Can't Make Tracks

I want to run run run away with just the clothes on my back; I want to walk walk walk away and never look back, but I can't make tracks.
I want to scream scream scream that I'm not an idiot; but you won't hear me anyway because you only hear me talk.
If I had a wheelchair I would roll roll roll away; roll into the ocean and at the bottom stay; but I don't have a wheelchair and I can't make tracks.
I want to stand stand stand and do what I need to do but I can't stand and I can't make tracks.
I want to cry cry cry that you don't understand but you just call me crazy so I cry into my pillow once again.
I want to run, I want to walk, I want to stand, I want to cry cry cry but no one understands. My body turned against me and my mind has seen too much. I can only write, and pray and hope that one day I can run run run and make track after track after track.

Sigh, Some Say Inspiring, Some Say?

I found this "> on my daughters blog and for some reason it made me cry like a baby.

Perspective

First of all let me apologize for being silent so long. I have just not been feeling very inspired lately. However, that is no excuse, I have this blog to make myself write, so I need to just do it!
I ask a favor of those you who actually check this regularly (bless you!); would you please if you don't see a post for a couple of days running just send a comment saying, "bump" or similar? Maybe that will get me off my behind.

Now to the post title, I found this poem this morning, that I had written over 2 years ago. It made me realize, that in spite of how little progress I think I have made, I have come far enough that I don't feel every day as I did in this poem. In fact I don't feel like that even every week and sometimes not for months. Thank You Lord, for bringing me this far!

Winner Takes All

Darkness swirling
Swirling around,
Ever threatening
To pull me down

Memories hovering on
The edge of my brain,
Elusive shadows I
Cannot contain

Dreams filled with anger
Shouting and distress
Awake filled with dread
Anxious and depressed

Ever fighting
An endless tide
Of pain and frustration
Yet it's fight or die

Endlessly praying
My heart would mend
Wanting so much
The bitterness to end

Trying to focus
On what is good
Because I know
That I should

Desiring each moment
To be free of this pain
Needing so much
A foothold to gain

Climbing, climbing
Ever so slow
I cannot look up
At far I must go

Hanging on with
All of my might
That the winds of change
Won't make me take flight.

Knowing, knowing
That if I fall
The darkness wins
And winner takes all.
CAC 2006

So Far Untitled

I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
So so sweetly I forgot
'Twas you who made me cry

You said you loved me
I believed it was true
I didn't know then
It was actually abuse

You used me up
And threw me away
A discarded toy
That's had it's day

But I needed you
To be my friend
So when you came back
I let you in.

Yet soon it was clear
Your true intent
To satisfy your perversion
Was your intent

Months go by
Thinking I am fine
Then a smell or a face
Jets me back in time

Back to the chaos of
Fear, hate, and pain
Back to feeling the
Shame all over again

Will I ever be free
Of my childhood's hold?
Or be forever in the vise
Of events now so old?

God lifted me out
Of darkness and despair
And while others may revile me
I know He is always there.

I thank God, He resuced me
From depressions pit
May He continue to hold me
In His fierce grip

For without His hand
I so easily would slip
And fall even deeper
Into that old pit.

Yes I know my hope
Is in Christ alone
And to Him I will cling
Until He takes me Home.

And I'll wrestle with these demons
Till God does end thier reign
To return them to the fires of Hell
Where their suffering will never end.

You Should See the Bruises!

NEWS BLUES
Sitting and watching
the Morning News
Talking ’bout people’s pain
Is just part of what they do

Observation is a competive
Sport; points for screming
Even more points for
Tears of hurt

Sitting and watching
The News At Noon
Someone abused a child
More details coming soon


We all know good things must happen
But that’s not what we hear
They clammor for debacle
Murder threats and fear

Sitting and watching
News at five and sixY
et they tell me nothing new
Just rehash the same old bits

You know somthing had to happen
In the world out there
Do they think that their
Watchers just don’t care?

Sitting and watching
Local News at a 10
Can’t believe it takes half an hour
To tell it all again.

So why do they call it News
If what they say is always the same?
Do they think that people lives
Are just a ratings game? CAC April 12,2008