments ensuing and apologies and so on.Then her got arrested. Not only was he caught with drugs, but with enough to get charged with posession with intent to distribute, a felony. Waiting for his court day was a nightmare for him and I believe this is what turned him back to Christ. He was really scared he would have to go to prison and very well could have. On his court date he pleaded no contest and got probation, I am not sure how long in total but he got over 6 months of extremely strict probation, he has to be in his house by 7pm!
More later. Remember, don't judge.

The Rest Of The Story...

OK so last post my daughter had been fired from NARS for stealing gasp a plastic fork!
She went back to more hours at BK and started working on her resume. About a week afterward she went back to the job she had before NARS and filled in for the office manger while she was on her honeymoon. It was a tough few days for her because she knew once she was done, it would be goodbye forever to this job that she really really liked; she calls it "the best job ever" She worked Thursday and Friday then M-W of the next week. The following Friday her old boss called from "the best job ever" and told her the office manager had decided to quit and offered her the job! Not only does she get her old job back, she gets a promotion!
God is SO GOOD! We never would have even dreamed this were a possibility! Yet He knew the desire of her heart and He gave it to her. Praise His Awesome Name, the Lord God of all!

Once again, I want to thank all of those who have been praying for us. Your prayers are the very best gift you could give us and are treasured beyond what you could ever imagine. Thank you!

Most of all, thank God, from Whom all blessings flow. Glory be His Name!

Pinpricks Of Light

My sweet daughter shared a song with me earlier this evening. I have listened to it three times now,and am beginning to feel the Light penetrating.

Thank you dear daughter, thank you to those who have commented, and prayed, and thank YOU God. Please let me feel Your love.">

38 Bits of Information About Me

OK here goes, someone sent this to me in an email and rather than forwarding a bunch of people you all get to suffer instead.
1. Do you like blue cheese? I don't know
2. Have you ever smoked? Yes
3. Do you own a gun? No
4. What flavor Kool-Aid was your favorite? I don't like Kool-Aid
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Sometimes
6. What do you think of hot dogs? They are awful unless they are grilled over an open flame.
7. Favorite Christmas movie? The Christmas Card
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee
9. Can you do push-ups ? Not now and not ever
10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Don't have one
11. Favorite hobby? Reading
12. Do you have A.D.D.? No
13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? I am judgmental
14. Middle name? Ann
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
a. I hope BSF isn't cancelled tomorrow
b. I haven't accomplished enough today
c. I hate being broke
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? coffee, water, tea
17. Current worry? That I am too selfish
18. Current hate right now? My attitude
19. Favorite place to be? Colorado
20.How did you bring in the New Year? Quietly at home
21. Where would you like to go? Heaven
22. Name three people who will complete this. not a clue
23. Do you own slippers? yes
24 What shirt are you wearing? Blue-green long sleeved mens shirt
25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets ? I don't know
26. Can you whistle? Yes but not real loud
27. Favorite color? blue, cystine blue
28. Would you be a pirate? no
29. What songs do you sing in the shower? Praise to God
30. Favorite Girl's Name? Verona
31. Favorite boy's name? Jonathan
32. What's in your pocket right now? Nothing, not even lint; how'd that happen?
33. Last thing that made you laugh? My cat
34. What's your favorite food? of foods I can eat, low GI brownies, of food I can't eat Cheesecake
5. Worst injury you've ever had? There have been so many!
36. Do you love where you live? pretty much
37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 3
38. Who is your loudest friend? Linda

OK so now it's your turn if you care to do it. copy and paste and put in your own answers and send them in a comment to me or send to me via email.

Not To Beat A Dead Horse

but reading Job has brought up some things I am still struggling to move past. A few months ago I wrote some things that were critical of a group of people. I admit it was not the wisest thing I have ever done. I did not think about how it could be taken by some. I deleted the posts soon after and then just went ahead and deleted the whole blog. What niggles at my brain is how a someone I considered my best friend reacted to it, and her actions surrounding it. I had posted a lot of good things proir to that, lots of poetry and the like and not once did she comment on any of it. No, encourgement, praise, critquie, nothing. Then all of sudden wham. I guess I am still reeling from it somewhat.
Now I am reading Job ( the only thing I can usually say it great about August,;my Daily Bible put me in Job about midway through and I feel almost like I have come home again). I get to around Chapter 4 where Job's friends begin to talk. Eliphaz says Job has sinned and that he is being chastened by God; and while I am reading Jobs response to this it hits me. This is how I felt at that time and still do. I read Job's words in, Chapter 6:14-21 that really express what I feel as well as these later on - " you undermine your friend" and, " but you are forgers of lies, you are worthless physicians. Oh that you would be silent, and it would be your wisdom" or " Miserable comforters are you"
You see what Job's friends were saying was not all wrong; most of it was dead on right theologically. But they lacked compassion for Job and judged his position with God by his circumstances. I feel this is what my friend did to me. Had she been keeping up with my blog she should have known that I was not, as she accused, depending on others to lift my burdens from me rather than looking to God. She would have realized were it not for God's strength things would have been more than I could bear and I would be either dead or in the hospital's psych ward. But instead she assumed since I was pointing out that I had been abandoned by this group of people, that I was in need of admonishment for assuming someone owed me something or that I was being ungrateful for prior help.
Sigh, I know I need to move past this, I know I need to forgive and that part of that is letting it go, in spite of the fact that one never apologized for the attack. I need Jesus to show me how far the east is from the west; and show me how to fling these feelings that far.
Like Job, God spoke to me about my attitude and showed me that I could have leaned on Him more and accepted things for what they were without lashing becasue He was and is in control; but unlkie Job, God didn't put my friend in her place for me. Is this what I expect, or want? I mean imagine how those friends of Job must have felt after God spoke to them like that, small enough to " crawl under the floor", I would think. I don't want anyone to experience that on my behalf; I am not worthy of that by a long shot. Job afterall was blameless and upright, so not me.
But I do wonder sometimes what became of Job's relationship with his friends after this. Did their friendship continue, did it change?
Sigh, oh well I guess I will lay my stick down now, poor horse has surely had enough.

Forward this or else

Folks, I don;t mind forwards, in fact I have thoroughly enjoyed most of the forwards I get. I do however mind the little addendum's some people place of them. Some examples would be

do you have the guts to forward this?

or,

if you really believe you will...

or this one if you don't this will happen, and I mustn't forget,

don't spoil the fun

or this one

don't break this please

.
I personally perceive these comments as threats and I don't like to be threatened. Forward your little hearts out people, just don't tell me I have to respond in kind! If I enjoy the forward, I will probably send it on but it should be up to me to decide without feeling like I am failing someone, a horrible Christian, an instrument of Satan, or a spoilsport. I won't even the discuss the

something bad will happen

threat.

OK, off the soapbox for now. What are your thoughts on the matter? Am I being too harsh?

Look Ma Both Hands!

Hallelujah! I can use both my hands to type now. It hurts a little but I can do it!! Praise the LORD!

I have been talking to someone through email who goes to my church whom I have never met but know through other people that she is into natural foods, herbs and the like so I contacted her when my MD put me on this new eating plan. She has been a wonderful source of information and I look forward to comparing notes with my MD about some of the things she has said. I am so grateful for her help; even though she has never laid eyes on me, she is doing research on my behalf, preparing remedies and answering endless questions. I just want to go on record as saying I really appreciate this person I will call Honey. Thank You God for Honey and all You are doing for me through her.

Explanations and Apologies

I took down my other blog in anger and frustration over a misunderstanding that I precipitated by posting criticisms of the Church on a public forum.
The perception is that I did this instead of trying to talk to someone about things first. I understand how this perception has validity to someone who is mostly sane and not chronically depressed.
From a "normal" perspective, it is no big deal to not have a phone call returned for a month and one would not automatically assume the worst in such a case. I, however, am none of the above. I would have to give my whole life story in order for you to really have clue where I am coming from. Suffice to say I do have chronic deep depression.
I became depressed early in childhood and was untreated until my mid 20's and not properly medicated until my thirties. My brain chemistry, unlike some people who have a bout with depression and get better, was irreversibly changed because of this and I will probably never, unless God chooses to deliver me completely from it, be free of it. I am a whole lot less depressed than I was years ago. However, I see through what my daughter calls the "twisted lens of depression". On top of that I am unable to work due to this severely impaired mental state combined with fibromyalgia (and most recently additionally restricted to home by severe neck,and back pain that the MD are still working on the cause of). It might not seem like a month with no phone call is not that long to people who have full lives, working and going to events, etc. But to someone basically house bound, it is a very long time. Most people would not assume under those circumstances that no none loved or cared for them, but would logically realize that past service and attention was proof someone cared, that people just get busy and think no more of it. But through that twisted lens, one feels abandoned, ignored, and without recourse.
I am deeply sorry for any and all hurt my posts about the Church caused.
I cannot tell you how many hours of prayer and tears have been spent over this horrible misunderstanding, and how much I deeply regret what I said, how I said it and where I chose to say it.
For these reasons I am using the same forum to issue this apology as well as personal apologies to individuals I know of that I hurt. If I miss you please let me know, I truly want to make amends.