Can't Make Tracks

I want to run run run away with just the clothes on my back; I want to walk walk walk away and never look back, but I can't make tracks.
I want to scream scream scream that I'm not an idiot; but you won't hear me anyway because you only hear me talk.
If I had a wheelchair I would roll roll roll away; roll into the ocean and at the bottom stay; but I don't have a wheelchair and I can't make tracks.
I want to stand stand stand and do what I need to do but I can't stand and I can't make tracks.
I want to cry cry cry that you don't understand but you just call me crazy so I cry into my pillow once again.
I want to run, I want to walk, I want to stand, I want to cry cry cry but no one understands. My body turned against me and my mind has seen too much. I can only write, and pray and hope that one day I can run run run and make track after track after track.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

You'll Never Know How Much I Love You

Lying here on the bathroom
Floor wondering how
I would survive
If you loved me more

You say it's 'cause you love me
That you treat me this way
So for you to stop loving me
Every day I pray

I've pleaded so and
I've begged on my knees
For the beatings to end
But useless are my pleas

In my dreams a knight comes
To rescue me from disgrace
But when I awake
All I see is your face

I know only one way of escape
One way to leave this pit
Will it be by your hand
Or will I be the one to do it?

I know sooner or later
You'll go too far
Or my body will just get tired
From accumulating scars

My mind has reached a threshold
Of terror and of pain
Waiting and wondering
Is today that final day?

I have thought of leaving you
I do love you this is true
And I really meant the vows I made
Before I said " I do"

But I haven't stayed for love
I'm really just scared is all
That what you say is true
And without you I'm nothing at all

Time to get up now
Need to wash my face
Change my clothes, fix my hair
And clean up this filthy place

Must not leave the house a mess
All must be just so
So when you find my body
My love for you will show.

CAC May 10-28

This post is not necessarily personal, it is more of an empathetic look at the life of an abused spouse.