It's Just The Dark Before The Morning

I don't know if I have mentioned before that I do BSF ; but I do. This year we are doing Isaiah which has just been added to the studies BSF does. They also do Acts of The Apostles,Romans, John, Genesis, The Life of Moses and The Minor Prophets. But I digress a bit. I bring up BSF because I have not been keeping up with my study this year. I have not done well in that area for a couple of years now but never as bad as this time. I counted up and I have not completed half of the lessons for this year so far. I was not really surprised at the number but it was painful to face none the less. The reason I counted them up is I have made a determination to finish strong. That said; I finished my whole lesson this week which was on Isaiah 49. You can read the passage here . I did the whole lesson and was so blessed. What blessed me most was verses 7-13 and even more so when I read it in the Message .
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead!
Mountains, send up cheers!
God has comforted his people.
He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people
That's me! I am His people and He has comforted me, is comforting me.

Where Oh Where Has She Gone?

Yes I am still alive; though little has change since my last post. I am overall less discouraged than when last I wrote though. Physically I am still battling lung issues, and the Fibromyalgia is not under control (because a body needs oxygen) and my back and neck are giving me fits. Add Osteoarthritis to the mix and you have no fun for sure. My weight continues to rise as I have no energy to cook or exercise. Round and round we go :<.
I went to a training seminar with Stuart Scott on Biblical Counseling (see ) at the behest of my pastor and learned a lot about myself. I also learned why secular counseling has left me wanting so. What a Christian needs is discipleship counseling. I am excited about where this training will take me and our small group in the future.
I am though still struggling with depression, especially this last week since my MD changed my medicine. I am hoping the withdrawal symptoms will end in the next day or two and that my emotions will level out some.
More later.

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

As Promised...finally

I promised over a month ago to tell more about the Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church Women's Retreat.
I always look forward greatly to Beth Moore events; she is a very gifted teacher who has a style I can relate to well. But I have to admit when I saw the Scripture passage she was going to talk on I was a little let down. Proverbs 31- "yeesh my self esteem is already low Beth, I don't need you to tell me I'm failing to be a "Proverbs 31 woman'!"
But then she said she was only going to talk about one verse- 26..
If you recall the video I posted it was related to this quote " WE as women are teachers and we are published authors; twitter, blogs, etc. and we need to let the Holy Spirit be our editor. We need to...
Eat if before we tweet it
Flog is before we blog it and
Face it before we Facebook it."
She then went on to give us 8 tastes of kindness; explaining what kindness is and in some cases what it is not. By the time it was over I was crying like a baby with repentance, relief and refreshment. The most heart wrenching for me was when she said kindness is a Savior and read Ephesians 2:4-10 and asked "Have you lost the wonder? "Oh yes I said oh yes I have". and though I had it back for a few hours, I say again, Oh yes, Lord I have lost the wonder. I have gone from that huddled form crying in a pew and feeling so refreshed a determined back to a burdened soul from whom kindness is very far away.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.

" McNugget" Madness and other lessons from Beth Moore

One never knows what one will hear when she attends a Beth Moore event. Today was a Living Proof Simulcast with Beth Moore and I was blessed to be able to attend due to a friends kindness. Kindness it turns out was the theme for today's event. In discussing how we can lose our selves in life's disappointments and frustrations Beth referred to this . I must admit I had never heard about it before so was anxious to see it when I got home. The story is that a woman came through a McDonald's drive thru early in the morning recently and ordered Chicken McNuggets. Of course she was told they are not available until lunch hours start. She was not satisfied and tried several times to get someone to cook her some anyway. When she didn't get her way she became violent. Hearing about it I knew that my behavior of late really wouldn't be much better than that woman's if any. I have had some major hissy fits at my son that send my Dorkie running for cover and cause my German Shepard to hang her head and emlpoy her "what do I do?" face. What did I have these fits about? Nothing more justified than wanting McNuggets at 6am. Oh sure I can try to justify it, just as I am sure this woman did her behavior. After all couldn't they have just cooked some up for her? But I the fact is that she was making it all about her not caring about the rules, not caring about the fact that the woman trying to serve her didn't make the rules; ;only caring that she wasn't getting what she wanted. I have been living my life for me, caring only about me. Living as though miy pain is the pain that should matter, as though my needs are the ones that should be met. Acting as though my loneliness is the only loneliness that hurts this deep. Truth is I need more kindness shown to me in my life, but also the truth the only One Whom I can depend on to show me kindness is My Savior and He has already shown me more kindness than I can wrap my head around by coming as a man and dying on the cross and defeating death and sin so I can be with Him forever.
I will try to write more about the simulcast. It was a wonderful day. I wish I had seen more people there whom I know needed refreshment from God's Word.

Still Here For Now

I am, and have been for some months, profoundly depressed. I don't think I have ever really bounced back from the depression medication changes last year. I had to stop one I was on because it was damaging my liver. But I think I need the component that is in what I was on that damaged my liver is what I need to function better.
The last few months have been worse than ever and I really don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
I don't even have the gumption to reply to emails from my daughter for pity sake! I can't tell you how long it has been since I talked to her on the phone.
I have gained back half of the weight I lost because I don't have any desire to cook and I crave all the stuff I don't need to eat and give in because why shouldn't I? It's not like there's any point in not giving in
Oh ya, my poor son, I treat him like crap most of the time. I am so irritable I yell at him and call him names almost every time he tries to talk to me.
I try to pray but just can't. I want to cry but most of the time can't do that either. I just sit in my chair or lie in bed and the days just melt together into a blur.