And Forever You Shall Be Known As

I went to a doctor recently to have a plantar wart removed. This was not my first one; though the last one was over 10 years ago. The same doctor saw me today but not in his office because his office doesn't lower itself to take my "insurance". I digress; the doctor came in and since I hadn't seen him for years and had not record at this facility; he asked me if I have any health problems. I said yes and sighed heavily which prompted him to look at the information sent over by my doctor. Now I don't like to dwell on all my health issues but in order to make my point I must list them. I have osteoarthritis in both knees as well as my toes and ankles, spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia syndrome, major depression, COPD, sleep apnea, and diabetes. I also have an over active bladder and a history of ulcers. The doctor looks at the information my family doctor sent over and looked up and said " so mainly diabetes?" Yes I have been diagnosed as a diabetic. Do you know why I am? I am diagnosed as diabetic because one time; yes one time, my A1C was a whopping 6.3! I take no medication for it and subsequent tests have come in the 5 range. But because my AIC was over 6 one time I will forever be labeled diabetic. Now, you may wonder why this bothers me so much. It bothers me for the same reason I hated to list my depression medicine on my paperwork when seeing a new doctor before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Doctors looked at my weight, and the medication was on for depression and assumed my pain was a result of my depression. I abhor assumptions! I want a doctor to look beyond the surface and deal with my body as a whole; is that too much to ask? Just sayin' ya know? Grace and peace CAC

Public Mourns The Death Of Robin Williams

I am and many more are shocked to find out that Robin Williams; America's beloved actor and funny man; has apparently committed suicide. I am not a celebrity watcher, I feel that just because someone is famous doesn't give me the right to know every detail of his or her life. Therefore I had no idea Mr. Williams was suffering from depression. I also did not know that he had recently relapsed into drug use. I did know from hearing others talk that he had battled drug addiction. I do know that often the drug addiction and depression go hand in hand. His family is asking privacy at his horrific juncture in their lives, and I do hope they are allowed this humble and reasonable request. I know first hand what losing someone to suicide is like and I know how every one thinking they know details just makes it harder. My goal in writing about this is for one purpose and one purpose only; to shine a light on the need for education, treatment and de-stigmatization regarding depression. The time has come dear public, to shed the blinders we have on that mental illness is rare and won't touch our lives. We need to get serious about getting the word out that being mentally ill makes one week or odd. We need to get it our of our heads that depression is a sometimes feeling that goes away after a while. Though many people may only have one or a few problems with clinical depression there are also a lot of people for whom depression never really goes away. There are of course many posts on Facebook about Mr. Williams death and one just really got to me. A well meaning person said

Depression IS treatable. Medicine, counseling and faith can change things

. There is nothing inherently wrong with this but it just seems trite to me. Really, do you think Mr. Williams didn't seek help? Do you think his loving family didn't make every effort to make sure he went to counseling and doctors? Depression is so much more complicated than this quote indicates that it is. I watched for the third or fourth time a few days ago and movie called Ordinary People . The movie is a portrait of a family who are grieving the loss of the eldest of two sons in a boating accident. The portrait picks up at what appears to be a few months after the younger son has attempted suicide by slitting his wrists. If you have never seen this movie I highly recommend that you find it and watch it Mary Tyler Moore and Donald Sutherland are the parents and deliver a stellar performance along with Timothy Hutton playing the part of the younger son, Conrad. At one point in the movie a girl asks Conrad why he did it and he says;

It's like falling into a hole; a hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger. And you can't get out and all of the sudden it's inside you; you're the hole and your trapped and it's all over.

This is one the most accurate descriptions I have ever heard of what it feels like to be suicidal. My thoughts and prayers are with Mr. Williams family. The coming days, weeks and months will bring much pain. There will abundant sorrow, there will be guilt and there will be anger. I pray that somehow in the midst of all of these, the message of hope in Christ will get through and bring them comfort and peace. If you know someone who battles depression; don't tell them to suck it up. Don't tell them to pray and all will be well. Tell them to get help and be there for them, to listen and tell them the truth. Stay up all night with them if need be, stay up 2 nights in a row if need be. If you don't feel up to doing this or to help you out use this information and lift them to the Throne of Grace and pray to Almighty God that they will get help and choose life. Grace and peace CAC

Ten Days Of Gratitude Day 2

Today i am grateful for every day I have not had a migraine. I have a migraine about once month on average and they usually last a day or so. I know people who have migraines at least weekly and that often last many days. I am so grateful I am not one of those people! I just wish no one had to suffer with them.

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

As Promised...finally

I promised over a month ago to tell more about the Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church Women's Retreat.
I always look forward greatly to Beth Moore events; she is a very gifted teacher who has a style I can relate to well. But I have to admit when I saw the Scripture passage she was going to talk on I was a little let down. Proverbs 31- "yeesh my self esteem is already low Beth, I don't need you to tell me I'm failing to be a "Proverbs 31 woman'!"
But then she said she was only going to talk about one verse- 26..
If you recall the video I posted it was related to this quote " WE as women are teachers and we are published authors; twitter, blogs, etc. and we need to let the Holy Spirit be our editor. We need to...
Eat if before we tweet it
Flog is before we blog it and
Face it before we Facebook it."
She then went on to give us 8 tastes of kindness; explaining what kindness is and in some cases what it is not. By the time it was over I was crying like a baby with repentance, relief and refreshment. The most heart wrenching for me was when she said kindness is a Savior and read Ephesians 2:4-10 and asked "Have you lost the wonder? "Oh yes I said oh yes I have". and though I had it back for a few hours, I say again, Oh yes, Lord I have lost the wonder. I have gone from that huddled form crying in a pew and feeling so refreshed a determined back to a burdened soul from whom kindness is very far away.

Fibro Fog

I have been walking around in a fog of pain for the last couple of months. This pain has sapped my energy, creativity and will to move. Just getting out of bed is so hard, accomplishing anything once I do is even harder. When I think about writing, it just seems too much to try to string enough thoughts together that make some sort of sense.
On top of that my dear sweet daughter has moved out. She (wisely) decided she needed to have some time before she gets married to see what a marriage looks like. So she prayed and made some phone calls and found a couple from our local body of believers that is willing to take her in and let her live rent free until she gets married. I still see her every couple of days because she is using my car to get to work since their home is in a neighboring town.
I do need to update on much more and I am overdue on a few reviews as well; so I promise I will do so soon, but please don't be afraid to give a nudge, OK?
More later.

A Perfect Mess Blog Tour

God reminded me that I had A Perfect Mess by Lisa Harper right when I needed it. I was getting ready to read another book I am going to review when I looked at the date and realized there should be one before it. What it book it was! Once again God's timing is awesome and this book was just what I needed right now. .
A Perfect Mess's subtitle is Why You Don't Have to Worry About Being Good Enough for God and this is a big issue for me that I is always highlighted by my birthday. Many tears of gratitude grace the pages of my copy of this small yet powerful book.
Breaking down some of the chapter titles will give you a pretty good picture of the subject matter. Chapter One Walk This Way What Psalm I reveals about avoiding potholes in the path of life Chapter Two Leaping over Legalism What Psalm 62 says about wriggling out of the trap of wrong expectations Chapter Three Tumbling Toward Approval How Psalm 139 describes the way God sees the beauty behind our blemishes Chapter Four This Love Story Means Having To Say "I'm Sorry" What Psalm 51 reveals about deep cleaning our dirty cleaning our dirty hearts and much more, there are 12 chapters in all.
What I like most about this book was though the author has sense of humor and encourages us to look at things from a lighter side of things, she doesn't make light of God's Word. I love a book that has me getting my Bible along with it like this one does too. If you struggle at all with what you should be doing or know someone who is, this book needs to be on your list of must haves.
This is the summary the publisher sent:
Caught up in the self-imposed pressure to do and be all the things they think a Christian woman ought to do and be, countless women are working desperately to convince everyone, including God, that they have it all together. Few have any idea that the Creator of the universe looks at them with delight even when they yell at the dog, drive a minivan littered with French fries, or think bad words about that rude clerk at the store.
A Perfect Mess offers hope to every woman who yearns for a vibrant relationship with God but worries she isn’t good enough or doesn’t do enough to merit His affection. With characteristic authenticity, speaker and author Lisa Harper shares poignant stories from her own imperfect life to showcase the real-life relevancy of the Bible in the lives of modern women.
As she guides readers on a story-driven journey through selected Psalms, they will be inspired to experience for themselves how God’s incomparable love transforms the messiness of life into a gorgeous work of grace.
You can win a copy by commenting on this post or you can purchase one here here
Lisa Harper is a master storyteller whose lively approach connects the dots between the Bible era and modern life. She is a sought-after Bible teacher and speaker whose upcoming appearances include the national Women of Faith Conferences. A veteran of numerous radio and television programs and the author of several books, she also is a regular columnist for Today’s Christian Woman magazine. Lisa recently completed a master’s of theological studies from Covenant Theological Seminary. She makes her home outside Nashville.

Muddled And Jumbled

My heart and mind are a jumbled mass of emotions. I am awash in sadness that has me weighted down as surely as though I had boulders attached to my heart. Some of this sadness in explicable, some is not. Yet amidst all this, I am so filled with gratitude for the provision of my God through His people that I cannot put it in to words.
Denial aside finally, I have had to face the fact that I am depressed. Food has lost it's flavor, yet I crave it, sleep eludes me until I am exhausted then I cannot wake up. I cry about things I don't want to, yet can't cry about other things. I have the energy of a rock and about the same amount of empathy for others. The lies I have been telling myself are that "this is the real me". "That the other person people see is me pretending"; this is the lie I told my therapist last week. Thank God, he knows better and the words he spoke to me are beginning to penetrate my darkened heart. He reiterated the gospel to me, which at first made no sense. Surely he was not listening to me! I wasn't saying I had felt I had sin that couldn't be forgiven; I was saying I am worthless! I make no contribution to society, in fact I am a drain upon it. But he was having none of that. "Who decides worth?", he asked. "Is not the heart of the gospel that none of us are worthy?"
Since then this Truth has been working it's way into my heart; I cannot say it has gotten there yet, but it is getting there.
In the midst of all this, my daughter is in severe crisis and I am not able to be what she needs, crippled as I am at this time. I do not want to tell her business, as I have been guilty of before. I can only say her planned future is being met with tremendous obstacles and opposition.

It's My Birthday & I'll Cry If I Want To

I hate my birthday. I usually really do wish I were never born, and hate that on my birthday people actually want to celebrate my birth.
Ya I know it's not a good Christian attitude, but it is how I feel. Most days I can ignore how I feel about myself but this day smacks me right in the face with it.
Now I fear I sound ungrateful for all the well wishes and gifts, and that makes me feel even worse. I'm sorry. I do appreciate everything. I am just glad this day is almost over!

Night Watchman Blog Tour

The Night Watchman by Mark Mynheir is a great story. I thoroughly enjoyed this book! In fact I have not enjoyed a book as much as I enjoyed Night Watchman in quite some time. The author had me hooked on the first page and it just kept getting better from there on.
Quinn is the hero of the book, but I didn't like him at first. He is rude and mean and drowning himself in Jim Beam and self loathing. There were times I wanted to slap him for the way he treated people, but as the story progressed I couldn't help but begin to like him a little. After all, someone had loved him and died defending his life, so he must have something going for him.
From the gritty dialogue, to the apt descriptions and believable characters, Night Watchman sings with emotion. The tension and drama start on the first page and continue through to the last.
I have never read this author before, but will be looking for more from him and really hope he continues the exploits of Detective Quinn and the lovable Crevis into another book or two at least.
Kudos to Mark Mynheir for a fantastic escape into the story of Ray Quinn. Keep them coming!

Author Bio:
A detective with the Criminal Investigations Unit of the Palm Bay Police Department, Mark Mynheir investigates violent crimes and writes riveting Christian fiction. A U.S. Marine with a passion for martial arts and firearms training, Mark has worked on narcotics units, SWAT teams, and myriad high-risk situations. His four novels offer a realistic glimpse into the gritty world of law enforcement and the rarely seen raw emotions behind the badge. Mark lives in Florida with his wife and three children.

OK folks, if you want to read this book you can purchase it here or you can leave a comment on this post for a chance at winning a copy. Happy reading!

Happy Mother’s Day Blog Tour Book 3

Enduring Justiceby Amy Wallace When an FBI agent is pressed into action by a loved one’s childhood secret and a racial killer, he learns the difference between vengeance and justice is the choice to heal. (Publisher promo)

Enduring Justice us a compelling drama that I really wanted to like. The main themes running through the book have the potential to be powerfully emotional yet somehow, the author lets them fall flat.
I was pretty sure I knew Hannah's dark secret and I was right, but I was disappointed in the shallowness this powerful subject matter was dealt with.
The other main character, Micheal's conflicted emotions and bitterness were again rife with potential which was left, for the most part, unrealized.
Instead of seeing people deal with problems with prayer and God's Word; we see people whose issues and problems are all wrapped neatly in a trite happy ending.
Also, the dialogue in this book, especially the internal dialogue of the main characters, does not only not right true, but lends a choppy disjointedness to the tale.
I am not, like some, one to quibble over proper sentence structure and grammar to the point of banality. I don't demand excellent writing in order to enjoy a good story. But I do demand good writing , which in my opinion, this book sorely lacks. I was actually surprised to find this was not the authors first book.
It frustrates me that so many poorly written books get published when I know good writers who want to get published and can't.
As I said earlier, I really wanted to like this book. I hope you will like it more than I did, and if you would like to challenge my opinion, please leave a comment for a chance to read it yourself and let me know what you think.
You can also purchase it here .
Happy reading and get to commenting please!

So This Is Why I Stopped Eating "Regular" Food!

I went to a Home Party for a popular kitchen gadget company last night and I decided to live a little and just eat what was being prepared instead of eating at home and refraining as usual. The demonstration dishes were a fake lasagna dish made with tortillas, canned sauce, etc. and a dessert pizza; which used a sugar cookie dough crust, whipped topping with cream cheese, pineapples, bananas, and strawberry ice cream topping. I only had a little slice of the dessert and a small serving of the main dish. I didn't even eat all the dessert. I felt like I had just poured a bag of sugar down my throat afterwords and today? Today I feel awful! OK part of it is the chair I sat in, and part of it is the weather changing but still- I feel like a giant slug, moving through freshly poured cement! I don't think I will be tempted to "cheat" again anytime soon, if ever. I don't like feeling this way!

On a diffrent note, I found this messing around online earlier today.
If you insert Jesus Christ where she says inside it is pretty right on. The direction our nation has taken is certainly scary, and if we stay on this course our future looks pretty bleak. If you don't regularly pray for our nation and our youth, I hope you will consider changing that. I know I will.
Yet still I praise God, for He is Worthy and He is our Hope and Help.

Stop That Thief, She Stole A Priceless Plastic....

I am overdue for an update, as usual. I am trying to do better, really I am!

I mentioned in an earlier post that my daughter was fired from her job. I didn't go into details at the time as I was deeply depressed at the time. But the details beg to be shared.
Those of you who don't know my daughter may not believe there is not more to the story, but trust me there is not. I would think the same thing of someone I didn't know if I were told something like the following. My daughter worked for National Asset Recovery Services, she started in August on last year. NARS has Cafeterias in their workplace but they are not open all shifts. She was working the 2-11 pm shift one Saturday about 2 weeks ago,and brought a salad to work. The cafeteria wasn't open but since other times she had brought a salad and they had given her a fork, she simply hopped over the counter and grabbed a fork. Almost a week later she was called in from her desk and told she what she had done constituted breaking and entering and robbery and she was immediately fired.

She had NEVER been in trouble before, never been late for work, had just earned a free jeans for a week pass for doing well at her job the day before. Like I said, if I didn't' know her I would think, she had to have been messing up all along. It still amazes me, and everyone I tell thinks I am joking at first. I wish I were! Some have chastised her for not fighting it, but for what? Why would one want to work for someone who treats valuable employees like this?

Sigh, we were both stunned and discouraged for awhile. She went back to her old standby BK, whom she was still working for part time anyway, and started working on her resume. Stay tuned for the happy conclusion to this saga. Also coming soon, more blog tours and giveaways.

In the meantime, please pray for me and for her, that we will not hold bitterness in our hearts over this and allow the enemy a foothold in our lives.

Walls of Silence

It is said one's job as a parent is never done and I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. But one can't parent a child forever either and therein is the conundrum.
When one's child becomes an adult and one has not raised them as in the best of ways most of their lives; one is faced with a lot of drama.
I find myself, as a parent who made a ton of mistakes, with seeing my daughter suffer for those mistakes. Not just that, but since my failures(along with those of her father's) have instilled in her a deep lack of trust; she also will not talk to me about her struggles. She doesn't believe that there is nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her, and she doesn't believe I can help her. Her belief is founded in how she saw me most of her childhood. I have been profoundly depressed most of her life and when she needed me most, I was often too caught up in my own pain to notice, and now I fear the same thing is happening again. I have been going through an especially hard time with depression for over 4 months and I have just been struck with this odd feeling the last few days that something has happened, that I have once again missed some pivotal time event or struggle in her life. I see her hurting and I hurt for her, but we pass through our days in silence, pretending our respective walls of pain are merely small hills or bumps.
Trust is an issue for me as well, though I deal express it differently. I tend to give everyone trust just so I watch them break that trust proving to myself that I was right all along and no one can be trusted. My daughter on the other hand holds on to trust like it was precious jewels that she must guard with her life. She would rather die than relinquish it.
How can we learn to stop being the people our past has made us and learn to be the people God knows we can be?

Good News and Bad News

Or maybe that is bad news, good news, good news, bad news and bad news.
I haven't posted in a while cause my mind is kind of fogged with pain the last week. Last Sunday evening I fell, and when one is weighs what I weigh, and has Fibromyalgia falling is a big thing, no pun intended. The good news is I didn't break anything and I didn't hit my head. I really should have hit my head, but the coffee table was not where it was supposed to be, so I didn't; Thank You GOD! I went to the doctor a few days after, I held out until Wed cause I already had an appointment for followup from my brochettes and sinusitis. Save the eye rolling, I've already got it from several people, and my doc was not to pleased with me either. Doc sent me for x-rays but no call back so unless things don't get better, that will be that. I have bruises all over, most serious were my right knee and left shoulder and foot. I am a little better, but doc says it will be weeks before I am healed up.
So there that is, now for the other good news, I no longer have to do all the breathing junk on a daily basis, YEA!
I don't know how to segue into the other bad news from there so I won't even try. I am sad to report the economy had claimed another victim, one very near and dear to me has had job hours cut almost in half. This represents a serious problem since ends were barely meeting before. I am sad and frustrated beyond words.
The next bad news is I have only had one comment related to my giveaway. I sure hope things turn around soon on that score!
Sorry for the lack of eloquence here folks, stay tuned.

Overdue

I am late in getting to many things of late, not the least of which is replying to my daughter's last few posts.
They are so deeply moving I feel inadequate to comment in my simple convoluted writing style. To say I am amazed is redundant yet true, to say I am moved to tears to see the incredible growth I have seen take place in her over these last months would be a gross understatement of the facts. She stepped out of her comfort zone, which was more difficult than one could imagine; made herself vulnerable in a way she didn't think she was capable of doing and God has been, as always, faithful beyond comprehension. I cannot voice the emotions swirling around in my heart over this. To watch her take these brave steps was so hard, yet it was I who held her hand while she did, just as I did when she began to stand and wobble as baby. I did not want to see her fall, yet I called to her from the across the room when she stood on the cusp of taking her first steps and said " come to me, I know you can do it". To say I am proud of her seems off somehow but I cannot come up with another was of putting it. I don't take any credit for the way she is, in fact I feel she is who she is in spite of me, I also don't credit her completely; though she is amazingly mature and intelligent. I know she would not be the woman she is without Christ tempering her pride and calling her out of herself.
I have made so many mistakes in parenting my children, and I just thank God He has had mercy on them and me, that those mistakes have not cost them as dearly as they could have.
I hope this will serve a sufficient comment my dear one.
I am also late in posting here, both in general and specifically. I mentioned I would be posting about my diet progress soon and as yet have not. I will do so in my next post; no later than tomorrow, I promise.
Neglect seems to sum up my life of late.
I have not been going to church much at all the last couple of months. I have been having a lot of trouble with my back and sitting in church is agonizing, as is standing. I feel like I am disappointing my daughter every time I don't make it, and I am disappointed in myself as well. If I were to be totally honest with myself I would have to say that if I didn't feel neglected by certain people I would try harder to push through the pain and go anyway. Whew, that was hard!
OK, as I said my back hurts so I am going to have to get out of this computer chair and get more comfortable so I need to make this the end of this post.

Some things stay the same

I went back to my neurologist today and it was less than encouraging. I told him I was still experiencing quite a bit of pain and numbness in the left hand and arm and an odd tightness around my wrist. First of all he said the damage to the carpal tunnel was probably so severe before surgery that it just can't be fixed. Then of the tightness he said my obesity makes it likely that I would experience tightness because it causes more pulling of the tissues. Of course, my warped mind heard well it's no wonder you feel tightness the wonder is you don't feel on both sides since you're so fat!
Sigh, I know that is not what he said, I keep telling myself this over and over again.
He gave me a prescription for physical therapy saying it may help, and said to come back to him when I am done with it.
The good news here is I didn't come home and cry my eyes out and wallow in misery the rest of the day. Praise God; He has brought me at least that far!
I go to my family MD tomorrow so perhaps that will be more encouraging since he will be happy about my weight.

Oh yes, by the way, I forgot in my last post to thank someone for the nudge; thanks and sorry it took longer than I said it would!