In Which Molten Lava Flows From Her Mouth

I feel sometimes like I am a volcano. Trying so hard to leave so many things unsaid , so many thoughts not spoken, so many tears un-shed that I become unstable and suddenly erupt with little or no warning. Most people would never guess this of me. They wouldn't believe that I could anything but quiet and sweet. They don' realize that I am filled with smoldering lava. It stays there and it simmers; waiting for a that moment when all is quiet and seemingly calm; to boil and erupt; and burn every good thing that has grown, every step of progress made, and every hope ever dreamed.
Most people do not know that I am a monster.

But God knows, and somehow, He doesn't turn away, He doesn't turn His back and say "you are not worthy of my love, monster" Instead God embraces me and speaks in my ear softly of a love I cannot comprehend. He speaks of a love that sacrifices the very Son Of God, to save me. A love that doesn't exclude monsters, but instead tells me I am made in the very image of God and I am beautiful.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Me And My Shadow....

This is a portrait taken by a local studio during the Christmas season as a kind of "give back to the community " program. It is me and my son, Jonathan. We also got individual ones; though I have no idea what to do with them. I don't know why anyone I know would want a picture of me, except my daughter and maybe my mom; and my son doesn't have any friends. I went to get the portraits done because of a lost dream of a family portrait I wanted done ever since the kids were in high school. So now I have these pictures and I had this idea for a post to use with this one. You see,J is my son and I love him dearly; he is one of the greatest blessing in my life; but he is also one of my greatest challenges . He has P.D.N.O.S. (Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) find out more here if you care to. He was diagnosed when he was about 6 years old. Of course you ought to know I am mentally ill myself. Turns out the communication problems he has due his mental illness, and the communication problems I have due to my mental illness have us at odds a good part of the time.
I digress; what prompted this blog post was scanning the pictures and remembering that my daughter left a comment that demanded pictures soon after I told her I had some done. This in turn inspired the title because the main thing that makes my son such a challenge to me but also such a blessing is that he has an unusually strong attachment to me. I could go on and on about that but for his sake I won't. Suffice it to say, thus the title of this post.
I love you, son; please don't ever doubt that.

It's Just The Dark Before The Morning

I don't know if I have mentioned before that I do BSF ; but I do. This year we are doing Isaiah which has just been added to the studies BSF does. They also do Acts of The Apostles,Romans, John, Genesis, The Life of Moses and The Minor Prophets. But I digress a bit. I bring up BSF because I have not been keeping up with my study this year. I have not done well in that area for a couple of years now but never as bad as this time. I counted up and I have not completed half of the lessons for this year so far. I was not really surprised at the number but it was painful to face none the less. The reason I counted them up is I have made a determination to finish strong. That said; I finished my whole lesson this week which was on Isaiah 49. You can read the passage here . I did the whole lesson and was so blessed. What blessed me most was verses 7-13 and even more so when I read it in the Message .
Heavens, raise the roof! Earth, wake the dead!
Mountains, send up cheers!
God has comforted his people.
He has tenderly nursed his beaten-up, beaten-down people
That's me! I am His people and He has comforted me, is comforting me.

Where Oh Where Has She Gone?

Yes I am still alive; though little has change since my last post. I am overall less discouraged than when last I wrote though. Physically I am still battling lung issues, and the Fibromyalgia is not under control (because a body needs oxygen) and my back and neck are giving me fits. Add Osteoarthritis to the mix and you have no fun for sure. My weight continues to rise as I have no energy to cook or exercise. Round and round we go :<.
I went to a training seminar with Stuart Scott on Biblical Counseling (see ) at the behest of my pastor and learned a lot about myself. I also learned why secular counseling has left me wanting so. What a Christian needs is discipleship counseling. I am excited about where this training will take me and our small group in the future.
I am though still struggling with depression, especially this last week since my MD changed my medicine. I am hoping the withdrawal symptoms will end in the next day or two and that my emotions will level out some.
More later.

In Case I Don't Have The Courage To Mail It

Disclaimer, Please do not let the information herein cause you any feelings of guilt, please.

My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your card. It was nice to run into you the other day and you have been in my thoughts ever since. I do miss you and so many others from church. I have there some but for the most part I have missed the last 5 months. I am still going to Small group most of the time though. I am having a lot of struggles with energy as well as trouble with my back and legs so sitting in the pew is painful.
How can I begin to explain what is going on with me? First and foremost has been the physical problems. Equal to that has been the grief of losing my daughter. We were so close and she has been all I had for most of her life; and while I know I have not really lost her, I have lost the way we were. I have lost the place in her heart where I was second only to Jesus; though it is right it be this way, it hurts so very much. It has been hard to get over because I was in such a vulnerable place at the time she got married. You see, also at the time  was preparing to move away her brother moved in to help her out renting the house so she wouldn't have to sell and take a loss on it. Good for but not so good for me.  has psychotic disorder and his mental illness and mine make communication with one another very difficult. And since part of his mental illness is that he thinks he is fine and every one else is messed up, he thinks my communication problems are the whole of the problem. Additionally I was going through medication adjustments at this time too. I am still not sure they are adjusted right.
I am sure that my stress level is off the charts; and it is taking a large toll, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. To say I feel at the end of my rope is not adequate; I reached the end of my rope quite some time ago. I am hanging for dear life by a few strands of frayed rope. All my energy and strength are going into finding a way to hold on to this thread, so there is nothing left for living.
On top of all that since  had been helping out financially ever since she started working my finances are all messed up because I used to  helping out when things got tight and though she could help some now, I feel she must focus on her making a home for her and her husband first.  is not able to handle money so I have to juggle both our checks and somehow maintain my sanity when he asks me for money every day though he spent all his the first 2-3 days of the month.
You say you want help and spend time with me; I guess I am just not sure if you know what you are letting yourself in for. I am a mess dear friend, a useless ugly mess. I'm the kind of mess people cross the street to avoid. The one some point to and say " I hope that never happens to me".
I know you and so many others care, but it's hard to really feel it when no one ever calls or anything and I am here trapped in this misery and pain.

I feel like I am rambling, and I am doubting I will have the courage to actually send this letter to you.

As Promised...finally

I promised over a month ago to tell more about the Living Proof Live Simulcast at our church Women's Retreat.
I always look forward greatly to Beth Moore events; she is a very gifted teacher who has a style I can relate to well. But I have to admit when I saw the Scripture passage she was going to talk on I was a little let down. Proverbs 31- "yeesh my self esteem is already low Beth, I don't need you to tell me I'm failing to be a "Proverbs 31 woman'!"
But then she said she was only going to talk about one verse- 26..
If you recall the video I posted it was related to this quote " WE as women are teachers and we are published authors; twitter, blogs, etc. and we need to let the Holy Spirit be our editor. We need to...
Eat if before we tweet it
Flog is before we blog it and
Face it before we Facebook it."
She then went on to give us 8 tastes of kindness; explaining what kindness is and in some cases what it is not. By the time it was over I was crying like a baby with repentance, relief and refreshment. The most heart wrenching for me was when she said kindness is a Savior and read Ephesians 2:4-10 and asked "Have you lost the wonder? "Oh yes I said oh yes I have". and though I had it back for a few hours, I say again, Oh yes, Lord I have lost the wonder. I have gone from that huddled form crying in a pew and feeling so refreshed a determined back to a burdened soul from whom kindness is very far away.

You Asked For It...And Then Some

My dear sweet daughter has asked me to update; so here I go.
I know I have promised more to come on the Living Proof Live Simulcast we had as part of our church's woman's retreat and I still intend to. But it so happened I found my shared items in Google Reader something very close to my heart that I must share with you all. I suffer from Major Depression with an unusual twist of what my first doctor called Deep Depression and also recurring clinical depression. What all that means is that the length of time I lived with the traumas in my life that had caused me to be depressed and the length of time my depression was left untreated left my brain chemistry permanently altered. Medication keeps me alive but doesn't lift the depression like it is supposed to. I go thorough cycles also, usually related to stresses in my life such as death in the family, severe illness, etc.
Over the last year I have been going through one of those cycles. There have been some major stresses in my life, but there have also been some medication changes. Turns out the kind of medicine that helps the most also damages my liver. To say this a problem is like saying the Grand Canyon is a ditch.
So I read this post by someone I never heard of that was shared by my daughter and I cried all the way through it.

Here you go I hope http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/depression-is-selfishtouches you in some way, or helps educate you, or gives you the tools to educate someone else. Once you've read it would you pray for me, and for all those who suffer from this awful disease. Thank you and God Bless You.