Rainy Days And A Cloudy Heart

My dear sweet daughter came by today and moved my computer into her old room. I was OK when I packed her stuff up, I was pretty alright when a guy came and got her bed. But this; today I filled with such sadness! It's like this act, this moving other stuff back in here is the final proof that she really is leaving me. In less than 2 weeks I will be minus a daughter. I will give her away and she will no longer be mine, but ours; his wife and my daughter. Once I give her to be married to him, I will have lost her. For in marrying, she becomes someone new. This is as it should be, but that doesn't make it easy. Though I look forward to knowing and loving this new person, I grieve the old. I grieve the lost chances to be a better mother, to prepare her better for what she has faced and will face. I grieve for the many hours of wasted time arguing and fighting when I should have been lavishing love on her instead. O God help me let these feelings go and give them over to You.
O God, be what I have not to my daughter, shelter her in Your arms and protect her as she enters this new phase of her life. Fill her with the knowledge of who she is in You so that she will be all she needs to be for her husband. Give her wings to fly on her own, to make her home one of peace and rest where she and her husband can relax and enjoy one another so that they can go out refreshed and renewed in Your service. In Jesus name, AMEN

Fibro Fog

I have been walking around in a fog of pain for the last couple of months. This pain has sapped my energy, creativity and will to move. Just getting out of bed is so hard, accomplishing anything once I do is even harder. When I think about writing, it just seems too much to try to string enough thoughts together that make some sort of sense.
On top of that my dear sweet daughter has moved out. She (wisely) decided she needed to have some time before she gets married to see what a marriage looks like. So she prayed and made some phone calls and found a couple from our local body of believers that is willing to take her in and let her live rent free until she gets married. I still see her every couple of days because she is using my car to get to work since their home is in a neighboring town.
I do need to update on much more and I am overdue on a few reviews as well; so I promise I will do so soon, but please don't be afraid to give a nudge, OK?
More later.

What I Should Have Said

You never know when your words may come back to haunt you. Had I known when I wrote a note to my daughter it would end up published I may have waxed more eloquent or chosen my words more carefully. If only I could be so wise, as to edit myself before I begin whether writing or speaking! But alas I often find instead I must explain further or remove foot, and most often apologize.
The note came about because of some recent discussions we have had about her feeling that she is not good wife material because she lacks what she feels is the appropriate drive to keep the house clean etc. I have been mulling it over ever since and while she was taking a nap all these things I wanted to say to her were going through my mind. Rather than hoping I would be able to string them all together again at a time when we were actually able to sit and talk again, I got some paper and wrote.
I love my daughter more than I could ever adequately express with the limitations of words and emotions. To say she is a treasure beyond price is the best I can come up with right now. She is the very best of me and her father and so much more. My heart breaks for her daily, yet sings for joy as well for the privilege of being her mother.
Had I given myself more time to write the note I would have added so much more, I would have reminded her of the some of the stories we have heard women tell on themselves in a group we were in. The ladies who never allow anyone to turn of the ceiling fans because they don't ever clean them, or the ones who didn't know how to cook anything that didn't come in a box, one who leaves her vacuum cleaner out all of the time and tells people who come over she was just vacuuming to cover for the mess the house is in; all of them married, some of them ones many look up to. But as I often do, I fixate on the flaws instead of building up and I don't tell her how proud I am of her for the really hard and wise choices she has been making in her personal life lately, I don't tell her I know she is harder than before to eat better. I don't tell her that I it is only because I want the very best for her that I said anything at all and I think she is wonderful no matter what. I should have said above all else I love her and nothing could ever make me stop loving her, nothing could make me ashamed of her, and if she got married today her husband would be able to proclaim he has found a priceless jewel.